Apparently, they're worried that if politicians touch the Pope they'll burst into flames (Just pretend you're laying off a bunch of people)

I saw that top congressional leaders sent a statement to the House and Senate with guidelines for Pope Francis' visit, including a request to not shake his hand. Apparently, they're worried that if politicians touch the Pope they'll burst into flames. –Jimmy Fallon

Carly Fiorina said that after the previous debate, people told her that she needed to smile more. They were like, "Just pretend you're laying off a bunch of people." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Unfortunately, the study was conducted on the F train (Strategic, Honorable, and Interesting Tactics)

The CEO of BMW fainted onstage at the Frankfurt auto show this week. And in classic BMW fashion, he fainted across two parking spaces. –Seth Meyers

A new study has found that 8 percent of Americans sleep naked. Unfortunately, the study was conducted on the F train. –Seth Meyers

Because the FEC does not let candidate names appear in the title of a Super PAC, Carly Fiorina’s organization has started claiming its name CARLY for America is an acronym that stands for Conservative, Authentic, Responsive Leadership for You and for America. And I think that shows her campaign is full of Strategic, Honorable, and Interesting Tactics. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You can do this already with a ZIP code (side of mayo)

President Trump had lunch with Vice President Mike Pence today. He didn't mean to. He just asked a waiter for a side of mayo and they brought Pence over. --Seth Meyers

A new CNN poll shows that Carly Fiorina has pushed Chris Christie out of the top 10 for the Republican nomination. Unfortunately, she threw her back out doing it. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Just pretend you're laying off a bunch of people (Panic Carefully)

Carly Fiorina said that after the previous debate, people told her that she needed to smile more. They were like, "Just pretend you're laying off a bunch of people." –Jimmy Fallon

In his closing comments, Rand Paul said that he is running to create a government so small that you can barely see it. Paul said it would be modeled after his presidential campaign. –Jimmy Fallon

Tomorrow, Krispy Kreme will give you a free doughnut if you walk in wearing a costume. Which means we now have a new definition for the term "walk of shame." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This means that she is now just a heartbeat away from never being president (You never really get used to it)

Now that the election is narrowing to a two-person race, Donald Trump said he will have to get used to Hillary Clinton’s shouting. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, "You never really get used to it." –Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump now appears to be the likely Republican nominee. In a related story, Canada is getting ready for 45 million people to come crash on their couch. –Conan O’Brien

Earlier today, despite losing five primaries, Ted Cruz stunned everybody by announcing his vice presidential candidate is Carly Fiorina. This means Fiorina is now just a heartbeat away from never being president. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

License number: Winking Face, Winking Face, Crying Laugh, Sunglasses, Dancing Lady. (He’s getting more presidential every day)

Starting next month, people in Queensland, Australia will be able to personalize their license plates using emojis. It just doesn’t sound quite as cool for a car chase though to be like, “Dispatch, we’re in pursuit of a suspect. License number: Winking Face, Winking Face, Crying Laugh, Sunglasses, Dancing Lady. I need backup, dammit!” --James Corden

Earlier in his campaign, Donald Trump was calling Carly Fiorina ugly. Now he’s saying he might pick her up if she falls down. Guys, that’s growth. He’s getting more presidential every day. –James Corden

A woman in England was searching a farm with a metal detector when she found what she thought was a foil-wrapped chocolate coin only to find out later that it is a 1500 year old solid gold pendant worth a fortune. Yeah, unbelievable. To get that close to chocolate only to be disappointed. It’s a real bummer. She probably should have known it wasn’t a chocolate coin when she found it using a metal detector. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Fun Fact: $400 Billion is 5% of $7 Trillion (Metaphor! Metaphor!)

