He is also worried he doesn’t have time to learn the language (Man, even I’m not that insecure)

It’s been reported that President Trump is so worried about protests that he is postponing his upcoming trip to England. Trump is also worried he doesn’t have time to learn the language. –Conan O’Brien

President Trump held a Cabinet meeting today in which each Cabinet member took turns praising the president. After hearing this, Kim Jong Un said, “Man, even I’m not that insecure.” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I knew if we waited long enough, we'd eventually find some dirt on that guy (Steer clear of Splash Mountain)

"A woman claiming to be Hitler's maid said that he pretended to adhere to a healthy diet but actually had an insatiable sweet tooth. I knew if we waited long enough, we'd eventually find some dirt on that guy." –Seth Meyers

Entrepreneurs in Brazil are building a new theme park called “ErotikaLand” and it will feature rides and attractions based around sexuality. Just a word of warning: Steer clear of Splash Mountain. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Unfortunately, they had to spend it all on hospital bills after taking the outfits off (food stamps myths)

A teen couple has won over $20,000 in scholarship money for making their prom outfits. They made their prom outfits entirely from duct tape. Unfortunately, they had to spend it all on hospital bills after taking the outfits off. –Seth Meyers

Alaska Airlines apologized today to a gay couple after asking one of them to move so that a straight couple could sit together. Meanwhile Spirit Airlines apologized for quote, “All of it.” --Seth Meyers

A new book by Dr. Seuss came out today called "What Pet Should I get." He was inspired to write it when his wife said, “I want a baby.” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Luckily the Bush administration isn't using the Constitution anymore (Rocket Man)

 

"In an interview, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said that one of her all-time favorite songs is 'Rocket Man' by Elton John.  She said the song reminds of her first boyfriend in college. 'Rocket Man'? So either he's very fast or very gay." --Jay Leno

"A lot of political gossip out there. Looks like there's problems in the Democratic ranks. It seems tensions between Hillary Clinton and Senate Democratic Leader Harry Reid are reportedly so high that it's almost like Hillary is married to him." --Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney is still getting a lot of flack for throwing that first pitch into the dirt [at the Washington Nationals home opener] -- whereas when President Bush threw out the first pitch in Cincinnati last week, it was a perfect strike. Then on the other hand, Cheney can read." --Jay Leno

 

"Heavy rains caused so much flooding in Washington, D.C. today that they had to close down the National Archives where they keep the Constitution. They had to close it down. Luckily the Bush administration isn't using the Constitution anymore." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

everybody talks about it, but nobody actually experiences it (just hire the Texas A&M marching band)

November 2021

“Experts are hoping that the new strain of Covid,  Omicron ends up being like the second season of ‘Tiger King’ where everybody talks about it, but nobody actually experiences it.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Yeah, we need another variant like we another turkey sandwich for lunch.” —Jimmy Fallon

“But the White House said it would take two weeks to have definitive data on the new strain. That’s right, even our Covid information has shipping delays. Unbelievable!” —Jimmy Fallon

“Due to concern over delivery times, many holiday shoppers are stockpiling their favorite gifts. That’s why really smart shoppers don’t wait till Black Friday – they start trampling people weeks ago. One survey found that 20% of shoppers plan to order more gifts in case some orders are delayed or canceled. So if you’re doing the 12 days of Christmas, be safe and double your order. That’s 16 maids a-milking, that’s 20 lords a-leaping, and forget about 12 drummers drumming – just hire the Texas A&M marching band.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

When he has weird sex his safe word is speak up (I don't have a joke for that and I don't need one)

Today Trump’s selection for Director of National Intelligence, kind of an important job, he withdrew his name. Even Republicans were like this guy's awful. They found out he was an idiot, a partisan hack, and a compulsive liar. So he's staying in Congress where he belongs. --Bill Maher

I mean Joe Biden is getting on in years, and at the end of the debate when the candidates all try to you know, get people to contribute to their campaign, Joe invited people to visit his phone number. I don't have a joke for that and I don't need one. --Bill Maher

Joe Biden is getting on in years, come on. When he has weird sex his safe word is speak up. --Bill Maher

It's a bullish market. Lobbyists who used to just lease a congressman are now buying. --Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

NBC just told me I can't use a hair dryer for the next month (Trump asked Rosie O'Donnell if she wanted to get lunch)

Last night was the Christmas tree lighting in Rockefeller Center. Did you see that? It was beautiful. And this year's tree has over 50,000 lights, which explains why NBC just told me I can't use a hair dryer for the next month. --Jimmy Fallon

It's big news. Michael Cohen was one of Trump's closest allies, and now he's working with Robert Mueller. I'm not saying Trump's running out of friends, but he today he asked Rosie O'Donnell if she wanted to get lunch. --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

White lies

"The Republicans are saying this is the worst presidential lie ever. Yes, Bush lied about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq and got thousands of people killed and said the war would pay for itself, but remember people, those were white lies." –Bill Maher on President Obama's promise that all Americans who like their health insurance plans would be able to keep them



"Today 47 million of the poorest Americans had their food stamp benefits way reduced. This is the same day we launched our new stealth destroyer, the $3 billion USS Zumwalt. This is a ship that is nearly invisible, unlike the poor, who are completely invisible. I say if we're going to make ships that are invisible, why build them at all? Why not just tell the Iranians they're there?" –Bill Maher



"New Rule: Before the Wall Street Journal publishes another editorial by health care ‘expert’ Suzanne Somers claiming Obamacare is a socialist Ponzi scheme, they have to find one person who actually lost weight using a Thighmaster. She sells a metal spring for thirty bucks and Obamacare’s a scam?" –Bill Maher

Drug tests for food stamp recipients

"Under the bill they voted for, states now have to require food stamp recipients to be drug-tested and work at least 20 hours a week – the same thing I was going to suggest for congressional Republicans." –Bill Maher



"The video game Grand Theft Auto 5 made 800 million dollars in one day. People say Americans can't export on values anymore, this proves we can. Unfortunately, our values are car theft and mass shootings." –Bill Maher



"New Rule: If House Republicans succeed in cutting $40 billion from the Food Stamp program, Congressman James Sensenbrenner has to go to a food bank and donate at least two of his chins." –Bill Maher