Happy St Patrick's Day! What a spectacle in Times Square. Crews spent the afternoon dying all the urine green. —Greg Gutfeld
On Saturday Donald Trump was hit in the face by a reporter's microphone while speaking. Now he knows how Stormy Daniels felt. —Greg Gutfeld
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
A woman in Wisconsin was arrested over the weekend after allegedly handing out marijuana cookies at a St. Patrick's Day parade. Police became suspicious when nobody got into a fistfight. --Seth Meyers
President Trump today met with the crown prince of Saudi Arabia at the White House. The prince asked for Trump's help fighting terrorism, and Trump asked for three wishes. --Seth Meyers
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
"This week Pope Francis is celebrating his first anniversary as Pope, and he tweeted to his 3.7 million followers 'Please pray for me.' I was a little surprised that he hashtagged it, 'so hung over.'" –Seth Meyers
A woman in Wisconsin was arrested over the weekend after allegedly handing out marijuana cookies at a St. Patrick's Day parade. Police became suspicious when nobody got into a fistfight. --Seth Meyers
According to a new poll, 55% of Americans are in favor of abolishing the electoral college, but unfortunately, because of the electoral college, 55% is less than half. --Seth Meyers
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
"What a week this has been. If you watched last night, I guess you know, Barack Obama got beat up by a girl. In her speech last night, Sarah Palin mocked Obama for giving speeches in front of adoring crowds and standing in front of a stage backdrop. Ironically, Palin did so in front of an adoring crowd standing in front of a stage backdrop." --Jay Leno
"President Bush has picked FOX newsman Tony Snow to be his press secretary. Snow once said that President Bush was an embarrassment, a leader who has lost control of the federal budget, and the architect of a listless domestic policy. Good thing for Snow Bush doesn't read the newspapers." --Jay Leno
"Things did not go well at the White House St. Patrick's Day party. Did you hear what happened? Dick Cheney shot a leprechaun." --Jay Leno
President Bush's approval rating has reached a record low -- 31%. Wow. His popularity is so low now, on his Facebook page, he only has imaginary friends." --Jay Leno
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
"The payroll tax extension passed the House and Senate by unanimous consent. This was a procedural move allowing it to pass, even though most members of congress were already home for the holidays. They weren't even there! Only 12 people out of 535 were there and they got it done. Imagine how much they could do if we got rid of all of them?" –Jay Leno
"Let's see what's happening with George Dubai -- I mean W. Bush. President Bush now says he didn't know about the Dubai port deal until after it was approved. Apparently this is part of the White House's 'Don't ask him, Don't tell him' policy." --Jay Leno
"Yesterday in New York City, Donald Trump officially changed his political affiliation from Republican to Independent. And Donald's hair has switched from pelt to carpet sample." –Jay Leno
"Things did not go well at the White House St. Patrick's Day party. Did you hear what happened? Dick Cheney shot a leprechaun." --Jay Leno
http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
"Fifty percent of Americans think Donald Trump would make a terrible president. The other 50 percent think he would make an awful president." –David Letterman
"Former President Bill Clinton is telling people that his gut is saying that America is ready for a woman president. And I would say to President Clinton that's not your gut talking." –David Letterman
"The Bush Presidential Library is beautiful, and they have a huge section devoted to weapons of mass destruction, but nobody can find it." –David Letterman
"Anybody here for the marathon this Sunday in New York City, the annual marathon. What a tremendous event, like 40,000 runners. And you know they have to have about 400 portable toilets along the route of the marathon. You know what portable toilets are, as Larry Craig told us, they're singles bars." --David Letterman
"They were celebrating St. Patrick's Day down in Washington and, of course, President Bush was so confused. He comes out on the White House lawn and pardons the corned beef. " --David Letterman
http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
Rachel Maddow aired an exclusive report last night uncovering a portion of President Trump’s 2005 tax return. Specifically the part where he claimed Ivanka and Donald Jr. as dependents and tried to write off Eric as a loss. –Seth Meyers
Well, congratulations to everyone who had Rex Tillerson in their office pool. President Trump has fired Rex Tillerson, his secretary of state, which I think means the only remaining White House staffers are Mike Pence and a Roomba. --Seth Meyers