In Pennsylvania, a 100-year-old woman has broken the world record for the 100-yard dash in her age group. She won with the record-setting time of "Wednesday." –Conan O’Brien

"BP has been fined $25 million for causing an oil spill in Alaska five years ago. Or as BP refers to it, 'our warm up spill.'" –Conan O'Brien

At a Ted Cruz rally, Carly Fiorina fell off the stage and Cruz didn’t help her up. The entire crowd immediately began chanting, “Metaphor! Metaphor!” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I live in Delaware, what else am I suppose to do? (honey, look at your reflection in your cauldron)

"Political experts say the one thing you're not supposed to do as a politician is say you're not something. Remember, Nixon 'I am not a crook.' Bill Clinton 'I did not have sex with that woman.' Carly Fiorina has an ad out here. She said, 'I am not that butch gym teacher from 'Glee.'" – Bill Maher

"Christine O'Donnell is blaming the liberal media, but you know what, Christine, I just showed clips of you opening your mouth and crazy s**t coming out. If you want to blame someone, honey, look at your reflection in your cauldron." –Bill Maher

"Christine O'Donnell is behind, but I don't think it's the witch stuff. I think it's because of her anti-masturbation stance. She's very serious about that, and you know people in Delaware are going, 'Come on, I live in Delaware, what else am I suppose to do?'" –Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

He’s getting more presidential every day

Ted Cruz suspending his campaign is great news for the only other candidate, John Kasich, who is now just waiting for Donald Trump to drop out. –James Corden

Earlier in his campaign, Trump was calling Carly Fiorina ugly. Now he’s saying he might pick her up if she falls down. Guys, that’s growth. He’s getting more presidential every day. –James Corden

Just before Cruz exited the race, Donald Trump implied that Ted Cruz’s dad may have been involved in the Kennedy assassination. This is very unlike Trump. Usually, he thoroughly investigates a story before repeating it to millions of people. –James Corden

The entire crowd immediately began chanting, “Metaphor! Metaphor!”

The White House Correspondents' Dinner was on Saturday, and President Obama ended his speech by saying “Obama out” and literally dropping the mic. Then Hillary Clinton caught the mic mid-air and said, “LET'S DO THIS!” –Jimmy Fallon

During an after-party following the Correspondents' Dinner, a fight broke out between reporters at Fox News and The Huffington Post. But no major details came out about the fight – 'cuz it was only witnessed by CNN reporters. –Jimmy Fallon

At a Ted Cruz rally, Carly Fiorina fell off the stage and Cruz didn’t help her up. The entire crowd immediately began chanting, “Metaphor! Metaphor!” –Conan O’Brien

So whatever you do, don’t drink the tea called...

CVS Pharmacy has recalled some herbal teas that might be infected with the salmonella virus. So whatever you do, don’t drink the tea called, "Permanent Sleepytime." –Conan O’Brien

The American bison was just named the official mammal of the United States. To put this in perspective, the bison narrowly beat out the McRib. –Conan O’Brien

Yesterday Ted Cruz, the man mathematically eliminated from becoming president, picked his vice president. Cruz chose Carly Fiorina as his running mate: The first woman ever to lose the Republican nomination twice in three months. –James Corden

I assume he means civilization as we know it

You almost have to hand it to Ted Cruz. Even though he lost all five primaries, today he named a running mate. He named Carly Fiorina as his running mate. For what, I don't know. Maybe they plan to go running together. –Jimmy Kimmel

During his victory speech last night Donald Trump dismissed the idea of facing a contested convention, saying, “As far as I’m concerned, it’s over.” And by “it,” I assume he means civilization as we know it. –Seth Meyers

Should he win the nomination, Ted Cruz has selected former Hewlett Packard CEO Carly Fiorina as his running mate. But, unfortunately, he did so by announcing, “Ted Cruz has HP VP!” -- Seth Meyers

You never really get used to it

Earlier today, despite losing five primaries, Ted Cruz stunned everybody by announcing his vice presidential candidate is Carly Fiorina. This means Fiorina is now just a heartbeat away from never being president. –Conan O’Brien

Now that the election is narrowing to a two-person race, Donald Trump said he will have to get used to Hillary Clinton’s shouting. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, "You never really get used to it." –Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump now appears to be the likely Republican nominee. In a related story, Canada is getting ready for 45 million people to come crash on their couch. –Conan O’Brien

her lifelong dream was to lose twice in the same election

Yesterday was a huge win for Donald Trump, who won all five of the primaries in the states of Connecticut, Delaware, Maryland, Pennsylvania, and Rhode Island. During his victory speech, Trump called it a “diverse victory.” And it’s true! Some people in those states shop at J. Crew, and others shop at the J. Crew OUTLET. –Jimmy Fallon

