A ballet dancer set a new world record for longest distance covered while performing the splits on two moving A.T.V.s, which also inspired the new TV show "Vagina 9-1-1.” —Colin Jost
Will Smith has released his first new album in 20 years, and ironically, the album doesn't slap. —Michael Che
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
The Russian presidential election was this weekend, and to get people to vote, Russian officials were offering prizes like Apple Watches. It sounds fun — until you open the box with your Apple Watch, and it’s still attached to a hand. --Jimmy Fallon
Golfer Rory McIlroy said there should be a limit to how much alcohol fans can buy at events because they’re getting too rowdy. And also, he’s tired of hearing drunk people try to say “Rory McIlroy.” --Jimmy Fallon
"Governor Chris Christie is in trouble because his staff shut down part of the George Washington Bridge to get back at a political rival. Yesterday, Christie gave a 107-minute press conference to address the scandal. The last time Christie talked for 107 minutes, he was ordering at IHOP." –Jimmy Fallon
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
Even world leaders who could be making the situation in the Middle East better are making it worse. Former President Donald Trump went out of his way to praise the terrorist group Hezbollah calling them quote “very smart.” In Trump’s defense, he thinks Hezbollah is the genie from Aladdin. —Colin Jost
In a new interview, Jada Pickett Smith reveals that she and husband Will Smith have actually been separated since 2016. Ironically, after he suggested that she should star in G.I. Jane 2. —Michael Che
The second largest Hindu temple in the world has opened in New Jersey. Hindu leaders believe that the temple ended up in New Jersey because it did something terrible in a former life. —Michael Che
Yesterday was National No-Bra Day and boy was I dizzy. —Michael Che
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
"I asked my daughter who she liked for president today. She told me she likes Obama because he has big ears like Will Smith. You know, ear size is one of the key issues with young people nowadays." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Germany has overtaken the United States as the world's favorite country. Germany is the most popular country in the world. That is one hell of a comeback." –Jimmy Kimmel
"As expected, the Senate did not pass a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage. President Bush was behind this thing. The president opposes gay marriage, but not because he wants to deny people who are in love the opportunity to get married like everyone else because he just wants to make sure that gay guys are allowed to have sex with as many gay guys as possible." --Jimmy Kimmel
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
"The most important question, though, is who does Oprah support? It was revealed today that Oprah is backing Barack Obama. He joins Dreyer's frozen fruit bars as one of Oprah's favorite things. I guess their names are so similar, she got confused and thought she was supporting herself for president." --Jimmy Kimmel
"The story is O.J. convinced five other guys to go into a room to retrieve sports memorabilia that he says belonged to him. And as the late Johnnie Cochran once said, 'You can't steal-a your own memorabilia.' So now O.J. is in jail. Today he asked for reading glasses and a Bible. Actually, he wanted a Bible with the sixth and eighth commandments removed." --Jimmy Kimmel
President Bush has got a little less than a year left in office so he is trying to squeeze in as many free trips as he can. He's visiting Africa - this is his second trip there as a President. This time, he's going to meet with a number of key leaders including the President of Benin and the leader of Rwanda. Last time, he refused to meet anyone other than Babar, the cartoon elephant." --Jimmy Kimmel
"CNN found out which celebrities are donating money to which presidential campaigns. See if you notice any kind of a pattern here. Hillary Clinton's campaign got money from Paul Newman, Tobey Maguire, Tom Hanks, and Ben Stiller. Barack Obama got donations from Will Smith, Cedric the Entertainer, Isaiah Washington, and Jamie Foxx. And Dennis Kucinich, he actually got some celebrity money. He got checks from Verne Troyer, Emmanuel Lewis, Dr. Ruth, and Papa Smurf. They say as Papa Smurf goes, so goes the South." --Jimmy Kimmel
http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
“After a clip was released yesterday of former President Trump storming out of an interview with journalist Piers Morgan, a spokesman for Trump called the preview a, quote, ‘pathetic attempt to revive the career of a failed television host.’ Buddy, you’re going to have to be more specific.” —Seth Meyers
“And the fallout from the Oscars slap is still rippling through show business, as producers of the Tony awards sent a letter to prospective audience members announcing a ‘strict no violence policy’. In the event of an incident, the letter continued, ‘the perpetrator will be removed from the event immediately’. I think this is good, because I’m going to tell you something: I know we laugh but the only thing worse than getting slapped is getting slapped with jazz hands.” —Jimmy Kimmel
http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
“When I first read the headline that Will Smith has been banned, I thought this was the worst punishment ever. I was like, ‘10 years? The Oscars? This is ridiculous.’ But I got into the details, and I realize he gets to keep his Oscar, and he can still win Oscars even though he’s banned. So in many ways, this isn’t a punishment. This is a favor. Will Smith doesn’t have to go to the ceremony. He doesn’t have to dress up, he doesn’t have to sit through a bunch of boring awards that he doesn’t care about. He doesn’t have to pretend to be happy when he loses – I wish I could get banned from the Emmys! Every year I have to go and act like I might beat John Oliver. It’s a nightmare!” —Trevor Noah
