Try doing that twice a day, every day (no one turn on the washing machine!)

“I wonder about that single Illinois ticket that won the $1.34 Billion Mega Millions jackpot over the weekend. The winner hasn’t come forward yet, so either they’re contacting financial experts, or they’re at home being like, ‘crap, where is it, I went swimming, no one turn on the washing machine!’” —Jimmy Fallon

A producer for the VMA’s says that apparently Rihanna is going to deliver a “holy crap moment.” Donald Trump was like, “Who cares? Try doing that twice a day, every day.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yes, selfies CAN get worse (I also felt a kick)

"The FDA has approved a new camera that can be swallowed so that doctors can look at the inside of their patients' bodies. So to answer your question: Yes, selfies CAN get worse." –Jimmy Fallon

“Rihanna did a Super Bowl halftime show while pregnant. Meanwhile, everyone at home on their 30th chicken wing was like, ‘I also felt a kick.’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Who cares? Try doing that twice a day, every day (Ever see Lady and the Tramp?)

"Herman Cain said that we should focus on our neighbor to the south, Mexico, and our neighbor to the north, Cold Mexico." –Jimmy Fallon

A producer for the VMA’s says that apparently Rihanna is going to deliver a “holy crap moment.” Donald Trump was like, “Who cares? Try doing that twice a day, every day.” –Jimmy Fallon

Trump and Mitt Romney were spotted having dinner here in New York last night, and everyone’s talking about Romney’s expression. It got even worse when the spaghetti came and Trump said, “Ever see Lady and the Tramp?” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They said, ‘This is way funnier.’ (or as they call it in the airline world, a ‘Cockpit Block.’)

February 2023

“The NFL used a new type of grass that took two years to prepare, and it was so slippery that the players were falling down on it the entire game. Yeah, always smart to try something new on the biggest game of the year, I think. But the NFL actually released a statement defending the grass. They said, ‘This is way funnier.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Rihanna did a Super Bowl halftime show while pregnant. Meanwhile, everyone at home on their 30th chicken wing was like, ‘I also felt a kick.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Imagine it's the first day of kindergarten and your fun fact is that you've done the Super Bowl halftime show.” —Jimmy Fallon

“President Biden's gonna stop the merger between JetBlue and Spirit airlines. That's right, Biden's gonna stop the merger, or as they call it in the airline world, a ‘Cockpit Block.’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Protecting this in-between area, this no man’s land. It’s a very sensitive zone. (8mm dilated)

February 2023

“Those balloons, I appreciate how we’re not ruling anything out, but we’re shooting everything down. Is it a kite? Is it aliens? Is it the old man from Up? Who cares! We’ll figure it out when we sift through the wreckage. The three UFOs were detected once the government adjusted the radar settings to be more sensitive, and once they did that, they realized there’s all kinds of shit flying up, all the time, everywhere. It’s like when you start paying attention to what ingredients are in your food and realize like everything has guar gum in it. What’s guar gum? Where was the Space Force? Isn’t dealing with UFOs their thing? They’re in this like weird in-between zone between the sky and space. It’s like the Earth’s taint. Really, what we need is a taint zone to protect this in-between area, this no man’s land. It’s a very sensitive zone.” —Sarah Silverman

“The Super Bowl festivities, included the confirmation that Rihanna is pregnant with her second child minutes after her half-time show. If you’re one of those 19 million people who called in sick to work today – Rihanna last night had a nine-month-old in her dressing room, she was 8mm dilated, and she still managed to get out there and do her job.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It is so empty, it’s actually being reclaimed by nature (a great thing for democracy and for people who love waiting in lines)

November 2022

“All year long we’ve been waiting to find out if Republicans will take control of Congress and stop President Biden’s agenda, or if Democrats will keep control of Congress and somehow stop Biden’s agenda. And it’s all led up to today, election day: a great thing for democracy and for people who love waiting in lines.” —Trevor Noah

