"The Vice President
is standing by his decision to shoot Harry Whittington. Now, according to the
best intelligence available, there were quail hidden in the brush. Everyone
believed at the time there were quail in the brush. And while the quail turned
out to be a 78- year-old man, even knowing that today, Mr. Cheney insists he
still would have shot Mr. Whittington in the face. He believes the world is a
better place for his spreading buckshot throughout the entire region of Mr.
Wittington's face." --Daily Show correspondent Rob Corddry
"According to a
Finnish medical study, if you have a bad or incompetent boss, it increases your
risk of a heart attack by 30%. More bad news for Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno
Ivanka Trump is getting an office at
the White House and she’s getting top-level security clearance. She will take a
position in the White House where she’ll draw upon her 20 years of foreign and
domestic policy experience that she gained selling sandals to Nordstrom. –Jimmy
Kimmel
Her role is that she will serve as her
father’s “eyes and ears” at the White House. He doesn’t need that. He needs
somebody to be his thumbs so he can stop tweeting. –Jimmy Kimmel
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