minus a few bucks for the Jeb Bush signature

At a rally last night in Vermont, Donald Trump refused to let anyone in that wasn't a Trump supporter, but several protesters got in anyway. So keep that in mind the next time you listen to the guy whose biggest campaign promise is keeping people from sneaking in. –Jimmy Fallon

An autograph expert said that Hillary Clinton's autograph is the most valuable of all the candidates. For instance, a Hillary Clinton-signed hat is worth about $1500 dollars, while a Jeb Bush-signed hat is worth...whatever the hat cost originally, minus a few bucks for the Jeb Bush signature. –Jimmy Fallon

The president of Mexico announced that the notorious drug lord El Chapo has been caught. So good news everybody — Mexico is completely safe again! –Jimmy Fallon

According to match.com there's a 60 percent increase in the new members that they have between Christmas and Valentine's Day. And, the single best time to sign up was yesterday at 3:00 p.m. — if you didn't sign up yesterday at exactly 3:00 p.m., you're probably going to die alone. –Jimmy Kimmel