Political commentators and politicians tell us that this may be the most important election of our lifetime. And I know they said that about 2020. I also know that they said that about the 2018 midterms, and they definitely said that about 2016. Which I know makes some people say, ‘Well, clearly none of these elections are as important as people say.’ But maybe we’re thinking of it wrong. Maybe everything is getting worse and worse, which makes every election more and more important. Think about it like this for a minute. When you’re in your driveway, it helps to have good brakes on your car. But then when you get on the road, the brakes become more important. Then you’re on the freeway going a hundred miles per hour, the brakes are even more important. Then, a school bus gets stuck in front of you and then you realize that the school bus is full of puppies and the puppies are holding the only copy of Rihanna’s new album! Now the brakes are the most important brakes of our lifetime!” —Trevor Noah

“A JC Penny store in Pennsylvania had to be closed temporarily after a deer entered the store and got into a dressing room. The story again, a JC Penny is so empty, it’s actually being reclaimed by nature.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Oh wow, we’re finally getting a restroom? (Make jobs, Not war)

October 2022

“We are celebrating the first new Rihanna music in six long years. The singer and fashion mogul will release a new single, Lift Me Up, for the upcoming film Black Panther: Wakanda Forever. You understand how big this is? Rihanna plus Black Panther, what?! I haven’t experienced this much Black joy since that time Obama featured on that Cardi B track. It was just like, ‘Wap, wap, wap, I’ll tell you what makes my pussy wet: voting! Everybody vote!’” —Trevor Noah

“We are also looking at the beginning of Elon Musk’s tenure as owner of Twitter. To celebrate the occasion, Musk tweeted a video of him walking into Twitter HQ holding a sink with the caption ‘let this sink in’. What I want to know is where did he get that sink? Is it just the one he ripped out of the wall when the judge told him he had to buy Twitter? If anything, Elon is the right billionaire to make this joke. Because if Jeff Bezos walked into Amazon with a sink, his employees would be like ‘oh wow, we’re finally getting a restroom?’” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you want something as fashionable as Yeezys, you’ll have to microwave a Croc. (Now everyone partake of his body-ody-ody)

October 2022

“We are two weeks away the midterm elections, and the Democrats are pushing hard on the youth vote. There is an ad in which Barack Obama tried to relate to young voters: ‘I’ve heard a lot recently about how voting doesn’t solve everything, and I can see why you might think that. It won’t make Outer Banks or Euphoria season 3 or Rihanna’s new album drop any faster.’ I love that man, but that has real youth pastor sitting in the chair backwards energy. Come on, guys, come on. Listen, listen you guys, I’m gonna yeet some truths your way. No cap. You know Archie from Riverdale wasn’t the only one to come back to life. Let me tell you about an influencer who got a lot of likes even though he only had 12 followers. Now everyone partake of his body-ody-ody.” —Stephen Colbert

“Adidas decided to terminate its lucrative deal with Kanye West after the rapper’s numerous antisemitic comments. So, no more shoe. If you want something as fashionable as Yeezys, you’ll have to microwave a Croc.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s kind of like Beyoncé and Rihanna (Straight A’s Academy!)

In an interview last night with MSNBC, Donald Trump’s running mate Mike Pence accidentally referred to Trump as his opponent. Which is ridiculous — everyone knows Trump is his own opponent. –Seth Meyers

Trump supporter Newt Gingrich last night accused Fox News’ Megyn Kelly of being “fascinated with sex” by continuing to report on women accusing Donald Trump of inappropriate behavior. Newt, there’s a difference between being “fascinated by sex” and being “horrified by sexual assault.” It’s kind of like Beyoncé and Rihanna — everyone knows the difference except old white men. –Seth Meyers

Microsoft announced a free update to Windows today that allows users to take photos and edit them in 3D. Critics are calling it “the most exciting thing you’ll ever explain to your grandma.” –Seth Meyers

A school in California is testing a new program that forgoes traditional teachers and has students teach and grade each other’s classwork. So good luck to the students at “Straight A’s Academy!” –Seth Meyers

Rihanna's Holy Crap Moment (Barbara! Google me!)

A producer for the VMA’s says that apparently Rihanna is going to deliver a “holy crap moment.” Donald Trump was like, “Who cares? Try doing that twice a day, every day.” –Jimmy Fallon

The Washington Post published an entire biography of Donald Trump that’s 431 pages long. Trump said it’s a little longer than the books he likes to read, by about 431 pages. –Jimmy Fallon 

The Trump biography also reveals that he doesn’t have a computer at his desk in Trump Tower. Instead, every five minutes he just shouts at his secretary, “Barbara! Google me!” –Jimmy Fallon