So what are you in hell for? (How dumb is you?)

While most eyes have been trained on Donald Trump’s criminal hush-money trial in New York, we are looking at America’s other major political corruption trial: that of the New Jersey senator Robert Menendez.

The 70-year-old senator faces 16 counts of federal bribery charges for allegedly conspiring with his wife, Nadine, to accept bribes from wealthy businessmen in exchange for political favors to help the governments of Qatar and Egypt. The prosecution’s evidence recovered from Menendez’s house includes boots stuffed with cash, gold bars, a Mercedes-Benz convertible, furniture, exercise equipment and cash found in the lining of the senator’s embroidered congressional jacket.

Upon returning from a trip to Egypt, Menendez also Googled “how much is one kilo of gold worth?” Menendez has proclaimed innocence. According to the New York Times, he said his cash habit was the result of “traumatic” family history. [As Menendez] “They are simply my emotional support gold bars? Whenever I’m not with them, I get anxious. We respond to trauma in different ways.”

But perhaps the dumbest thing about this entire, not-quite-believable Real Housewives episode is how unnecessary it all is. You, sir, are an elected official in America’s most respected legislative body. It’s like a license to print money. You don’t need to break the law so cartoonishly when the legal corruption in the Senate is so fucking lucrative. The trial occasioned a new Daily Show segment: “Senator Robert Menendez, how dumb is you?”

As Stewart explained: “Promising favors to foreign entities for a little chump change on the side? It’s bush league when as a US senator you can enrich yourself in so many different, let’s call them ‘legal’, ways.” The host let Menendez in on the workings of insider trading, writing laws that benefit a side business, “like the way Senator Chuck Grassley netted $370,000 in farm subsidies” and leadership PACs that essentially operate as lobbyist slush funds. “A pharma lobbyist cannot buy a senator a panini and some NyQuil,” he said, “but through the Pac, they can pay for five-star hotels for Senator Kristen Gillibrand, luxury resorts for Ted Cruz and even golf lessons for Rand Paul.

“At every turn, our Congress and our courts have been given a choice: be less corrupt, or redefine what constitutes corruption and get on with your bad selves,” Stewart added. “Robert Menendez’s gold bars in exchange for favorable legislation is obviously cartoonishly corrupt, but for anyone out there who thinks the status quo of government patronage and influence is of an entirely different species than Menendez … how dumb is you?” —Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Russia was in my cereal this morning (gift baskets)

This is pretty cool. Scientists have built a 6'10" robot that can hit perfect three-pointers. Unfortunately, rival scientists built a 6'11" robot that can say, "Not in my house." --Jimmy Fallon

President Trump has been keeping busy. He just met with the leaders of Latvia, Estonia, and Lithuania. And until that meeting, Trump thought Latvia, Estonia, and Lithuania were cast members on "Real Housewives." [imitates Trump] "Do you know Melania?" --Jimmy Fallon

Amazon Prime just unveiled new buttons you can press to order Doritos, Red Bull, and Trojan condoms. Or as that's called in New Jersey, “A gift basket.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Oh, so you LIKE protests now? (Both major parties need to go)

Some people are upset with Nike over the new campaign, and are even destroying their Nike gear in protest. Then Colin Kaepernick was like, "Oh, so you LIKE protests now?" --Jimmy Fallon

The NFL season kicked off tonight with a game between the Atlanta Falcons and the Philadelphia Eagles. And it's perfect timing for the Eagles' fans. 'Cause they just sobered up from the Super Bowl. --Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump has been keeping busy. He just met with the leaders of Latvia, Estonia, and Lithuania. And until that meeting, Trump thought Latvia, Estonia, and Lithuania were cast members on "Real Housewives." [imitates Trump] "Do you know Melania?" --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Do you really want a priest showing up for the last rites with a date? (You mean like...)

"Mitt Romney has asked Todd Akin to step down. That's too bad. Todd Akin was the guy to lead the Republican Party into the 16th century." –David Letterman

"Rick Perry, what a good-looking guy he is. As a requirement for being a Republican candidate for president, you have to look good in a mugshot. I hope this doesn't ruin his chances of being our next dumb president from Texas." –David Letterman

"People love the new Pope, but I think it's safe to say he's gone crazy. Now he's thinking about doing away with celibacy for priests. Are you like me? Are you thinking 'Real Housewives of the Vatican?' I don't know if this is a good idea or not. Do you really want a priest showing up for the last rites with a date?" –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Walmart announced that they’re planning to open a second checkout lane (American Exceptionalism)

President Trump said today that he is “working very, very hard” to create peace between Israel and Palestine. Said Trump, “They are absolutely my two favorite Real Housewives.” –Seth Meyers

 According to a new report, Amazon is now worth twice as much as Walmart. In response, Walmart announced that they’re planning to open a second checkout lane. –Seth Meyers

A New Jersey man recently admitted to stealing $20,000 worth of ginger ale from a grocery store. He said he wasn’t planning on stealing so much, he just got Schwepped up in it. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Scientists found they have evidence that human beings had sex with Neanderthals (snake charmers)

