It’s a scientific phenomenon known as Aaron Rodgers (Incoming booster selfies in three, two, one...)

November 2021

“In a recent interview, the C.E.O. of Moderna said scientists he’s spoken to about the new Covid variant, Omicron, agree ‘it’s not going to be good.’ It’s kind of like when the trailer for the movie ‘Cats’ came out — the only thing we knew was ‘Well, it’s not going to be good.’ But we didn’t know the extent of how not good it would be.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Following the news on the Omicron variant, the C.D.C. is now saying that all adults should get a booster shot. Right now, Instagram is like, ‘Incoming booster selfies in three, two, one.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“But no one knows for sure, so both Pfizer and Moderna are testing how well their vaccines protect against Omicron. Unfortunately, they won’t know the results for two weeks, at the earliest. Evidently, the scientists are stuck in a container off the coast of China.” —Stephen Colbert

“And now for the bad news: Omicron does appear to be evading vaccines. It’s a scientific phenomenon known as Aaron Rodgers.” —Stephen Colbert

“And I wish they would hurry up, because I need to know what I’m doing in two weeks from now, you know? Should I be buying my ‘Spider-Man’ tickets or learning how to hunt and cook wild animals? Or should I split the difference and buy ‘Spider-Man’ tickets for the wild animals?” —Trevor Noah

“And also if we do need a new vaccine for this new variant, it’s not a big deal, all right, people? I see people online being like, ‘We’re gonna get a new shot every year?’ Yeah, you know what? Maybe to not die you need to take 15 minutes out of your year. What, is your life so busy that you don’t have time for that? I guarantee you, at some point in the next year, you will walk by a CVS. Unless you live in the desert — then it’s gonna be like a five-minute walk to a CVS.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

20 years later he still has your room (third-place vaccine)

November 2021

“It is looking more and more likely that Covid may stay with us forever, like that uncle who said he was ‘just passing through town’ and then 20 years later still has your room.” —Trevor Noah

“Luckily, America has more than enough vaccines for every man, woman and child – so many doses that the US has announced plans to deliver doses of the Johnson & Johnson vaccine to people living in conflict zones such as the Democratic Republic of the Congo, South Sudan and Yemen. America is sending the Johnson & Johnson vaccine into conflict zones? Hasn’t Yemen been through enough? I mean, it’s bad enough that poor countries get T-shirts from the losing Super Bowl team, but now they have to get the third-place vaccine?” —Trevor Noah

“I know there are a lot of reasons why it’s better to send J&J to conflict zones than Moderna or Pfizer – it’s easier to transport, and you don’t need to depend on people being able to come back for a second shot. But I wouldn’t be surprised if there were some American officials who were like, ‘well we’re not gonna waste the good vaccines on someone who’s just going to step on a landmine tomorrow, right fellas?’” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the best way to prevent the two things parents fear the most (Sorry, but with all the wars we just can't afford you)

October 2021

“Last night, an F.D.A. panel gave the green light to the Pfizer vaccine for kids between the ages of 5 and 11. That’s right. That’s right, kids’ vaccines are the best way to prevent the two things parents fear the most: Covid and home-schooling.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Now kids can forget about Covid and worrying about that and go too spreading every other disease known to man.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Here’s how the vaccine will work: Older kids can get Pfizer, younger kids can get Moderna, and the middle child can get Johnson & Johnson.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Hey, kids, guess who gets to go to the doctor twice in the space of three weeks? And, don’t worry, he will stab you!” —Stephen Colbert

“In a few weeks, you’re going to see bouncers outside Chuck E. Cheese checking vaccine cards.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

No, no, it’s definitely Johnson (now you have The Avengers)

October 2021

“Let’s kick things off with the topic on everyone’s mind: vaccine booster shots. They’re like a butt lift for your immune system. And one thing people are wondering about is whether they should mix and match their shots, because maybe vaccines are like superheroes. Sure, Iron Man can save your life, but if you follow him up with Captain America, now you have the Avengers.” —Trevor Noah

“This is kind of like mixing alcoholic beverages — you can do it, but should you? Just remember the rule of thumb: Moderna before Pfizer, always wiser. Pfizer before Moderna, some concern-a.” —James Corden

