It's kind of like the Bush White House, but with more oil (Options. Just sayin')

"The Chinese president, President Hu, visited the White

House. He received a 21-gun salute although Cheney

said it was just an accident." --Jay Leno

 

"The latest in Iraq: the government has ceased to

function. It's kind of like the Bush White House,

but with more oil." --Jay Leno

 

"But not all the generals are against him. He still has

the support of a lot of generals: General Electric,

General Dynamics, General Motors." --Jay Leno,

on generals calling for Donald Rumsfeld's resignation

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That’s why everyone in Holland is dead (Dragons did some stuff. The End)

It’s been a great week for everybody, especially Donald Trump. I meant to say horrible week, because the democrats in congress have demanded his tax returns, his financial records and the full Mueller Report. To embarrass him next, they’re going to ask him what his children’s birthdays are. --Stephen Colbert

During a recent speech President Trump claimed that windmills cause cancer. Of course they do. That’s why everyone in Holland is dead. --Stephen Colbert

Trump’s Attorney General William Barr summarized the 400 page Mueller Report in just three and a half pages. It’s like tuning in to see the new season of Game of Thrones and it’s just Barr holding a sign that says, “Dragons did some stuff. The End.” --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

In 1672, a mob of angry Dutch killed and ate their Prime Minister (I was wearing Speedos, of course)

"Over the weekend, there were huge marches to protest Arizona's new immigration law. If you don't know, Arizona's new law says police have to ask anyone for immigration papers if reasonable suspicion can be found that they're in the country illegally. But what's reasonable suspicion? One Arizona lawmaker said, 'Illegal immigrants are easy to spot because of their clothes.' Really? I know it was obvious with me when I got off the plane because I was wearing Speedos, of course." –Craig Ferguson

"Happy Cinco de Mayo. If you don't know what that means, maybe you're a little out of touch — or maybe you're the governor of Arizona." –Craig Ferguson

"A lot of the U.S. used to be part of Mexico, including Arizona. But they're a bit touchy about that right now." –Craig Ferguson

"I don't drink anymore for Cinco de Mayo. I celebrate with Mexican food, or as it's known in Mexico: 'food.'" –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

You know it’s bad when people are going into the airplane bathroom for some fresh air (I had a robot make me a frozen burrito last night)

A new restaurant has opened in Boston where all the food is cooked by robots. The restaurant was started by a group of engineers from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. A robot that can cook a meal. Is this a new thing? Isn't this just a microwave? I’m pretty sure I had a robot make me a frozen burrito last night. --James Corden

It’s a little different than having a human cooking staff. Instead of finding a hair in your food, you'll find a USB cable. --James Corden

A plane in Holland was forced to make an emergency landing after a passenger’s body odor was so bad that it caused others to vomit and faint. You know it’s bad when people are going into the airplane bathroom for some fresh air. --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Sound it out, Betsy. You can do it (Dutch mobs and cannibalism)

Yesterday was Easter and April Fool's. Which makes sense because Easter was the day when Jesus came back and was like, "April fool's!" --Jimmy Fallon

This morning, the White House hosted their annual Easter Egg Roll. When President Trump first heard there were a bunch of bunnies on the front lawn, he told his lawyer to pay them off. --Jimmy Fallon

At the same event, Education Secretary Betsy DeVos read a book to a group of little kids. It was a sweet moment when one of the kids said, "Sound it out, Betsy. You can do it." --Jimmy Fallon

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

JOKES: Cool story for her, not so much for the victims of her double homicide

President Trump gave his first address to a joint session of Congress tonight. Now, our show tapes early, so we don’t know what happened, but I’ll bet the people who were there aren’t that sure what happened either. –Seth Meyers

During his interview on “Fox & Friends,” President Trump was unable to name a time when he felt he deserved criticism. Which is pretty surprising, since criticism is the only thing in his life he’s actually earned. –Seth Meyers

A 100-year-old Dutch woman recently persuaded local police to arrest her to fulfill an item on her bucket list. Cool story for her, not so much for the victims of her double homicide. –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

Imagine how elderly Nazis feel

"Argentina beat Holland in the World Cup semifinals yesterday and now Argentina will face Germany in the World Cup Finals. Argentina versus Germany. And if you don't know who to root for, imagine how elderly Nazis feel." –Seth Meyers



"North Korea is negotiating to broadcast the Teletubbies. They have to make changes for North Korean TV. For starters, every episode will end with one of the Teletubbies being executed." –Craig Ferguson

"Yesterday was the big World Cup final between Germany and Argentina. And if you caught only the last couple of minutes of the game, don't worry – you saw the whole thing." –Jimmy Fallon