Well, finally a reason to live in New Jersey (So, it sounds like somebody had a hell of a weekend)

"Oh, and New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine has signed legislation

making marijuana legal, huh? Well, finally a reason to live in New

Jersey." –Jay Leno

"Jerry Sanders, the mayor of San Diego, said this week his views on gay marriage have evolved over time. He said he used to be against gay marriage, but now he's in favor of it. So, it sounds like somebody had a hell of a weekend." –Jay Leno

"The American Civil Liberties Union is defending America's favorite restroom enthusiast, Senator Larry Craig. 'Mr. Urinal,' they call him. Remember, he's the senator who got caught soliciting sex in the men's room at the Minneapolis airport. Well, now the ACLU said that sex in a public restroom is considered private if the door is closed. That's something to think about the next time you're putting that tissue liner around the toilet bowl." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wow, this Trump cologne REALLY WORKS/Let this radicalize you/it’s all about the journey, man!

The Women’s March in Washington was on Saturday, and it had three times as many people as Trump’s inauguration. When he was told there were hundreds of thousands of women outside the White House, Trump said, “Wow, this Trump cologne REALLY WORKS.” –Jimmy Fallon

Two guys in Minnesota were pulled over with almost 500 pounds of weed in their car. You could tell it was a lot, ’cuz even their GPS was like, “Forget about the destination – it’s all about the journey, man!” --Jimmy Fallon

According to the National Travel and Tourism Office, tourism is down in America since we elected President Trump. The U.S. tourism industry lost 40,000 jobs and $4.6 billion in revenue since the inauguration. I don’t know why people wouldn’t want to come here, we’re so welcoming to foreigners, starting right at the top. We don’t really need a wall. We already have Trump. Trump is his own wall, in a way. --Jimmy Kimmel

There were lots of protests in Switzerland. One person was holding a sign that said “Dump Trump.” But the president wasn’t mad – he said, “Haha, you spelled Donald wrong.”  --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In that part of the world he is known as Lawrence of Arrhythmia (Iraq the Musical)

"Congress repealed 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell'. The Pentagon can now start production on 'Iraq the Musical.'" –David Letterman

"I try to be level-headed when you have a problem like the Ebola outbreak. A couple of years ago there was what they call a pandemic. I called my doctor and I asked him what to do in the case of a pandemic. He said to make sure you sterilize your pan." –David Letterman

"We're now getting the sordid details with Eliot Spitzer, former governor. Apparently, when he was out whoring, during sex he would always wear his black socks. I know what you are thinking. Thanks, Dave, for searing that image in our brains. For me, the only thing I keep on is my hairpiece. Black socks? Well, for heaven's sakes, who does this guy think he is, Rosie O'Donnell?" --David Letterman

Vice President Dick Cheney also paid a surprise visit to Iraq. And Cheney is very popular in the Middle East. I mean, he flashes them that nice, warm sneer and they just go crazy. And in that part of the world he is known as Lawrence of Arrhythmia." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That’s like a Phish concert without rolling papers (It's like a septic tank saying, 'You need a mint.')

At Trump’s impeachment trial Democrats wanted to bring in

witnesses but the Republicans said No. A trial without

witnesses? That’s like a Phish concert without rolling

papers. —Bill Maher

"The NRA made an ad saying that Obama is elitist because his kids have armed guards. Yeah, that crazy Obama thinking his kids need special protection. I love the NRA accusing anyone of being paranoid. It's like a septic tank saying, 'You need a mint.'" –Bill Maher

Alan Dershowitz is one of the lawyers defending Trump at his impeachment trial. Dershowitz also defended Harvey Weinstein, O.J. Simpson and now Trump. Wow, think about that. Weinstein, O.J. and Trump. Flabby, Grabby and Stabby. —Bill Maher

"Dick Cheney said he felt terrible about shooting a 78-year-old man, but on the bright side, it did give him a great idea about how to fix Social Security." --Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

"That’s all we needed to hear," said Child Protective Services (But to be fair, it was Take Your Daughter to Work Day)

A new poll has found that 86% of Americans said that it’s important that the president be loyal to their spouse. Said Melania, “No, seriously, I’m good.” --Seth Meyers

Officials at a South Carolina zoo say an orangutan briefly escaped his enclosure on Monday, but then returned to his pen. Incidentally “the orangutan escaped his enclosure” is Secret Service code for when Trump shows up at a policy briefing. --Seth Meyers

A matador in Spain is under investigation after a video surfaced of him bullfighting while holding his 5-month-old baby girl in his arms. But to be fair, it was Take Your Daughter to Work Day. –Seth Meyers

That’s right. According to a new poll, 29% of people believe President Trump is a good role model for children. "That’s all we needed to hear," said Child Protective Services. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I really like the part where they passed me the basket of free money (I’m like, freakin’ out, man!)

Speaking of comebacks, a pretty big sports story here. WWE chairman Vince McMahon announced that he is bringing back his football league, the XFL. XFL fans were like, ‘What a day! ‘Murphy Brown’ and now this! I’m like, freakin’ out, man!” --Jimmy Fallon

We’re one week away from the Iowa caucuses and all the candidates are doing whatever they can to appeal to voters. Donald Trump even went to a church service in Iowa over the weekend. You can tell he doesn't go to church much because he was like, "I really like the part where they passed me the basket of free money." –Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump is willing to talk to Robert Mueller under oath. That will get off to a weird start when Trump is told “Raise your right hand” and he goes, “My right or your right?” --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

NBA 2K: Indiana Pacers vs Toronto Raptors (Dunks-Buzzer Beater)

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”