“The government is careful to say they would not recommend one shot over another. They’re like parents talking to their kids about college: ‘Hey, pick whatever major makes you happy, as long as it’s not poetry or Johnson & Johnson.’” —Stephen Colbert

“Clearly, someone at the company has to be held accountable for this. Personally, I blame Johnson. Then again, maybe it was Johnson I should blame? No, no, it’s definitely Johnson.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

New communist Superman cancels Mr Potato Head’s Christmas p*nis (Legally Speaking, Probably a Few Tears)

October 2021

“For both Pfizer and Moderna, the recommendation is that after six months, people over the age of 65 or who have pre-existing conditions should get a booster. But for Johnson & Johnson, the panel recommends boosters for people 18 and older, and it can be given two months after the first shot. Cool! Hey, you know when that information would have come in handy? Two months after the first shot!” —Stephen Colbert

“In related news, the F.D.A. has asked Johnson & Johnson to rename its ‘No More Tears’ shampoo to ‘Legally Speaking, Probably a Few Tears.’” —James Corden

“There is major news about the most powerful man in the world. That would be Superman, whose maker, DC Comics, announced a new motto for the 83-year-old superhero character: ‘Truth, justice, and a better tomorrow.’ The change tweaks his long-running catchphrase: ‘Truth, justice, and the American way.’ You know, it makes sense to change it. If Superman really followed the current American way, he would fly to school board meetings to scream about how the vaccine gave him heat vision. Changing the slogan for this cartoon has made a lot of people angry – which, of course, is the American way. The ‘American way’ wasn’t Superman’s original motto – it was added by the Superman radio show during the second world war. But a lot has changed since the 1940s. Back then, Superman was also doing ads for cigarettes – ‘be like Superman: smoke Chestertons and you’ll never die!’” —Stephen Colbert

“In a statement, DC Comics said the slogan change was intended to ‘honor Superman’s incredible legacy of over 80 years of building a better world’. Or, as Fox News put it: ‘New communist Superman cancels Mr Potato Head’s Christmas penis.’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

we’ll get there eventually, hang in (just like Mama used to make)

October 2021

“Moderna has come under fire for both refusing to share its Covid vaccine technology as well as denying vaccines to poor countries in desperate need. The Covid vaccine is Moderna’s only product — it’s the only thing the company sells. Imagine only making one thing and billions of people want it. This must be how the Baha Men felt after recording ‘Who Let the Dogs Out,’ you know?” —Jimmy Kimmel

“So on Saturday, The Times reported that Moderna ‘has been supplying its shots almost exclusively to wealthy nations, keeping the poorer countries waiting and earning billions of dollars in profit.’ I’m sure that’s just a coincidence, right? [Imitating Moderna spokesperson] ‘Guys! We’re doing it alphabetically: America, Australia, Britain, Canada, Denmark — it’s not our fault the rich countries come first. Zambia, Zimbabwe, we’ll get there eventually, hang in.’” —Jimmy Kimmel

“It is a shame that companies think about profit in a time like this when people are dying. But I get it — if they don't make money doing it this time, they might not bother to work on a vaccine next time.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Look, man, I get it — Moderna is a business and they want to make money themselves, but at least come up with a better excuse, you know, like the vaccine formula is an old family recipe.” —Trevor Noah

“Apparently, it’s been passed down from generation to generation — just like Mama used to make.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

A riddle Tom Hanks would have to solve in the Da Vinci Code to find out the location of the Holy Grail (worms are almost gone)

August 2021

“Comirnaty? It already had a great name: Pfizer vaccine. I mean, I understand using a complicated name like Viberzi or Xifaxan for IBS drugs so you don’t have to ask your doctor about, I don’t know, ‘diarrhea-be-gone’. The name comes from the term ‘Covid-19 immunity’, with ‘mRNA’, the shot’s underlying technology, embedded in the middle, and is meant to evoke the word community. God, it’s like a riddle Tom Hanks would have to solve in the Da Vinci Code to find out the location of the Holy Grail.” —Seth Meyers

“Meanwhile, the Moderna and Johnson & Johnson vaccines don’t need F.D.A. approval. They spent lockdown learning to love themselves.” —James Corden

“But the vaccine isn’t the only thing keeping the F.D.A. busy. They recently had to tell people not to treat Covid with a drug that’s given to animals with worms. This is real. They tweeted: ‘You are not a horse. You are not a cow. Seriously y’all, stop it.’ Meanwhile, the people taking it are like, ‘Laugh all you want, but I don’t have Covid, and the worms are almost gone.’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Operation: Change the Subject (Stop! You are all under arrest!)

