Not as long as they waited for FEMA, but still, it's been a very long, long time (Mama Bear For Oligarchs)

"You folks excited about the Super Bowl coming up Sunday? And the New Orleans Saints' fans, I'm telling you, they have waited a long, long time for their team to get into the Super Bowl. Not as long as they waited for FEMA, but still, it's been a very long, long time." –David Letterman

"Women serving in the United States military will now be serving in combat. Finally there will be somebody in the tank who will stop and ask for directions." –David Letterman

"The good news is that Hosni Mubarak may step down. The bad news is that he may be replaced by his idiot son Hosni W. Mubarak." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

War Made Easy: Norman Solomon on How Mainstream Media Helped Pave Way for U.S. Invasion of Iraq

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

I called everyone a conspiracy theorist and clapped like a monkey (See what you can accomplish when you don't have Congress standing in your way?)

"Pope Francis is considering repealing celibacy for priests. Priests will no longer have to take a vow of celibacy. See what you can accomplish when you don't have Congress standing in your way?" –David Letterman

"According to a new study, the largest producer of oil is now the United States. So you know what that means – any day now we'll be invading ourselves." –David Letterman

"The experts are saying the State of the Union address was very ambitious. President Bush said he plans to introduce dozens of bold, new mispronunciations." --David Letterman 

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yeah, after hearing about it, Joe Biden got new glasses and a boob job (Putin Puppet)

"Yesterday, at a big campaign rally, Sarah Palin drew a crowd of 60,000 people. Yeah, after hearing about it, Joe Biden got new glasses and a boob job." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush delivered a Passover greeting to the Jewish people. Bush explained that Passover celebrates that great day when Jews were led out of Egypt by the Easter Bunny." --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of cheating, Senator John McCain has been accused of having an affair with a woman who was a lobbyist for a cable television company. During their affair, the cable lobbyist would show up at McCain's house sometime between 8:00 a.m. and 3:00 p.m." --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

but the Supreme Court overturned it (remembering Johnny, pt 2)

"Did you know Al Gore was voted our second most popular guest ever? Actually he finished first, but the Supreme Court overturned it." --Jay Leno

"A lot of people said Al Gore was the best vice president the country ever had. Not to take anything away from Al, but look at the competition. He replaced a guy who couldn't spell 'potato' and was followed by a guy who shot someone in the face." --Jay Leno

"Al Gore's movie about global warming broke into the 'Top Ten' this past week. President Bush was not impressed. He said the movie about me, Fahrenheit 9/11, did better than that." --Jay Leno

I guess he used up all his 9-9-9 lives

"The day before yesterday, Herman Cain suspended his campaign. That is a shame. He touched so many people.” –Stephen Colbert



"Herman Cain seemed to sense his supporters needed something to lift their spirits, which is what led to Herman Cain saying the greatest nine words ever spoken by an American politician: 'I believe these words came from the Pokemon movie…'" –Jon Stewart 
 


"Herman Cain announced Saturday he was suspending his campaign. He brought his wife with him, so apparently he couldn't get a date. I guess he used up all his 9-9-9 lives. The closest he got to the White House was spending the night at Ginger White's house." –Jay Leno 

That’s nice, she thanked her Son.

"On this date 19 years ago, Jay Leno took over 'The Tonight Show.' And it wouldn't be the last time." –David Letterman



"It's not an exaggeration to say that Oprah has touched millions of women around the world, but unlike Arnold Schwarzenegger, she didn't leave them pregnant." –Craig Ferguson



"Oprah said, 'Nobody but Jesus could have made this happen for me.' That’s nice; she thanked her Son." –Jimmy Kimmel

Couldn’t they come up with a better name?

"The actual name for this app is “Priest in your pocket.” Don’t they read the paper? Couldn’t they come up with a better name?" –Jay Leno



"On the 'Today' show, Michelle Obama called the Bush twins 'magnificent' and Chelsea Clinton a 'solid young woman.' In fact, the only president’s kid she didn’t compliment was George Bush Sr.’s." –Jimmy Fallon 

"A Republican Congressman, Rep. Chris Lee, was caught flirting with a woman trolling for dates on Craigslist and sent her a shirtless photo of himself. He lied about his age and his marital status. He said he was 39 and divorced. He's 46 and married, though being a Republican congressman, I'm guessing he's really 60 and gay." –Bill Maher