Art thou up?

A motel owner in Colorado revealed that he spent 29 years watching his customers have sex. He finally stopped when he got cable. –Conan O’Brien

There's a new app that turns your texts into lines from Shakespeare. The most popular one used for booty calls is, "Art thou up?" –Conan O’Brien

The IRS has introduced new technology allowing you to pay your taxes at a 7-Eleven. So just imagine: You can now declare your earnings from 2015 while eating a hot dog from 2005. –Conan O’Brien

The New York primary is fast approaching and Ted Cruz today stopped in Brooklyn to tour a matzah bakery. But he still didn't see as many crackers as Donald Trump does at his rallies. –Seth Meyers

While campaigning in New York today, Hillary Clinton rode the subway and had to swipe her metro card five times before getting through a turnstile. Though if you know Hillary Clinton, you know she'll keep trying until she gets in. –Seth Meyers