She's the before-picture in a tranquilizer ad

"The lights are a little dimmer in Crazytown tonight. In the struggle between reality and Michele Bachmann, reality has won. Flags are being flown at half mast at the Laugh Factory. Michele Bachmann is out. Still no word on her husband Marcus." –Bill Maher



"Michele Bachmann said it was a very tough decision, but after a lengthy discussion with her husband, her staff her constituents, and with the little ballerina that twirls around on the top of her jewelry box, she wanted to spend more time as Carrie's mom. And also, she has a new job lined up. She's the before-picture in a tranquilizer ad." –Bill Maher 

As rock solid as Taylor Lautner's yummy abs...

"Gov. Chris Christie keeps saying he's not running for president. On the other hand, he would consider running for Santa." –David Letterman



"Marcus Bachmann wrote an open letter to conservatives describing his wife Michele as 'rock solid.' It probably didn't help that he then added, 'As rock solid as Taylor Lautner's yummy abs.'" –Conan O'Brien



"Arnold Schwarzenegger ordered three statues of himself. Which seemed weird, because I thought he had a much more fun way to make duplicates of himself." –Conan O'Brien



"President Obama was heckled by a protestor who called him 'the Antichrist.' The protestor was detained, but released without being charged, and then later he was offered his own show on Fox News." –Jay Leno

John Hulse painting

He's so gay Richard Simmons tells him to tone it down

"He’s so gay he calls 'Top Gun' 'that volleyball movie.'" –Jon Stewart, struggling to repress the urge to crack gay jokes about Michele Bachmann's husband,  Marcus Bachmann



"Of course I’d like to say Dr. Marcus Bachmann buys Brawny paper towels for the packaging, or he's so gay Richard Simmons tells him to tone it down.'" –Jerry Seinfeld, playing Jon Stewart's Comedy Repression Therapist during a cameo on The Daily Show



John Hulse painting