A woman in Wisconsin was arrested over the weekend after allegedly handing out marijuana cookies at a St. Patrick's Day parade. Police became suspicious when nobody got into a fistfight. --Seth Meyers
According to a new poll, 55% of Americans are in favor of abolishing the electoral college, but unfortunately, because of the electoral college, 55% is less than half. --Seth Meyers
That's right. 89 years ago today, Colonel Sanders founded fast-food chain KFC. And boy, was Trump pissed when he found out he still had to come to work today. Meyers as Trump, "It's a holiday!" --Seth Meyers
http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
I'm a little concerned about the timing. Is it wise to lift restrictions on public drinking and urination the week before St. Patrick's Day? To all my viewers in New York, please seek high ground and start piling sand bags. –Stephen Colbert
In Philadelphia, a real estate investor says a home he was scoping out came with an unadvertised surprise. A stairway booby-trapped with a swinging knife. To be fair, the real estate listing did say, “Open House Today: You Will Be Murdered.” --Stephen Colbert
Yesterday, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan went on “Face the Dickerson” to get ahead of the CBO report: “The one thing I am certain will happen is CBO will say, ‘Well, gosh, not as many people will get coverage.’” Well, gosh, not as many people will get coverage, and gee willikers, I need chemo, and cheese and crackers, I can’t afford to go to the doctor, and holy Toledo, I should’ve identified my next of kin, because fiddlesticks, I’m dead!” Doesn’t sound so bad when it’s folksy. Gosh. Golly! –Stephen Colbert
Last week Michael Cohen told congress that Trump ordered him to threaten his high school to never release his grades. What could he possibly be hiding? We all assume he failed everything. --Stephen Colbert
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
"In Vatican Square the Pope comes out and he has kids release doves of peace. And then some sort of angry bird of prey swooped down and killed the doves. On the Vatican press release, all they said was ‘Bummer.’" –David Letterman
"The president’s State of the Union address was tonight. And just three weeks after the ‘Bridge-gate’ scandal, the mayor of Fort Lee, New Jersey, was invited to attend the speech. When he heard that, Chris Christie said, ‘Good luck getting there.’" –Jimmy Fallon
"During a speech yesterday, Hillary Clinton said she still doesn’t know if she’s running for president in 2016. You know, just like I still ‘don’t know’ if I’ll have a beer on St. Patrick’s Day." –Jimmy Fallon
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html
#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry
"Are you folks excited about St. Patrick's Day? It's the day I tell Irish jokes written by Jewish writers." –David Letterman
"We have a new Pope. His name is Jorge Mario Bergoglio. I think I have his spaghetti sauce." –David Letterman
"Tomorrow night at the Vatican is Pope Francis Bobblehead Night." –David Letterman
"Today there was more smoke from the chimney at the Sistine Chapel. They were just burning some pizza boxes." –David Letterman
"Julius Caesar was assassinated on the Ides of March. He was stabbed in the back by someone he thought was his friend. It was like he worked in show business." –Craig Ferguson
"Julius Caesar was romantically involved with Cleopatra for 14 years. But he never asked her to marry him. Cleopatra felt betrayed and spent years whining about it in public. That's why she was known as the 'Egyptian Taylor Swift.'" –Craig Ferguson
"After he dumped Cleopatra, there were rumors that Julius Caesar fathered an illegitimate child by a housemaid. But those rumors turned out to be false. It was actually Caesar's cousin, Julius Schwarzenegger." –Craig Ferguson
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night
of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”
"Rick Santorum said he’s not an Etch-A-Sketch. He said what you see is what you get, and also because turning the two knobs is a little too much like playing with boobies.” –Bill Maher
"Then Santorum held up the Etch-A-Sketch and Sarah Palin said, 'Hey, give me back my iPad.'” –Bill Maher
“This law they have in Florida, this “stand your ground’ law where you can use can use any amount of force if you think there is some amount of perceived threat; good thing they don’t’ have that here because my lawn would be littered with Jehovah’s Witnesses.” –Bill Maher
“New Rule: Now that John Boehner has cried while listening to traditional Irish music at the St. Patrick's Day luncheon it's not funny anymore. Seriously, John, tell us: where did the priest touch you? Show me on the doll.” –Bill Maher
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html
“A poet that belongs with the Masters. A magisterial collection. A combination of
Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”
