Smell like you owe the Federal government $10 billion (Fresno is now part of China)

"You can tell this drought is getting really bad. Today at lunch, my waiter asked if I wanted a glass of water or a future for my children. I took the water." –Conan O'Brien

"Seriously, though, this is very good news. You should be happy. Arnold Schwarzenegger has found a way to close the state's $26 billion budget deficit. It's giant. Now I can't get into all the details, but in short, Fresno is now part of China." --Conan O'Brien

"Weird story about General Motors. General Motors just announced they've created - I'm not kidding - a new line of Cadillac cologne. The Cadillac cologne slogan is, 'Smell like you owe the Federal government $10 billion.'" --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Finally a company looking out for the interests of gay and lesbian Chinese factory workers! (American traditions)

August 2013

"John Kerry said it's 'undeniable' that the president of Syria is using weapons of mass destruction. Kerry said President Obama needs to build a coalition of countries and attack soon, no matter what others might say. Today former President George Bush said, 'Hey, good luck with that. Let me know how it works out.'" –Jay Leno

"Wal-Mart will soon begin offering benefits for their employees' same-sex partners. How about that? Finally a company looking out for the interests of gay and lesbian Chinese factory workers!" –Jay Leno

"The attorney general of New York is now suing Donald Trump for $40 million claiming that Trump University is a fraud. I guess he got suspicious when he realized the dean of the business school was Bernie Madoff." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Sir, can you please just pay for your ice cream and go? (a real emergency: his poll numbers)

June 2011

"President Obama announced the beginning of withdrawal of troops from Afghanistan. He said last night, 'We can't stay there indefinitely.' You think our troops in Korea are going, 'HELLO, we've been here for 60 years.'" –Jay Leno

"A little information for the folks watching at home: Our entire studio audience tonight is all people who used to work for Newt Gingrich." –Jay Leno

"Today President Obama has released 30 million barrels of oil from the strategic petroleum reserve. He said it was in response to what he called a real emergency: his poll numbers." –Jay Leno

"According to reports, poor financial decisions with a Chicago brokerage firm cost Al-Qaida over $20 million in investments. Why are we risking the lives of our Navy SEALs? Send in Bernie Madoff. He will take care of these people. In five minutes they will be broke." –Jay Leno

"Al Gore publicly attacks President Obama for taking no bold action on global warming and not fighting hard enough to pass new legislation in Congress. Then the girl behind the counter said, 'Sir, can you please just pay for your ice cream and go?'" –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Especially the parts about Dumbledore and Voldemort (Oh, I f**king hate wine!)

"You can tell President Obama wrote his children's book a few years ago. It lists 13 great Americans and they include Bernie Madoff, Tiger Woods, and Charlie Sheen." –Craig Ferguson

"For Republicans, Bill Clinton is like a fine wine -- the more you drink, the harder it is to remember, 'Oh, I f**king hate wine!'" –Jon Stewart

"Rep. John Boehner is the new speaker of the House. Turn-ons include tax cuts and spray tans." –Craig Ferguson

"Reports suggest that parts of former President Bush's new book may have been lifted from other books. Especially the parts about Dumbledore and Voldemort." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

He won't need that where he's going (he hoped to give it to his new fiancé, Walt)

"Former President George W. Bush was all over TV promoting his book, 'Decision Points.' On 'Rachael Ray,' they waterboarded a veal cutlet." –David Letterman

"Bill Clinton is going to appear in a movie, he has a small part in a movie called the Hangover 2. George W. Bush also next year will be seen in the new Jackass movie." –David Letterman

"Bernie Madoff's underpants were sold at an auction. They were from 'Fraud of the Loom.'" –David Letterman

"Madoff was upset that his wife sold her engagement ring for $500,000, because he hoped to give it to his new fiancé, Walt." –David Letterman

"They sold a lot of Madoff's cold weather clothing. He won't need that where he's going." –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

You know you're in pretty bad shape when you can't even give away a Hummer (Sure, now you give me a shield)

"The U.S. Mint has announced they're redesigning the penny. It's going to have Abraham Lincoln on the front and a shield on the back. Lincoln is probably thinking, 'Sure, now you give me a shield.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Bernie Madoff's daughter-in-law, Stephanie Madoff, is changing her name. She says the Madoff name is tainted with scandal and she wants a name with less negative connotation. She is now known as Stephanie bin Laden." –Craig Ferguson

"It's a bad day for General Motors. They're shutting down the Hummer. The Chinese were going to buy it, but after careful consideration, the Chinese decided they don't want it. You know you're in pretty bad shape when you can't even give away a Hummer." –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I'm telling you, it's like being a Bernie Madoff client (Make your toilet great again!)

