While I have teamed up with alcoholism to give it a try (That’s adorable said cocaine)

December 2021

New York City will require all children over the age of 5 to show proof of vaccination before dining indoors or going to an entertainment venue, because if there’s one thing a 5 year old can do, it’s keep track of a small piece of paper. —Colin Jost

A new study finds that the regular use of marijuana may disrupt people’s sleep. That’s adorable said cocaine. —Colin Jost

It was reported that Sylvester Stallone will appear in a new TV series playing an Italian mob boss from Kansas City. In what is an absolute nightmare scenario for the Closed Captioning guy. —Colin Jost

Barefoot wine has teamed up with Oreos to create a line of red wine with hints of chocolate. While I have teamed up with alcoholism to give it a try. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry

 

If you need an I.D. to buy your groceries, you're an alcoholic (You lost, too. It just hasn't hit you yet)

Remember when Donald Trump said you need an I.D. card to buy groceries. If you need an I.D. to buy your groceries, you're an alcoholic. --Seth Meyers

Trump tried to describe the unbelievable way immigrants cross our border and he sounded like Google Maps after you drop your iPhone in the toilet. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

They have zero calories because you suck so hard on the straw you pass out (no one in Green Bay remembers answering that survey)

There’s a restaurant in New York that’s now serving hummus smoothies. They have zero calories because you suck so hard on the straw you pass out. --Jimmy Fallon

A new survey found that Green Bay, Wisconsin, is the drunkest city in the U.S. You can tell, cuz no one in Green Bay remembers answering that survey. --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Get in there and run the tax cut play! (World No Alcohol Day)

In a new interview, House Speaker Paul Ryan said he thinks President Trump’s heart is in the right place on race relations. Oh, sorry, I misread that — his heart is in the WHITE place. –Seth Meyers

Former California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger will speak at a rally tomorrow against gerrymandering. Admission is free, but I would still pay $1,000 just to hear him say “gerrymandering.” –Seth Meyers

Today was World No Alcohol Day. “Robitussin it is,” said Steve Bannon. –Seth Meyers

    

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

we’re officially up to season three of “The Sopranos” right now (climate schlimate)

It’s come out that several of Donald Trump’s businesses have ties to the Russian mafia. So, if you’re keeping track, we’re officially up to season three of “The Sopranos” right now. –Conan O’Brien

Yesterday, the House of Representatives voted to get rid of internet privacy rules. Members cast their vote, then immediately ran home to delete their browser histories. –Conan O’Brien

A new study reports that older women are doing more and more binge drinking. I asked my mom if that was true and she said, “I love you, man.” –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

JOKES: Dory couldn't be found because she was being detained at the airport

A group of inmates in California filmed a YouTube video from prison where they vowed to help El Chapo escape. El Chapo was excited to watch it, but then a 30-second ad popped up and he was like, "Ugh — forget it." –Jimmy Fallon

Tostitos is coming out with a limited-edition bag that actually doubles as a breathalyzer. Here's how it works: If you're breathing into a bag of Tostitos, you're probably drunk. –Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday Donald Trump spent the afternoon at the White House watching "Finding Dory" with his family. Apparently in this version Dory couldn't be found because she was being detained at the airport. –Conan O’Brien

JOKES: How did that get there? (getting religion on issues)

"I watched this speech. It is so infuriating the way Bush has a way of getting religion on issues that he has been resisting forever, and then he acts like he thought of it and we're the a-------. This government must stop spending money we don't have! He actually had the nerve to say, 'For the sake of the environment, we got to use less oil. Some dips--- has been dragging his feet on global warming around here. When I find out who's in that guy's body, I'm going to f--- him up.'" --Bill Maher

"I hope Americans learn one thing -- never again elected a black-out drinker. This is the guy who parks his car on the front lawn and says, 'How did that get there?'" --Bill Maher

I spent an hour last night rubbing Vick's Vap-o Rub on my parakeet (straight shooter)

"This bird flu is scary, you frightened by this? I spent an hour last night rubbing Vick's Vap-o Rub on my parakeet." --Jay Leno

"More bad news for President Bush, his approval rating now dropped again, now at 33%. I tell you, when he was at college his blood alcohol level was higher than that. I'll give you an idea of how bad Bush's approval rating is, today he got turned down by Di-Tech." --Jay Leno

"I'm surprised that Jessica Simpson is distancing herself from the president. I mean they have a lot in common: They're both from Texas, they're both under constant press scrutiny and they both have no clue about what's going on in Iraq." --Jay Leno

Hillary will be featured in “Bad Timing” magazine (chances are you’ve got a problem)

Hillary Clinton is featured in the upcoming issue of Women’s Health magazine. While next month she’ll be featured in “Bad Timing” magazine. –Jimmy Fallon

A new study finds that if you’re drunk around sober people, you’ll think you’re less drunk than if you’re around other drunk people. And if you’re drunk around sober people, chances are you’ve got a problem. –Jimmy Fallon

The White House has announced that America will accept 110,000 refugees next year. Meanwhile, Canada announced if Donald Trump wins, they’ll accept 110 million refugees. –Conan O’Brien

Unless, of course, God turns out to be a Mexican woman who's a Muslim

Two new government studies report that America's obesity problem is getting worse. Both studies came with a Happy Meal. –Conan O’Brien

In an interview, Donald Trump said he won't have to ask God for "much forgiveness." Unless, of course, God turns out to be a Mexican woman who's a Muslim. –Conan O’Brien

It's official now, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump have both clinched the nomination for their respective parties. Which means we could be looking at our first female president or our last president. –Seth Meyers

In a prepared speech last night, Donald Trump told supporters he is going to take care of our African-American people. Though, I don't think he should have added, "Once and for all." –Seth Meyers

An Oklahoma woman was arrested for attempting to have her kids blow into her car's breathalyzer so that she could drive drunk. Even worse, her kids failed. –Seth Meyers

ultimate dilemma for Republicans: gays with oil (Peruvian mistress strangler)

"GOP Congressman Don Sherwood of Pennsylvania was recently sued by his Peruvian mistress for allegedly beating and strangling her. Now Sherwood has admitted to having a mistress but denies beating and strangling her. Still, there's probably not a Republican that would be caught dead in the same room as that guy [on screen: President Bush speaking at a Sherwood event]. Oh. Apparently, the president believes his popularity still slightly lower than an alleged Peruvian mistress strangler." --Jon Stewart

"According to Google trends people in the world most likely to look up homosexual activity are in Saudi Arabia, which is the ultimate dilemma for Republicans: gays with oil -- what do we do now?" --Jay Leno

"Former Congressman Mark Foley has decided to remain in rehab even though his 30-day treatment ended last Tuesday. Apparently, phoney alcoholism is the trickiest kind of alcoholism to treat. It's hard to detect because it never existed." --Jay Leno