Try doing that twice a day, every day (no one turn on the washing machine!)

“I wonder about that single Illinois ticket that won the $1.34 Billion Mega Millions jackpot over the weekend. The winner hasn’t come forward yet, so either they’re contacting financial experts, or they’re at home being like, ‘crap, where is it, I went swimming, no one turn on the washing machine!’” —Jimmy Fallon

A producer for the VMA’s says that apparently Rihanna is going to deliver a “holy crap moment.” Donald Trump was like, “Who cares? Try doing that twice a day, every day.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

President Jeb Bush (NOPE)

And finally some French news, or as they call it in France, News. The first restaurant in Paris created exclusively for naked diners has announced it’s closing due to a lack of customers. It’s a shame. Is this a shock to anyone? Scalding hot soup and no pants do not mix. They obviously had some problems. It’s the first time in history that a health inspector has ever issued a rating of “NOPE.” --James Corden

The truth is that the odds of you winning are 290 million to 1. That means you are about as likely to win the Powerball as you are to ever hear the words “President Jeb Bush.” –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

well, at least my Covid got a second term ($ellout/Business Class)

“President Biden has a rebound case of Covid. Right now, Biden’s looking on the bright side. He’s like ‘well, at least my Covid got a second term.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“I wonder about that single Illinois ticket that won the $1.34 Billion Mega Millions jackpot over the weekend. The winner hasn’t come forward yet, so either they’re contacting financial experts, or they’re at home being like, ‘crap, where is it, I went swimming, no one turn on the washing machine!’” —Jimmy Fallon

A skydiver in California just became the first person to jump out of a plane from 25,000 feet without a parachute and land in a net. Or as Southwest Airlines calls that, “Business Class.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Apparently the difference is California's version has avocado on it (He now faces up to 5, 12, 14, 20, or 25 years in prison)

"A federal judge ruled yesterday that California's version of the death penalty is unconstitutional. Apparently the difference is California's version has avocado on it." –Seth Meyers

A former Iowa lottery official was found guilty yesterday of rigging a computerized "Hot Lotto" game so he could win a $14 million jackpot. He now faces up to 5, 12, 14, 20, or 25 years in prison. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s oakey with notes of...blasted pizza (290 million to 1)

The truth is that the odds of you winning the lottery are 290 million to 1. That means you are about as likely to win the Powerball as you are to ever hear the words “President Jeb Bush.” –James Corden

A woman was recently banned from a Texas Wal-Mart after driving an electric shopping cart around the parking lot for several hours while drinking wine from a Pringles can. Also, I should add, it was 9 o’clock in the morning. If you ever want to know what my goals for retirement are, that’s pretty much it. I will say, if you have a better idea of how to get those crumbs out of the bottom of the can, I’d like to hear it. It makes sense. I can’t believe I’ve never thought of drinking wine out of a pringles can before. “Oh, this Pinot Grigio is robust. It’s oakey with notes of...blasted pizza.” --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

either a large chunk of Indiana voters are not planning to vote for Trump, or Mike Pence voted 128,000 times (you don’t believe in luck any more)

While Stormy Daniels testified in New York, Indiana held their Republican presidential primary. Trump easily won, as the only candidate still in the race, but Nikki Haley, who dropped out two months ago, still received more than 21% of the vote. Which means either a large chunk of Indiana voters are not planning to vote for Trump, or Mike Pence voted 128,000 times. —Jimmy Kimmel

Trump, meanwhile, used his one day off per week from the trial to focus on his pyramid scheme, by hosting a dinner at Mar-a-Lago for the fans who bought his NFTs. Attendees had to buy all 47 of Trump’s NFTs for $99 each. I would hate to be his assistant this morning – ‘Sir, a reminder, tonight you have to eat with the freaks who paid $4,700 to have pictures of you wearing Superman tights and a cape, OK?’ Melania, too, is doing her Be Best to cash in, with her own line of signature Mother’s Day jewelry. A necklace engraved with “love & gratitude” and her signature was available for $245, shaped like a three-leaf clover, because when you are Donald Trump’s wife, you don’t believe in luck any more. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's a great way to spend quality time with strangers outside gas stations (90 more years of Justin Bieber)

The jackpot is up, an enormous sum. Playing the Powerball is a

great way to spend quality time with strangers outside gas

stations. –Jimmy Kimmel

According to a new government report, more Americans are living to be 100 years old and older than ever. Which is scary because it means we could have 90 more years of Justin Bieber. –Jimmy Kimmel

"A new Gallup poll shows that only 1 in 10 Americans approve of the job Congress is doing. A 10 percent approval rating is about the same approval rating that rabies has." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

There are no capitalists in heaven (Remember, there is no 'I' in Iowa!)

