There's not an eighth grader in the world who would convict you, sir.

"Muslims all over the Middle East are rioting in the streets. These are one billion of the touchiest people I have ever seen on my TV. The latest target of their rage, of course, is Pope Benedict XVI. Last Tuesday, the Pope gave a speech and quoted 14th century Byzantine emperor Manuel Paleologos II, who said that everything introduced by Islam is 'evil and inhuman.' Well I say, don't back down your Holy Pope 'cause it's true -- what did they give us? Optics, hydraulic engineering, algebra. There's not an eighth grader in the world who would convict you, sir." --Stephen Colbert

"This is weird. The state of Texas has put webcams on the Mexican border so people can sit at their home computers and look for illegal aliens trying to cross into the U.S. The website is free, but it costs $5 if you want the illegal aliens to talk dirty to you." --Conan O'Brien

  

"The man who founded the Hooters restaurant chain has passed away at the age of 69. In honor of his passing, former President Bill Clinton flew his pants at half mass." --Jay Leno