"Scientists found they have evidence that human beings had sex with Neanderthals. Apparently the evidence is any episode of the 'Real Housewives of New Jersey.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Kenny G caused a controversy. I never get to say that. He tweeted his support of the Hong Kong protesters. Now China's communist government is mad at him. China has threatened to pull Kenny G's music out of all of their elevators." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, former President George W. Bush made his debut as a motivational speaker. Afterwards, Bush said, 'The crowd was so motivated, many of them left halfway through.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Former President George W. Bush is busy. That's right. He's going to India tomorrow to give a speech. Yep. The speech will be entitled, 'Hey, which of you snake charmers is going to fix my computer?'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Sex-starved husband gets killed by space junk while he’s on the way to join the Taliban (Drake’s album cover)

September 2021

“Climate change affects unexpected little things — slowing sea turtle reproduction, dampening the human sex drive and affecting the taste of coffee, wine and beer. A lot of weird little effects that when you add them all together ends up being basically everything. You know, my one hope is this is the news that finally gets people to take drastic action. Because if anything is going to motivate people, it is going to be the end of sex.” —Trevor Noah

“The climate crisis is also set to affect the quality of coffee beans as well as the natural ingredients of beer and wine. The Real Housewives are already fighting each other at current wine levels. You raise that any higher and that show’s gonna have to move to UFC.” —Trevor Noah

“Increased heat also dampens sex drive which leads to maybe 100,000 fewer births a year. It also means we are getting angrier and more violent which could result in 20-50,000 more violent crimes a year. A future of no sex and tons of violence so basically Drake’s album cover but no one is pregnant and everyone is punching each other.” —Trevor Noah

“Afghanistan is the sixth most affected country when it comes to how food can be transformed by climate change, which helped the Taliban take over recently. This really shows how desperate climate change can make people. Finally, it also affects objects in space. Everything above us will stick around longer, like debris, leading to a higher chance that they will collide with Earth. We could be facing a future where your sex-starved husband gets killed by space junk while he’s on the way to join the Taliban.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The Jets are going all the way this year (The People Don't Know Their True Power)

November 2020

“President Trump’s legal team disavowed the lawyer Sidney Powell on Sunday after she cited wild conspiracy theories to back her claims that the election had been rigged. Yeah, she got kicked off Trump’s legal team for being too crazy. That’s like getting kicked off of ‘Real Housewives’ for being too crazy.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Seriously, you know how nuts you have to be when Rudy Giuliani’s head starts leaking and you’re the one who gets fired?” —Jimmy Fallon

“For anyone asking what’s more embarrassing than being on the Trump legal team, the answer is getting fired from the Trump legal team.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Yep, her conspiracy theories were too much even for Trump. Well, today she wrote a farewell email. It said: ‘My fellow Trump lawyers, well, it finally happened — the illuminati got me fired. Luckily, you’ll still find the culprits who hacked the election: Hugo Chávez, Charles Barkley and Flo the Progressive Insurance lady. They’re in a bunker nine miles below before the Times Square Bubba Gump’s Shrimp. The password to enter is “Elvis is alive and he lives at Area 51.” Hail Zoltar! Sidney. P.S. Jets are going all the way this year.’” —Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

we NEVER get tired of drama (But speaking of coffins...)

Rudy Giuliani told CNN the Russia investigation could help Republicans in the midterms because Americans are getting tired of all the drama. Then America was like, “We’ve had 62 seasons of ‘Real Housewives’ — we NEVER get tired of drama.” --Jimmy Fallon

Some people think all of Giuliani’s interviews are meant to distract and confuse people about the real issues. Even Trump was like, “It’s working — I have absolutely NO IDEA what’s going on.” --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

She can describe the president’s genitalia in great detail (PLEASE give her some more hush money)

A lawyer for Stormy Daniels went on Megyn Kelly’s show today and said, “She can describe the president’s genitalia in great detail.” Then Americans were like, “PLEASE give her some more hush money.” --Jimmy Fallon

Trump has been keeping busy. He just met with the leaders of Latvia, Estonia, and Lithuania. And until that meeting, Trump thought Latvia, Estonia, and Lithuania were cast members on "Real Housewives." [imitates Trump] "Do you know Melania?" --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.

it’s actually the safest place to be when you fly United (Speak & Spell)

President Trump did not post on Twitter during James Comey’s Senate testimony today. Well, he thought he did, but his aide switched his phone with a Speak & Spell. –Seth Meyers

Producers have announced that they are suspending production of “The Real Housewives of Toronto.” Apparently, the show didn’t work because every argument ended with, “You know what? You’re right. I’m sorry.” –Seth Meyers

An 88-year-old woman has set a new record for oldest female to stand on the wing of a flying plane. It sounds dangerous, but it’s actually the safest place to be when you fly United. –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

SOMEONE wants to be Donald Trump’s secretary of state (flying shoes)

Hillary Clinton has vowed to crack down on hackers who launch cyberattacks. She said, “If anyone’s going to abuse U.S. government computers, it’s gonna be me.” –Conan O’Brien

Yesterday, Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson was giving a television interview and was unable to name a single foreign leader. Hmmm… sounds like SOMEONE wants to be Donald Trump’s secretary of state. –Conan O’Brien

A woman in Virginia got nearly 600 calls after C-SPAN accidentally posted her number on the air. In response, the head of C-SPAN said, “Wait, we have 600 viewers?” –Conan O’Brien

This week, the FDA approved the first artificial pancreas. When they heard, all the “Real Housewives” said, “I don’t care what it does — if it’s fake I want it in me.” –Conan O’Brien