"Some big election news. It's rumored that Sarah Palin will

announce her presidential campaign at a Labor Day rally in

Iowa. Palin has a great speech planned — she's like, 'We

have to do this as a team! Remember, there is no 'I' in

Iowa!'" –Jimmy Fallon

“I wonder about that single Illinois ticket that won the $1.34 Billion Mega Millions jackpot over the weekend. The winner hasn’t come forward yet, so either they’re contacting financial experts, or they’re at home being like, ‘crap, where is it, I went swimming, no one turn on the washing machine!’” —Jimmy Fallon

People are still talking about Anthony Scaramucci — he lasted just six days, making him the shortest-serving White House communications director ever. But don’t feel bad — publishers have offered him a lot of money to write a tell-all pamphlet about the experience. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Oh my gosh. I'm Obama's dad? ('Bout to split this sea)

"Donald Trump said that he's not a fan of George W. Bush because he 'gave us Obama.' When he heard this, Bush was like, 'Oh my gosh. I'm Obama's dad?'" –Jimmy Fallon

“President Biden has a rebound case of Covid. Right now, Biden’s looking on the bright side. He’s like ‘well, at least my Covid got a second term.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“And after a trip to Canada using a wheelchair and walker, Pope Francis said that he will need to either slow down or retire. So I guess we know who won the Mega Millions. Congratulations, your holiness.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

He now faces up to 5, 12, 14, 20, or 25 years in prison (bombing people from long range)

And finally, soccer's governing body, FIFA, announced yesterday that it has added a new rule prohibiting goalkeepers from throwing the ball into the other team's net. "Eh, you get used to it," said the Knicks. --Seth Meyers

A former Iowa lottery official was found guilty yesterday of rigging a computerized "Hot Lotto" game so he could win a $14 million jackpot. He now faces up to 5, 12, 14, 20, or 25 years in prison. –Seth Meyers

A city in Uruguay this weekend held a cannabis cup, where a panel of experts judged marijuana on aroma, flavor, effects, and strength. The experts were like, "We did?" –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Ignorance is bliss/300 million-to-1/"good" billionaires

February 2023

“I read that The White House is giving federal agencies 30 days to remove TikTok from all government devices. Every government employee was like, ‘I guess I have no choice’ and gave their boss 30 days' notice. This is devastating. I mean, what is TikTok without Senator Chuck Grassley?” —Jimmy Fallon

“I saw that Wendy's is going to start selling their chili in a can at grocery stores. It's perfect if you've always thought the chili at Wendy’s was too fresh. Under ingredients, it just says, ‘Ignorance is bliss.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“You know, it doesn't matter if we agree on how the pandemic started. The important thing is, we all agree to pretend it's over.” —Jimmy Fallon

“A man in California filed a lawsuit claiming that he won the $2 billion Powerball lottery, but the ticket was stolen from him. Then a million Americans were like, ‘Yeah, already tried it, pal. I mean, come on.’ And he was like, ‘Yeah, I also lost a bag of diamonds, too.’ Experts say his odds of winning the lawsuit are 300 million-to-1.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Oh, you have a headache? I gave birth to a water cooler, Richard! (What channel is CDC?)