“I also think they should have at least consulted Chris Rock before choosing the punishment, you know? Because if Will were still going to the Oscars, that’s at least four hours where Chris Rock knows where he is. Now, he could be anywhere.” —Trevor Noah
“In all honesty, though, I don’t think they should’ve banned Will Smith at all. I think they should’ve hired Will Smith to replace the wrap-it-up music at awards shows. Do you know how quickly winners will finish their speeches when they see Will Smith watching them from the side of the stage?” —Trevor Noah
http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
Health officials say that after the Annual Gridiron Dinner in Washington, D.C. became a Covid Superspreader Event with more than 50 high-ranking officials getting infected. The problem was a lot of people took off their masks during the post-dinner orgy. —Colin Jost
Health officials in Washington, D.C. confirmed that a fox that bit a congressman near the capital had rabies. Officials suspect the fox contracted rabies when it was bitten by Marjorie Taylor Greene. —Colin Jost
As punishment for slapping Chris Rock, The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences have banned Will Smith from attending the Oscars for ten years. But is that a punishment? He can still be nominated, he can even win an award. He can even go the after party. He just doesn’t have to attend the four-hour ceremony where someone is definitely going to make fun of his wife again. I think, honestly, I think a real punishment would be to make Will Smith host next year’s Oscars. Because trust me, nothing will make you question your choices in life more than hosting an awards show. —Colin Jost
http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
“I struck a nerve with Marjorie Taylor Greene this week, prompting some tweets from the congresswoman in which she said she’d filed a threat report with the Capitol Police. On our show Tuesday night, M.T.G. — ‘Klan Mom’ as we call her — earlier in the day called three of her fellow Republicans ‘pro-pedophile’ for supporting Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson’s nomination to the Supreme Court — which is lovely. A lovely thing to say. So I made a joke. I said, ‘Where is Will Smith when you need him?’ And the audience laughed. And then she saw it, and she decided she was going to get some political mileage out of this. She called the police. Not only did she call the police, she called the same police she voted against giving a congressional gold medal to for defending our Capitol against the insurrection she helped incite on Jan. 6. That’s who she called — the people she wanted to defund.” —Jimmy Kimmel
“It’s amazing how quickly you can go from ‘These liberals! You can’t say anything anymore’ to ‘What did you say? I’m calling the cops!’ Must be that cancel culture they’re always talking about.” —Jimmy Kimmel
“So I, after processing the fact that someone called the police on me — believe it or not, that has never happened to me in my life — I tweeted back, ‘Officer? I’d like to report a joke.’” —Jimmy Kimmel
http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
“Mike Pence, appeared on Fox News on Saturday and claimed that ‘President Biden has done more damage to America than any president in modern history.’ Wow, how strict is your definition of modern history? [Meyers as Pence] ‘Modern history is everything since The Slap. Then from 900 AD to The Slap, that’s the middle ages.’” —Seth Meyers
“Donald Trump is ripping off his own White House photographer. Although it is customary for modern presidents to allow their photographer to profit from their work with post-office commemorative books, aides for Trump reportedly asked his White House photographer, Shealah Craighead, for a cut of her book deal. Trump’s office then told her to hold off on publishing her book, and published her photos before her for $75 a pop without photo credit. Fortunately, she has a lot of pictures of the guy who robbed her, and he looks just like Donald Trump.” —Jimmy Kimmel
“Two least surprising things about this story: one, Trump’s profiting from the work of someone else. And two, the memoir he published about his time in office is a picture book.” —Jimmy Kimmel
http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
During his acceptance speech Will Smith said, ‘Love will make you do crazy things.’ You know what else makes you do crazy things? Crazy. —Michael Che
But I understand where Will’s coming from. I mean you can’t expect him to sit there and watch another man jump all over his wife without signing a Non-Disclosure Agreement. —Michael Che
Can we also stop pretending that everybody knew Jada had alopecia. As much as we heard about Jada and Will’s personal lives, you can’t expect us to retain everything. It’s like Kanye saying, ‘Don’t act like y’all didn’t know I had psoriasis.’ —Michael Che
Just selfishly as a comedian I’m tired of people putting their own insecurities on my joke intentions. I can’t make a joke about it being cold outside without somebody yelling back, ‘Stop making fun of my small penis!’ —Michael Che
Not to mention, Chris Rock has been very public about his non-verbal learning disorder. Which means it’s hard for him to understand non-verbal signals. Sort of like how he saw an angry Will Smith charging toward him, and instead of moving out of the way he put both hands behind his back, smiled and said, ‘Uh-Oh.’ —Michael Che
http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
Intelligence officials are saying that Vladimir Putin is being misinformed by his advisors about how badly the Russian military is performing in Ukraine. Which is kind of like Will Smith’s agent telling him, ‘You crushed it at the Oscars.’ —Colin Jost
Will Smith, for those of you who don’t know, walked on stage during the Academy Awards and slapped Chris Rock after he made a joke about Jada Pinkett-Smith, which I think is a disgraceful act that sets a terrible precedent for having to defend your wife at award shows. —Colin Jost
Yesterday Will Smith resigned from the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. If Will Smith had been expelled he would have joined a small group of people kicked out of the Academy including Bill Cosby, Roman Polanski and Harvey Weinstein. Or as they are also known, Bad Boys for Life. —Colin Jost
I also really love that the reason they let Will Smith stay in the audience was that they asked Chris Rock and he said it was okay. So now we just ask the victim right after they get hit in the head? ‘Hey, are you cool if the guy who just attacked you hangs around for awhile? You don’t want to make him mad again.’ I can’t believe the Academy has a worse concussion protocol than the NFL. —Colin Jost
And honestly I can’t even blame the Academy for not knowing what to do. Nobody knew what to do. Even people at the Oscars were Googling, ‘Did Will Smith just slap Chris Rock?’ I think we should just acknowledge that that was one of the craziest things we will ever see in our lives. It’s truly like the Super Bowl wardrobe malfunction but if Janet’s nipple slapped Timberlake. —Colin Jost
http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
“This week has also seen Donald Trump accused of using burner phones during the January 6 riot to maintain privacy. He has claimed to not be aware of what a burner phone is. Dude, you worked in New York real estate for decades. I bet every phone he used was a burner phone. Trump’s former national security adviser John Bolton has claimed that the ex-president is lying, as he has used them before and spoken of them. Trump has always gone overboard with his defense. It’s like if your parents say they found weed in your sock drawer and you say, ‘What the hell is a sock?’” —Seth Meyers
“This week has also seen an investigation launched into Will Smith’s on-stage slap on Chris Rock. The Academy has said it is important to protect the integrity of the institution. And it is so important to protect the integrity of the Academy, Colbert said before coughing out the names of Roman Polanski, Kevin Spacey and Harvey Weinstein.” —Stephen Colbert
“The Academy said it is ‘ready to dole out the pain’ which might involve Smith being forced to watch a double-bill of Hitch and The Legend of Bagger Vance.” —Stephen Colbert
http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
“Yep, in just a split second, the Oscars went from Oscar de la Renta to Oscar De La Hoya, you know?” —Jimmy Fallon
“The 94th Academy Awards were held last night and featured the first live performance of ‘We Don’t Talk About Bruno,’ from the Disney musical ‘Encanto,’ followed by an unbelievable live performance of ‘We Don’t Talk About Jada.’” —Seth Meyers
“Seriously, you know it was a strange award show when it ends with a statement from the L.A.P.D., you know what I’m saying?” —Jimmy Fallon
http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
“Let me say something as an objective observer: It’s never OK to punch a comedian. I’ve got to say, Will Smith was offended by the joke and wanted to stand up to his wife. Fine. Challenge Chris to a duel or, if you really want to hit him, don’t laugh. It hurts more than a punch, I promise you.” —Stephen Colbert
“That’s the worst thing Will Smith has ever done. Wait, I forgot about ‘Wild Wild West.’” —Stephen Colbert
“I’m kidding, obviously. The worst thing he’s ever done is ‘Gemini Man.’ Someone should slap both of the guys in that movie.” —Stephen Colbert
“In the aftermath, Rock declined to press charges, but this is Hollywood, and there are rules. You can’t just storm a stage, physically assault someone on camera, and then go back to your seat. There have to be consequences! Like winning the Oscar for best actor and receiving a standing ovation then partying all night.” —Stephen Colbert
http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
“Obviously, Chris Rock did not deserve to be slapped in the face for a joke. Will’s point of view is he was defending his wife, and that’s a tough position to be in because it’s damned if you do, Ted Cruz if you don’t.” —Jimmy Kimmel
“To me, there’s only one more step to make this right: the Comedy Central roast of Will Smith, hosted by Chris Rock.” —Jimmy Kimmel
“And by the way, no one did anything. A whole roomful of people, no one lifted a finger. Spider-Man was there, Aquaman was there, Catwoman, all sitting on their hands. No one helped Chris Rock. We will never stop talking about this. It was so shocking. The only thing I can really compare it to is when Mike Tyson bit Evander Holyfield’s ears. Even Kanye was like, ‘You went onstage and did what at an awards show?’” —Jimmy Kimmel
http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
"In a new interview, Mitt Romney said that he is against marijuana being used for recreational purposes. When stoners heard that, they were like, 'Well, what about just for fun?'" –Jimmy Fallon
"In a new interview, first lady Michelle Obama said that she would choose Will Smith or Denzel Washington to play her husband in a movie. Or as Democrats put that, 'Any way they can play him in a debate?'" –Jimmy Fallon
"During Wednesday's debate Mitt Romney said that even though he likes Big Bird, if elected he would stop the subsidy to PBS – it's a surprising threat considering that 'Mitt' is such an excellent Muppet name." –Seth Meyers on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"According to Nielson numbers, more than 70 million people watched Wednesday's debate either on TV, online, or from one of the podiums." –Seth Meyers
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html
“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic.
A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”
