One if by surf, two if by turf (Paper Jam)

Donald Trump’s now two-week-old war in Iran, well the president is maybe sort of threatening/teasing that he might put boots on the ground in Iran? But Republicans can’t seem to agree on whether they support that idea, or for how long, or why. The confusion comes from the top: Pete Hegseth, the defense secretary/morning show host/fifth-year senior who just found out that yeah, he’s gonna need to do a sixth year, who made a big deal about turning the defense department into “the department of war” and “refocusing on the core mission: war fighting”. And before we go any further: was there a problem with the term ‘warfare’? Did we need ‘war-fighting’? It’s just a weirder way to say the same thing. It’s like asking someone if they want to go out to dinner-eating. —Seth Meyers

Reports have surfaced that Pete Hegseth, the US defense secretary, spent $93 billion of US taxpayer money last year, including millions of dollars in September on luxury food items: $2 million on Alaskan king crab, $6.9 million on lobster tail, $140,000 on doughnuts, $124,000 on ice-cream machines, $26,000 on sushi preparation tables and $15.1 million on ribeye steak. They’re just hearkening back to our founders. As Paul Revere declared on his famous ride: ‘One if by surf, two if by turf.’ —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

jobs for people to be late to (Abraham LinkedIn)

A new report projects that by 2020 the legal marijuana industry will create more than a quarter of a million jobs for people to be late to. –Seth Meyers

President Obama posted on LinkedIn today about his first job scooping ice cream. He’s the first president to post on LinkedIn — other than, of course, Abraham LinkedIn. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

how dermatologists describe my skin tone (lemonade stands)

A five-year-old girl who ran a lemonade stand in London was fined $195 for not having the proper trading permit. See, this is why I make my kids open all their lemonade stands offshore on the Cayman Islands. –James Corden

An ice cream shop in Scotland has introduced a new flavor made with a very familiar ingredient. It's called Mayonnaise ice cream. Coincidentally, "Mayonnaise ice cream" is also how dermatologists describe my skin tone. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Does Trump go into hibernation for Black History Month? (the murder of my waistline)

Ben and Jerry from Ben & Jerry's ice cream got themselves into a

scoop of trouble yesterday at Capitol Hill protesting against

money and politics. The two were arrested — surprisingly, not for

the murder of my waistline. –Stephen Colbert

“The president has still refused to explain what progress was made

during the month of February. Does Trump go into hibernation for

Black History Month?” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You shall remain awake eternally (What Happened to You?)

The baby brand Frida is releasing a breast-milk-flavored ice cream. The flavor is called "What Happened to You?” —Michael Che

President Trump announced the tariff on all goods imported into the US, saying that the US has been plundered and raped by other countries, and Trump will not stand for plundering. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Get them before they get you (2% Cherokee)

The genetic testing company 23andMe says it is bankrupt and, also, 2% Cherokee. —Colin Jost

Three teenage girls in Texas tried to stab their mother to death after she turned off the Wi-Fi. This story is brought to you by Plan B. Get them before they get you. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You know, like when he plays basketball (it's also how dermatologists describe my skin tone)

Apparently, LeBron James’ talk show is going to be him and four random guests you may or may not have heard of. You know, like when he plays basketball. --James Corden

An ice cream shop in Scotland has introduced a new flavor made with a very familiar ingredient. It's called Mayonnaise ice cream. Coincidentally, "Mayonnaise ice cream" is also how dermatologists describe my skin tone. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth                                         

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

a four-letter word for enclosure (it’s called vanilla)

A 91-year-old woman in Germany is under investigation for destruction of property after she tried filling in words on a crossword puzzle on display at an art museum. If charged, the woman could face time in a four-letter word for enclosure. –Seth Meyers

“I’m a little upset. Why don’t I have his own Ben & Jerry’s flavor? Jimmy Fallon has (The Tonight Dough) and Stephen Colbert has (Stephen Colbert’s AmeriCone Dream.) But you can’t just ban Ben & Jerry’s because you don’t like their opinions. I mean, I still eat it, even though I’m annoyed they haven’t given us our own flavor yet. It would be called ‘A Closer Lick,’ and we’ve already mocked up what the container would look like. I sent it to them, and I’ve called their offices and left dozens of messages, and all that happened was one of their interns called me and said, ‘We already have a flavor named after you — it’s called vanilla.’” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Marie Antoinette Ten Year Challenge (how dermatologists describe my skin tone)

The big news over the weekend is that Beyoncé’s twins are here! Beyoncé’s father announced on Twitter that she gave birth last week to two healthy twins weighing in at 6 pounds, 7 “oncés.” –James Corden

An ice cream shop in Scotland has introduced a new flavor made with a very familiar ingredient. It's called Mayonnaise ice cream. Coincidentally, "Mayonnaise ice cream" is also how dermatologists describe my skin tone. --James Corden

Speaking of the World Cup, a company has created a pair of women's underwear specially designed for the tournament that vibrate whenever a goal is scored. They're fun during the World Cup, but back home in America, if you're thinking of wearing them while watching basketball, don't. You will pass out. --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I mean if anybody should be getting minimum wage, it's Congress (Well, how come I still can't find it?)

 

"Congress gave itself a big raise this week and voted against the minimum wage, which is kind of ironic. I mean if anybody should be getting minimum wage, it's Congress." --Jay Leno

Mike Huckabee's campaign is starting to taper off a little bit. Like for the big rallies, Chuck Norris just sends his stunt double." --Jay Leno

 

"And the Pentagon is now planning to shoot down a broken satellite that's falling to Earth. The satellite is the size of a school bus, and they want to blow it up before it hits us. Yeah. In fact the actual plan, they're going to have Roger Clemens throw a second school bus at it." --Jay Leno

"Well, a lot of people are saying Governor Sarah Palin really put Alaska on the map. To which President Bush said, 'Really? Well, how come I still can't find it?'" --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”