A woman in Texas broke a hospital record recently after delivering a nearly 15-pound baby. So good luck to her husband on ever complaining about anything again. "Oh, you have a headache? I gave birth to a water cooler, Richard!" --Seth Meyers

According to a new study by the CDC, women are more likely than men to experiment with same-sex partners. Said men, “What channel is CDC?” –Seth Meyers

A Fort Worth man fell into a large construction hole while walking to purchase lottery tickets. When asked what he would buy if he won, he said, “A ladder.” –Seth Meyers

In the lead-up to tonight’s State of the Union address, House Speaker Paul Ryan accused President Obama of plotting to set verbal traps for Republicans. Responded Obama, "Losersayswhat?" –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He was in charge of a state where some maniac was hiding stolen nuclear secrets? (Don't you dare tell me how to freedom)

November 2022

A 25 year old from Florida will become the first Gen-Z member of congress. Younger, said Matt Gaetz. —Colin Jost

Rupert Murdoch this week officially turned on Donald Trump. First, the New York Post ran a cover calling Ron DeSantis, Ron DeFuture, even though Ron DeFuture sounds more like a drag queen from outer space. Then on Thursday, the New York Post showed Donald Trump as an egg sitting on a wall with the headline, Trumpty Dumpty, which had to be the easiest Photoshop job in history. And now Trump is threatening to reveal unflattering information about DeSantis. For example, did you know Ron DeSantis is in charge of a state where some maniac was hiding stolen nuclear secrets? —Colin Jost

A woman in Delaware won $400,000 after hitting back to back Lottos in the same day. But the woman is still going to keep her day job. Forging lottery tickets. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He’s like ‘well, at least my Covid got a second term.’ (No one turn on the washing machine!)

August 2022

“President Biden has a rebound case of Covid. Right now, Biden’s looking on the bright side. He’s like ‘well, at least my Covid got a second term.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Usually when a 79-year-old is on the rebound, you’re meeting your new aunt named Barbara. The virus came back so fast the staffers didn’t even have time to take down the Get Well Soon balloons.” —Jimmy Fallon

“I wonder about that single Illinois ticket that won the $1.34 Billion Mega Millions jackpot over the weekend. The winner hasn’t come forward yet, so either they’re contacting financial experts, or they’re at home being like, ‘crap, where is it, I went swimming, no one turn on the washing machine!’” —Jimmy Fallon

“And after a trip to Canada using a wheelchair and walker, Pope Francis said that he will need to either slow down or retire. So I guess we know who won the Mega Millions. Congratulations, your holiness.” —Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Think of what you could buy with all that money – a mansion, a yacht, a tank of gas (grandpa’s launch codes)

July 2022

“The astronomically high Mega Millions lottery prize – $1.02 Billion, is the fourth largest lottery prize in US history. Think of what you could buy with all that money – a mansion, a yacht, a tank of gas.” —Stephen Colbert

“In other news, Biden returned to the Oval Office after overcoming Covid and spending the weekend overcoming cabin fever. According to reports, aides stocked the president with at-home entertainment – video equipment, phone calls from his grandkids and a stack of books about Ireland. When that didn’t work, they tried everything else he likes – a pile of old train schedules, the encyclopedia of taffy, a Reader’s Digest from 1952, a Post-It note that just said ‘Delaware’.” —Stephen Colbert

“Now that the president’s over Covid, he can happily skip to work with a spring in his step and get absolutely nut-punched by his approval ratings, as the latest CNN poll found that 75% of Democratic voters want someone other than Biden in 2024, compared to about 51% in January. Ah, the good old days, when only half of his buddies wanted to take away grandpa’s launch codes.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Whatever you do, do not go see Dr. Acula (they were off by two zeros)

I saw a billboard it said estimated at lotto jackpot 55 million. See I didn't know that it was estimated. That would suck if you won and they said that they were off by two zeros. --Mitch Hedberg

I saw a commercial on late-night TV said forget everything you know about slipcovers. So I did, and it was a load off my mind. --Mitch Hedberg 

I went to the doctor all he did was suck the blood from my neck. Whatever you do, do not go see Dr. Acula. --Mitch Hedberg

They have a fishing show on TV. They catch the fish but they let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, but they do want to make it late for something. --Mitch Hedberg

I was getting my teeth whitened but then I said forget that, I’ll just get a tan instead. --Mitch Hedberg

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

We thought it was not real!! (get help)

I read that New York City could host the World Cup in 2026. That’s right, thousands of people trying not to use their hands — or as that's called in New York, "riding the subway." –Jimmy Fallon

The Connecticut lottery's mobile app malfunctioned this weekend and told some lottery winners they had lost. When instead, they should have been told, “You have a lottery app on your phone — get help.” –Jimmy Fallon

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans