If it's green smoke, Willie Nelson has somehow gotten into the Sistine Chapel (Brotherly Love)

"Actually, when the voting's done to elect a new Pope, the cardinals burn their ballots. People wait outside the Sistine Chapel to see what color the smoke is. If it's white smoke, they've agreed on a Pope. If it's black smoke, no decision's been made. If it's green smoke, Willie Nelson has somehow gotten into the Sistine Chapel." –Craig Ferguson

On this day in 1776 in Philadelphia, the Liberty Bell rang to announce the first public reading of the Declaration of Independence. Philadelphia's called the City of Brotherly Love. The name comes from the Greek word "filla," meaning brother, and "delphia," meaning cheesesteak.—Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

they sit around the campfire and tell scary stories about taxing the top 2% (Apparently, she has never celebrated Halloween in San Francisco)

"A Tea Party group has a summer camp for kids, the only one where they sit around the campfire and tell scary stories about taxing the top 2%." –Conan O'Brien

"Rep. Michele Bachmann once said that gay people lead a very sad life. Apparently, she has never celebrated Halloween in San Francisco." –Conan O'Brien

"A new study shows that only 35 percent of fourth-graders know the purpose of the Declaration of Independence. When she heard this, Sarah Palin said, 'How are they supposed to know about something that happened 20 years ago.'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How can we make our candidate more white? (Chilly Willy)

On this day in 1776 in Philadelphia, the Liberty Bell rang to announce the first public reading of the Declaration of Independence. Philadelphia's called the City of Brotherly Love. The name comes from the Greek word "filla," meaning brother, and "delphia," meaning cheesesteak.—Craig Ferguson

"Sarah Palin is stepping down as governor of Alaska. Don't worry about the state of Alaska. They'll be fine. According to the state constitution, the job automatically goes to the lieutenant governor, Chilly Willy." --Craig Ferguson

"But the dirt is beginning to come out. Apparently, one of Sarah's first acts as Governor of Alaska was getting a tanning bed installed in the governor's mansion. The Republican Party is okay with it, which is weird, because usually they ask themselves, 'How can we make our candidate more white?'" --Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You wouldn't believe how many guys on Match.com once dated Kate Upton (194 in 130 days)

"It has been reported that Twitter usage is up a staggering 1300% since last year. 1300%. Yeah, folks, it's hard to imagine that just one year ago, most of us had no idea what Wilmer Valderrama was having for lunch." --Conan O'Brien

Match.com is charging $5,000 to set you up with someone who looks like your ex. You wouldn't believe how many guys on Match.com once dated Kate Upton.--Conan O'Brien

"A new study shows that only 35 percent of fourth-graders know the purpose of the Declaration of Independence. When she heard this, Sarah Palin said, 'How are they supposed to know about something that happened 20 years ago?'" –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it still feels good telling the British guy to get out (because our lives WERE on the line)

February 2014

"The Winter Olympics in Sochi wrapped up yesterday. Canada beat Sweden for the gold medal in men's hockey. People in Canada were going crazy. They spent all night knocking over cars, and then picking them back up and leaving a nice note." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Sochi Olympics are over. Russia ended up with the most gold medals. Russian athletes said, 'We played like our lives were on the line because our lives WERE on the line.'" –Conan O'Brien

"CNN is canceling Piers Morgan's talk show. Yes, it's been 238 years since the Declaration of Independence, but it still feels good telling the British guy to get out." –Craig Ferguson

"Larry King has offered to come back and replace Piers Morgan. Well, technically it wouldn't be 'coming back.' He's been living under the desk for the last three years." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

that guy doesn’t have his own penis-shaped spaceship (lick the back of it like a stamp)

October 2021

“It looks like Democrats are close to a breakthrough on the Build Back Better bill, as Democratic lawmakers worked to prune Biden’s top legislative priority into a shape that Senate holdouts Joe Manchin and Kirsten Sinema would support. But everyone was on board with taxing the richest corporations, pushing a proposal that would set a 15% baseline tax for companies with more than $1 Billion in profits. I know Amazon is going to complain about it, but 15% isn’t even that much! These giant companies are going to be paying the same rate as the guy who hands out the shoes at the bowling alley, and I guarantee you: that guy doesn’t have his own penis-shaped spaceship.” —Trevor Noah

“I don’t know if this is going to convince corporations to be happy about having less money, but I do think Manchin is right: paying taxes is patriotic. Part of loving your country is financially supporting your country. You can’t say you love your child if you’re sending all your money to some other kid who’s in the Cayman Islands.” —Trevor Noah

“The average cost of a funeral has risen at twice the rate of inflation since the 1980s; in 2019, a standard funeral cost on average more than $9,000. But even basic funerals can be out of reach for many families on account of hidden costs, from rental caskets to embalming, an unnecessary procedure that puts 4.3 Million gallons of chemicals into the ground each year. On the bright side, it allows humans to die like we lived: destroying the environment.” —Samantha Bee

“Georgia congresswoman and unrepentant election conspiracist Marjorie Taylor Greene, who tried to justify the 6 January insurrection this week by saying that the Declaration of Independence supports overthrowing ‘tyrants’. Greene’s comments came days after a report from Rolling Stone tied her and seven other Republican lawmakers to organizers of the Stop the Steal rally that devolved into the attack. Two organizers of the rally now cooperating with federal investigators have described ‘dozens’ of planning meetings with said lawmakers; one said he ‘remembered Marjorie Taylor Greene specifically’. Greene has denied the report, saying she was too focused on opposing the certification of the 2020 election results. Her denial is itself a damning admission – she claims she wasn’t involved in planning the protest because she was too busy trying to overturn the election results. We shouldn’t just let that pass by unnoticed. It’s a classic defense – ‘I couldn’t have burned down your house because I was too busy buying gasoline and matches and a map to your house.’” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Apparently, she has never celebrated Halloween in San Francisco (scary stories about taxing the top 2%)

June 2011

"Congressman Anthony Weiner’s wife returned today from her diplomatic trip to Ethiopia. She said she got really tired of Ethiopians telling her, 'I feel so sorry for you.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A new study shows that only 35 percent of fourth-graders know the purpose of the Declaration of Independence. When she heard this, Sarah Palin said, 'How are they supposed to know about something that happened 20 years ago.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A Tea Party group has a summer camp for kids, the only one where they sit around the campfire and tell scary stories about taxing the top 2%." –Conan O'Brien

"Rep. Michele Bachmann once said that gay people lead a very sad life. Apparently, she has never celebrated Halloween in San Francisco." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

There is something wrong with this banana (you know the thing)

“Yes, Joe Biden is very much alive, which isn’t something candidates usually need to remind people, but that’s still OK. It’s a great campaign slogan. Just take it, man, take it.” —Trevor Noah

“Just in the past 24 hours, Joe has gaffed everything from the name of a TV anchor he was talking to to the Declaration of Independence. And the name thing on its own is bad because interviews are sort of like sex: It doesn’t matter how well it goes, if you call the person the wrong thing at the end, the whole thing is ruined.” —Trevor Noah

“I could do better than that, and I’m from the country you declared independence from.” —James Corden, on Biden forgetting part of the Declaration of Independence at a rally

“Guess those truths aren’t as self-evident as he thought. [Imitating Biden] A great man, John F. Kennerby once said, ‘Four score and seven and, we pledge allegiance to the folks, because in space no one can hear you scream, yabba dabba doo, where’s the beef — you know the thing.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

the two-minute drill reminds him of his night with Stormy Daniels (and they called themselves patriots?!)

Today President Trump hosted the Army football team at the White House for the trophy ceremony. They all played a game of catch and the quarterback kept telling Trump to go long until he just disappeared. --Jimmy Fallon

Trump loves football because the two-minute drill reminds him of his night with Stormy Daniels. --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

George W. Bush is counting down the days until he will no longer be the worst president in history

Are you guys enjoying March Madness? Speaking of madness: Donald Trump. We’re on the brink of another crisis because it really feels like Trump is gearing up to fire Special Counsel (and guy wondering how much he’ll get for his book deal) Robert Mueller. --Stephen Colbert

This past Saturday, Trump’s attorney, John Dowd, called for “the immediate shutdown of the special counsel probe into Russian interference in the 2016 election.” Dowd made the demand in an email sent to a reporter that was written in purple Comic Sans. Really! Sounds inappropriate until you remember that the Declaration of Independence was originally written in Wingdings. --Stephen Colbert

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

And they called themselves patriots?! (evasive action)

"A very scary moment for four U.S. Senators and Congressmen. I guess Senator Mel Martinez, Richard Shelby, James Inhofe and Congressman Bud Cramer were visiting the troops when their C-130 cargo plane had to take evasive action to avoid gunfire, and that's while taking off from Newark." --Jay Leno

"Senator Fred Thompson is on the show tonight, and he says he has something major to announce. In America that can only be one of three things. So he's either pregnant, gay, or running for president." --Jay Leno

    

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

this is like sending flowers to the funeral of somebody you just murdered

Trump is also the one who wants to cut funding to the national parks. So this is like sending flowers to the funeral of somebody you just murdered. –James Corden

The National Archives and Records Administration in Washington, D.C. — this is where they store the Constitution, the Declaration of Independence, the Gettysburg Address — they have asked the White House to save all of President Trump’s tweets. It’s important to have all the president’s tweets so that future historians will be able to go back and see what was on Fox News that day. –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #JusticeDemocrats #Bernie2020

one day we will have a movie where Nicolas Cage tries to steal that tweet

The National Archives will showcase all the great pillars of American democracy — the Declaration of Independence, the U.S. Constitution, and the “I have never seen a thin person drinking Diet Coke” tweet. –James Corden

On the bright side, one day we will have a movie where Nicolas Cage tries to steal that tweet. –James Corden

Donald Trump donated the first three months of his presidential salary to the National Park Service. That tremor you just felt was all four presidents on Mount Rushmore rolling their eyes. –James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #JusticeDemocrats #Bernie2020

The Thanksgiving Day Parade just got a few more clowns

In a recent interview, Ben Carson said that Thomas Jefferson wrote the U.S. Constitution, when he actually wrote the Declaration of Independence. Or as Carson's campaign staff put it, “Close enough! –Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump was recently being interviewed, and said that he's not a fan of the man bun trend, and wouldn't want to wear his hair that way. You know it's bad when even Donald Trump is like, "I'm not putting that on my head." –Jimmy Fallon

I saw that NBC has officially granted Mike Huckabee, John Kasich, Jim Gilmore and Lindsey Graham free airtime to equal Donald Trump's recent Saturday Night Live appearance. When asked how they'll feature the candidates, NBC was like, “Let's just say the Thanksgiving Day Parade just got a few more clowns.” –Jimmy Fallon

A Ugandan police officer walks into a bar...

On this day in 1776 in Philadelphia, the Liberty Bell rang to announce the first public reading of the Declaration of Independence. Philadelphia's called the City of Brotherly Love. The name comes from the Greek word "filla," meaning brother, and "delphia," meaning cheesesteak.—Craig Ferguson

A Ugandan police officer claims he was forced to shoot an aggressive tortoise that attacked him while he was drinking tea at home. In his defense, he had to act quickly, or move over a few feet and weigh his options for another hour.—Seth Meyers