Today, Carly Fiorina was announced as Ted Cruz's running mate. Fiorina said it's always been her lifelong dream to lose twice in the same election. –Jimmy Fallon

Former presidential candidates Martin O'Malley and Mike Huckabee might actually be starting a bipartisan band together. The band has a great way to make money: Their concerts are free, but earplugs cost $200. –Jimmy Fallon

We're basically the same person

My New Year's resolution for 2016 was to join a gym. My New Year's resolution next year is to go to that gym. –James Corden

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg announced his resolution saying "my personal challenge for 2016 is to build a simple AI to run my home and help me with my work." Mark Zuckerberg's resolution is to build an artificial intelligence system that controls his entire home. Meanwhile, I'm determined to give up sweets. We're basically the same person. –James Corden

Donald Trump said yesterday that if he’s elected, he would “probably not talk as much.” That’s right, if Donald Trump is elected, even HE will be speechless. –Seth Meyers

Republican hopeful Carly Fiorina said on Sunday that Ted Cruz will say “whatever he needs to say” to win the election. And it’s true. Just this morning, Ted Cruz said “Hi, I’m Hillary Clinton.” –Seth Meyers

China this weekend formally replaced its one-child policy with a new law allowing two children per family. That way, families will have one child to play with, while the other one’s at work. –Seth Meyers

New Year's Haiku

Jeb looks just awful

W is a big cross to bear

a heavy brother

Jeb not the smart one?

W. banned from the convention

Repudiation

Jeb at 4 per cent

Bush name repudiation

Mission Accomplished

W. is banned again

maybe fourth time will be charm

repudiation

Trump scapegoats Muslims

and Carly sees baby parts,

is Carson sleeping?

Bobby Jindal isn’t even allowed to WATCH

While we're taping this, the fourth Republican debate has not happened yet, but I'm kind of hoping they ask the other candidates what they would do if they had a time machine. Carly Fiorina would go back to that one week when she had great poll numbers. Just kidding — Carly Fiorina would go back to when she laid off 30,000 HP employees just to cackle and taste the blood again. –James Corden

Jeb Bush said in a new interview that if he could travel back in time he would kill Hitler as a baby, adding, “You gotta step up, man.” And it’s comments like those that have a lot of people telling Jeb, “You gotta step down, man.” --Seth Meyers

The fourth Republican debate was held tonight and Chris Christie and Mike Huckabee were demoted to the undercard event. Meanwhile, Bobby Jindal isn’t even allowed to WATCH. --Seth Meyers

Instead of canceling killer whale shows as previously reported, the CEO of SeaWorld clarified today that performances will continue but are being re-choreographed to reflect “conservation and a natural environment.” That story again: The killer whales have to learn a new dance. --Seth Meyers

I’m not sure I want to see a slutty Mike Huckabee

Carly Fiorina said that after the previous debate, people told her that she needed to smile more. They were like, "Just pretend you're laying off a bunch of people." –Jimmy Fallon

In his closing comments, Rand Paul said that he is running to create a government so small that you can barely see it. Paul said it would be modeled after his presidential campaign. –Jimmy Fallon

This Saturday is Halloween and a lot of people this year are going as presidential candidates. However, I’m not sure I want to see a slutty Mike Huckabee. –Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump is actually fading from the media spotlight

We have Republican presidential candidate and former Hewlett Packard CEO Carly Fiorina on the show tonight! First she's gonna talk about the campaign, then she's gonna help me fix the paper jam in our printer. –Jimmy Fallon

I read that certain data that measures how often a candidate's name is mentioned showed that Donald Trump is actually fading from the media spotlight. You can tell Trump's status has faded, because today, he was named a contestant on “Celebrity Apprentice.” –Jimmy Fallon

Strategic, Honorable, and Interesting Tactics.

Because the FEC does not let candidate names appear in the title of a Super PAC, Carly Fiorina’s organization has started claiming its name CARLY for America is an acronym that stands for Conservative, Authentic, Responsive Leadership for You and for America. And I think that shows her campaign is full of Strategic, Honorable, and Interesting Tactics. –Seth Meyers

Lawyers for Guantanamo Bay prisoner Muhammad Rahim al-Afghani have revealed that he used to have an Ashley Madison account. He was already gittin’ some but he wanted to Gitmo. –Seth Meyers