“There’s a fine dining establishment in Virginia, a very fancy restaurant called The Inn at Little Washington that has a plan for reopening. You know, social distancing will probably mean a lot of empty tables, which isn’t great ambience wise, so the owner of this restaurant is putting mannequins in the empty seats to make it feel full. For real — it’s like a whole restaurant full of Jared Kushners.” —Jimmy Kimmel
“If eating in a half empty restaurant makes you uncomfortable, now you have the option of eating in the final scene of a horror movie, much more relaxing. Also, how bad would you feel if you’re eating alone and then you look over and you see that even the guy made out of plastic was able to get a date?” —Trevor Noah
“The international drug trade has also collapsed on several levels, from supply to manufacturing, and in its place, several former drug networks have become supply chains for families in need, at least according to news from my native South Africa, where gang members were delivering food to families in need. I don’t know, man – these gangs might want to be careful delivering groceries and hand sanitizer, ’cause that’s Amazon’s turf. You guys think you’re tough? Wait until you meet Jeff Bezos. A month from now, the Sinaloa cartel is gonna be the Sinaloa Amazon fulfillment center – and there’s no benefits!” —Trevor Noah
“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic.
A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”