"I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings, but in this country, people are getting fatter. But now, to add insult to injury, or injury to insult, they have isolated the fattest state in the United States. Yup. Mississippi. And I thought, well, this is no surprise. You know the state motto of Mississippi? Right there on the flag, it says, 'Are you gonna finish that?'" --David Letterman

"You know anything about -- we had a guy in town, he's gone away to jail now for 150 years -- Bernie Madoff? And now the U.S. government has started trying to find out about his wife, who had, like, $87 million. And she kept saying, now this is not money that Bernie swiped. This is not -- this is not money that he swindled. This is not swindling money. You see, this is money I saved by switching to Geico. They said, 'What?! That's -- how is that possible lady?'" --David Letterman

"But Ruth Madoff-- listen to this -- Ruth lost her house. Ruth lost her house, lost her car; has lost her savings. I mean, I'm telling you, it's like being a Bernie Madoff client." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

How is the guy supposed to earn a living when he gets out of jail in 150 years? (M-C Vise Grip)

"But the Iranian supreme leader says the election results are official. He said, 'It's over, the election results are official. And besides that, it costs too much to rig another election.'" --David Letterman

"Do you know anything about this swindling weasel Bernie Madoff? He's in jail now and they haven't even sentenced the guy yet. But he's in the cooler right now. And he is barred -- I heard this today -- barred from working in the securities industry. I'm thinking, well, great. How is the guy supposed to earn a living when he gets out of jail in 150 years?" --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

You see, we never had that head-clearing problem with Bush (How I Met Your Camel/Fake Dominos)

"You folks following the Iranian elections? Well, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is the winner. And lots of protests. And it got to be so crazy that Iran's supreme leader actually spoke live on television last night. And it preempted Al Jazeera's most popular show, their number one show over there, which is 'How I Met Your Camel.'" --David Letterman

"Bernie Madoff could be going away for 150 years. Whoa, man, that's a long time. I mean, when he gets out, the Republicans could be back in." --David Letterman

"Anybody here from South Carolina? Well, their governor, their Governor Mark Sanford just disappears for four days. Literally, takes a hike. He's out. And now, he's back. And he says, 'Well what's the big deal? I was just on a vacation to clear my head.' You see, we never had that head-clearing problem with Bush. You know what I mean?" --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”  

there's always Congress, the NFL, and show business (You lost. Get over it.)

"And as the economy lags, the Army is getting more and more selective now. The Army announced this week they will no longer accept drug addicts and felons. But the good news is there's always Congress, the NFL, and show business." --Jay Leno

"Remember those Somali pirates, those crazy guys that are hijacking boats and stuff? They got one of them here in New York City standing trial. And I want to tell you something, this guy thinks he's a pirate. Well, wait until he gets the bill for his New York legal team. Then we'll see who the pirate is. That's what I say." --David Letterman

"But they have the pirate locked up. And today, he met one of his idols, Bernie Madoff." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Well, if you don't count AIG, of course (Spreading democracy in the Middle East)

"Anyway, U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder tried to put all this in perspective. He said this is the first act of piracy against the United States literally 'in hundreds of years.' Well, if you don't count AIG, of course." --Jay Leno

"Speaking of that, the New York Post says that Bernard Madoff's wife, Ruth Madoff, may go back to using her maiden name. But I don't know if that's going to work because her maiden name is bin Laden." --Jay Leno

"And speaking of naval heroes, we have one on the show here tonight. Senator John McCain. Let me tell you something, McCain knows a thing or two about battling pirates, because, as a young man, he led the crew that sank the famous pirate Blackbeard's ship." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

That just goes to show you what determination, hard work, and 45 billion of our bailout dollars can do (stupid people)

"President Obama took on the teachers union by saying he wants merit pay for teachers and to fire the ones who do not perform well. That is pretty bold. A Democrat taking on the unions is like Rush Limbaugh going after the doughnut manufacturers." --Jay Leno

"Here's some good news. Bernard Madoff, the sleaze-ball guy in that $50 billion Ponzi scheme thing, is going to plead guilty. But Madoff's lawyer is trying to get all the charges dropped by arguing that Madoff is no longer a threat to society because there aren’t any rich people anymore." --Jay Leno

"And there was a big rally on Wall Street yesterday after Citigroup reported a profit for the first two months of the year. That just goes to show you what determination, hard work, and 45 billion of our bailout dollars can do." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”  

I trust your meeting with Trump went well (In prison, he's available)

"Well, Bernard Madoff pled guilty today in court for running a Ponzi scheme, was immediately taken to jail. Get this, when he was taken to jail, he wasn't wearing a wedding ring. So, you know what that means, guys. In prison, he's available." -- Jay Leno