August 2021

“The White House is expected to announce coronavirus booster shots, recommending that Americans receive them eight months after their initial round of inoculation. And to sell Americans on the idea, the White House is hiring a movie trailer narrator to be like, ‘This fall, Pfizer completes their epic trilogy.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Yep, Biden will be making the booster shot announcement as part of his Operation: Change the Subject.” —Jimmy Fallon

“The first people to get boosters will likely be nursing home residents and health care workers, who could get the jab as early as mid-September. So these are autumn shots. The options will be Moderna, Pfizer or pumpkin spice.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We’re out of Coke; is Dom Pérignon OK? (I blame the second Johnson)

April 2021

“And today if you had a Johnson & Johnson appointment in New York, they gave out Pfizer instead. Yeah, it’s like going to a restaurant and hearing, ‘We’re out of Coke; is Dom Pérignon OK?’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Honestly, if you ask me, I think it’s impressive Johnson & Johnson even made a vaccine with such a low chance of blood clots. Pfizer and Moderna are drug companies; Johnson & Johnson makes baby shampoo — I’m surprised their [expletive] works at all.” —Trevor Noah

“When reached for comment, Johnson said it was Johnson’s fault, but Johnson pointed the finger at Johnson.” —Stephen Colbert

“I blame the second Johnson. He never graduated high school.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Johnson & Johnson is owned by the same family who owns the New York Jets, so don’t think of this as a pause; think of it more like a 50-year rebuild.” —Jimmy Fallon

“There is no question that this is a setback with Johnson & Johnson’s vaccine. It’s a setback for a country that is already dealing with a shit-ton of vaccine hesitancy. But the US is still doing a really good job with its vaccine rollout. Which, you have to admit, is a little unexpected. I mean, given how America handled everything else about the pandemic, I wouldn’t have been surprised if when vaccine time came around, America accidentally locked all 300 million doses in the trunk of the car.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The Art of Why Didn’t You Make the Damn Deal?! (In the Ground/Injured/Indifferent)

December 2020

“Britain has inoculated its first citizen against the coronavirus, but it might be longer yet until Americans are vaccinated en masse, as it was revealed this week that the Trump administration passed on securing additional doses of the Pfizer vaccine now being distributed in Britain. It’s leadership like that, that will ensure the president will continue to lose the election. It’s all laid out in the new book, The Art of Why Didn’t You Make the Damn Deal?!” —Stephen Colbert

“Trump attempted to counter the embarrassing story on Tuesday with a White House vaccine summit (skipped by the two leading vaccine companies, Moderna and Pfizer) in which he bragged about the administration’s Operation Warp Speed and signed an executive order proclaiming that other nations will not get the US supplies of its vaccine until Americans have been inoculated. The order is moot, since the US will probably be the country short on vaccines; it appears to have ‘no real teeth’, according to the New York Times, and it’s signed by a man who has no real hair or brain.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

showing up to a house that already burned down and offering to water the grass (just go away)

“In other tentatively good news, a potential coronavirus vaccine by the company Moderna has shown promising early results on a human trial of eight people. The news caused Wall Street to shoot up 900 points on Monday, even though on Friday, at an event to generate hope for finding a vaccine, Trump dismissed the importance of vaccines since the coronavirus ‘problem’ will eventually ‘just go away’. Such a statement, is like standing up at your wedding and saying, ‘I am so excited to spend the rest of my life with you, Cindy, but also living alone is super cool. At some point, like so many other women, you will go away.’” —Stephen Colbert

“The US now accounts for 30% of the world’s coronavirus cases, with 36 million people out of work; last week, the Fed reported that 40% of households making less than $40,000 a year lost a job in March. Or, as the president put it last week: ‘We have met the moment, and we have prevailed’. Trump later walked back his ‘prevailed’ comments, claiming they only applied to testing, but still – we have not prevailed on testing. I mean, it’s good that we’re ramping up testing now, but we needed it three months ago. Bragging about testing now is like showing up to a house that already burned down and offering to water the grass.” —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”