Hmmm, I want to get a little drunk, but I also want pancakes (You know you are really drunk when you get pulled over by the Coast Guard)

There's only one drink I hate. Eggnog. How the heck did they think that one up?  Hmmm, I want to get a little drunk, but I also want pancakes. --Dave Attell

Drinking and driving. A lot of people say it’s wrong and I call these people the cops. Sometimes you have no choice. Hey, these kids have got to get to school. --Dave Attell

I’m not proud of this but I have been pulled over for drunk driving. I was really drunk. You know you are really drunk when you get pulled over by the Coast Guard.  --Dave Attell

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It was because I was involved in a horrible gum accident (he's just a drunk who wears a cape)

You know when you're young you think your dad's Superman and then you grow up and you realize he's just a drunk who wears a cape. --Dave Attell

I have shaved my pubic area. It was not because I wanted to. It was because I was involved in a horrible gum accident. --Dave Attell

I travel a lot, and I hate traveling. I guess it’s because my dad used to beat me with a globe. --Dave Attell

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hmmm, I want to get a little drunk, but I also want pancakes (pulled over by the Coast Guard)

There's a lot of beautiful women in this town. Man it's hard to meet women because they're always looking for men that don’t exist. You always want opposites. A woman told me she wanted an outdoorsy guy who's hilarious. But if you combine the two you would not like it. Rodeo Clown. Other girls are like, I just want a nice guy who will give and give and give and not want sex in return. I actually know this guy. His name is grandpa. --Dave Attell

There's only one drink I hate. Eggnog. How the heck did they think that one up?  Hmmm, I want to get a little drunk, but I also want pancakes. --Dave Attell

Drinking and driving. A lot of people say it’s wrong and I call these people the cops. Sometimes you have no choice. Hey, these kids have got to get to school. --Dave Attell

I’m not proud of this but I have been pulled over for drunk driving. I was really drunk. You know you are really drunk when you get pulled over by the Coast Guard.  --Dave Attell

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I guess it’s because my dad used to beat me with a globe (a horrible gum accident.)

Every man wonders about his size right? Either when he’s lying alone at night or in a hammock with a monkey. So I was thinking, ‘Do I have a really small p*nis or do I just have gigantic legs?’ --Dave Attell

If a woman sees your p*nis for the first time and the first words out of her mouth are, “Awwwwwwww.” It’s time to buy a Corvette. --Dave Attell

Some women say it’s not the size of a man’s p*nis, but it’s how he uses it. What is this man doing with his magical p*nis? Is he building things and fighting terrorism? A gazebo? How did that get here? --Dave Attell

You know when you're young you think your dad's Superman and then you grow up and you realize he's just a drunk who wears a cape. --Dave Attell

I have shaved my pubic area. It was not because I wanted to. It was because I was involved in a horrible gum accident. --Dave Attell

I travel a lot, and I hate traveling. I guess it’s because my dad used to beat me with a globe. --Dave Attell

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

You never find a dead body when you're sitting at home eating ice cream watching porno (you know what I’m saying?)

It’s good to be back in Toronto. You know what this town could really use? Another strip club. I think that would help things out. I went about a block and a half without seeing one and I got a little nervous. --Dave Attell

Here's a little drinking tip. Never get drunk when you're wearing a hooded sweatshirt because you will eventually think there's someone right behind you. --Dave Attell

I don't jog, you know why? It’s not because I'm against jogging. It’s because it always seems joggers are the ones that find the dead body. You never find a dead body when you're sitting at home eating ice cream watching porno, you know what I’m saying. --Dave Attell

Talk more about porn? You got it. Some people are against it and I say,  “Hey Oklahoma, whatever a man and a woman and another woman with a p*nis and a midget do to each other is their business.” --Dave Attell

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”