If I have an election that lasts longer than four hours, I call the doctor (another fake birth certificate)

"President Obama announced his re-election campaign, though it's not really a surprise. He did all the things that make it official: He filed the paperwork, redesigned his website, and printed another fake birth certificate." –Craig Ferguson

"Experts say this Presidential campaign will be the most expensive in history. A far cry from the very first re-election campaign back in 1792. When George Washington ran against a young Senator named John McCain." –Craig Ferguson

"As far as I'm concerned, the election starts with the first attack ad, which should appear in about 20 minutes." –Craig Ferguson

"I think elections should be quick. If I have an election that lasts longer than four hours, I call the doctor." –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

She's the prettiest thing to come out of Michigan since Mitt Romney (Oh boy, I didn't see that coming)

"The good news is that Hosni Mubarak may step down. The bad news is that he may be replaced by his idiot son Hosni W. Mubarak." –David Letterman

"In Egypt, 2 million people are in the streets all around Egypt demanding that Hosni Mubarak step down. It's the most-angry mob I've seen since the 'Fire Dave' rally last year." –David Letterman

"Now the Egyptian crowds who are protesting have turned against the United States. Oh boy, I didn't see that coming." –David Letterman

"Did you know what happened on Saturday? Miss America pageant. The winner, our new Miss America, her name is Kirsten Haglund. Congratulations to her. And she is from Michigan. And she's beautiful. She's the prettiest thing to come out of Michigan since Mitt Romney." --David Letterman

"Rumors are that the reason Dick Cheney didn't say anything about the hunting accident for about 24 hours was because he had been drinking. And I'm thinking, well jeez, he was probably drinking when we planned the invasion of Iraq." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

and I hope to God he knows what we mean by a "selfie." (don't book the deejay just yet)

Duchess Meghan Markle gave birth to a baby boy this morning, who is now seventh in line for the throne, which, if you ask me, is just unfair. Making a baby kill six people?  --Seth Meyers

According to Politico, former Vice President Joe Biden has been less touchy with voters on the campaign trail and is doing more selfies, and I hope to God he knows what we mean by a "selfie." --Seth Meyers

President Trump this weekend retweeted a post suggesting that he have two years added to his term in order to make up for the time taken up by the Russia investigation, and to make up for the time he's spent playing golf, he'll need at least an additional decade. --Seth Meyers

During an interview this weekend, former Defense Secretary Robert Gates was asked if he believes Joe Biden would be a good commander in chief and responded by pausing for several seconds and then saying, "I don't know." That is not a "yes." If you asked your girlfriend to marry you and she paused for several seconds and then said, "I don't know," you would not start booking a deejay. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It sounds like something I do with my ferrets every Sunday (I'm melting)

"Republicans won big on election day. They say their two big priorities are cutting taxes and reducing the debt. Which is sort of like wanting to lose weight and win 'Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Tea Party needs to pick a tougher name. 'Tea Party' sounds like something I do with my ferrets every Sunday." –Craig Ferguson

"Christine O'Donnell lost her election by 20 percent. In a brief concession speech, she said 'I'm melting.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Christine O'Donnell lost her election by 20 percent. She's planning to retire to her house in the country where she'll lure children with candy and gingerbread." –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I had Donald Trump going all the way to impeachment (empty couches and sexual harassment settlements)

The Russia investigation is finally over. As you know, special counsel Robert Mueller submitted his final report and concluded that Donald Trump and his campaign did not collude with Russia during the 2016 election. This completely wrecks my bracket. I had Donald Trump going all the way to impeachment. --James Corden

It’s never a good sign when after two years as president the whole world is shocked because you didn’t do something illegal. --James Corden

If you got rid of all the conspiracy theorists, propagandists and liars, Fox News would just be a bunch of empty couches and sexual harassment settlements. --Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”