"President Bush's first speech on the lecture circuit is June 17 in Pennsylvania. President Bush will discuss his eight years in office and the challenges facing us in the 21st century. Of course, the biggest challenge, getting over his eight years in office." -- Jay Leno

"According to the New York Times, President Barack Obama plans to nominate Dr. Margaret A. Hamburg, a former New York City health commissioner to be the new head of the Food and Drug Administration. See, I think this is a chance for President Obama to step across party lines. You know who he should nominate for this job? Rush Limbaugh. No, no, think about it. Who has had more experience with food and drugs than Rush Limbaugh?" --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

That's like giving your money to a guy called 'Steve Criminal.' ($45 billion of our bailout dollars)

"There was a big rally on Wall Street yesterday after Citigroup reported a profit for the first two months of the year. That just goes to show you what determination, hard work, and $45 billion of our bailout dollars can do." -- Jay Leno

"They may have to put Madoff in a cell that separates him from the general population because this guy is really hated. He's like Osama bin Laden, O.J. Simpson and Rush Limbaugh rolled into one person." -- Craig Ferguson

"Madoff's victims thought they were making nice, safe investments. Now I'm certainly not blaming them, but maybe they should've been tipped off by the guy's name. 'Made-off.' That's like giving your money to a guy called 'Steve Criminal.'" -- Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Wasn't that nice? Reaching out to the middle class. I thought that was fantastic (It's called the death penalty)

"And Bernard Madoff, the man who operated the Ponzi scream that screwed $50 billion out of people is now saying he should be allowed to keep $62 million and his $7 million penthouse. Yeah. His lawyers are arguing he needs that money to live out the rest of his life. You know, I've got a solution for that, okay? It's called the death penalty." -- Jay Leno

"I have some exciting news, the Obama family is finally getting their dog! Yeah, they say they're getting a Portuguese Water Dog. And today, Rush Limbaugh said he hopes the dog fails!" -- Jay Leno

"Hey, did you see this on the news? I thought this was nice. Over the weekend in Washington, DC, First Lady Michelle Obama was at a homeless shelter serving food to the homeless. Wasn't that nice? Reaching out to the middle class. I thought that was fantastic." -- Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

How many republicans does it take to fix a problem? (Selling-Your-Blood-For-Money Saturday)

"The rest of the country might not know this: Today is Furlough Friday here in California. Furlough Friday, where 200,000 -- the state is so broke, 200,000 workers are asked to stay home without pay as a cash-saving measure. This is what I love about California: They make it sound like it's fun. Oh, Furlough Friday. What's the next big holiday, Selling-Your-Blood-For-Money Saturday?" --Jay Leno

"It looks like more than 13,000 people were caught up in that Bernard Madoff Ponzi scheme. You know what a Ponzi scheme is? That's where you throw good money after bad, or as the government calls it, a stimulus package. But very similar." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

they're thinking of changing the family name to something less offensive, like bin Laden (Sure. That's free)

"The New York Post is reporting that Bernard Madoff's family is so upset with his actions in this Ponzi scheme, they're thinking of changing the family name to something less offensive, like bin Laden." --Jay Leno

"This weekend, the Republican National Committee elected their first-ever African-American chairman. His name is Michael Steele, or as he's known in the Republican Party, 'the black guy.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Sen. John McCain is denying a rumor that his wife Cindy will be a contestant on the upcoming season of 'Dancing with the Stars.' When asked why, McCain said: 'Dance? Are you kidding? I've never even seen her blink.'" --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Detroit is still hard at work on an SUV that runs on rain forest trees and panda blood (Too obvious?)

"Earlier this week at the White House -- historic. Barack Obama met with all three living ex-presidents and one current brain-dead president." --Jay Leno

"The current national debt is estimated at over $10 trillion, which breaks down to about 35,000 dollars for every man, woman and child in the country. If you lay that much money end to end in $1 bills, most of it would be stolen by Bernie Madoff." --Seth Meyers

"Toyota's developing a miniature, environmentally-friendly car that is powered entirely by a rechargeable battery. Yeah. Meanwhile, Detroit is still hard at work on an SUV that runs on rain forest trees and panda blood." --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

The dean of the business school was Bernie Madoff

"The attorney general of New York is now suing Donald Trump for $40 million claiming that Trump University is a fraud. I guess he got suspicious when he realized the dean of the business school was Bernie Madoff." –Jay Leno



"Anybody ever studied at Donald Trump University? The attorney general says it's a fraudulent operation. Here's all I know. It's the only college where you can actually major in condo flipping." –David Letterman



"The United States has no choice but to attack Syria because Dictator Bashar al-Assad is killing his own people with chemical weapons. Before, he was just killing them with bullets. But if America cared about shooting people, we'd be invading Chicago." –Stephen Colbert