It's a holiday! (Ha, ha! Good one, said Iraq)

That's right. 89 years ago today, Colonel Sanders founded fast-food chain KFC. And boy, was Trump pissed when he found out he still had to come to work today. Meyers as Trump, "It's a holiday!" --Seth Meyers

When asked today if the Russian election was free and fair, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said, quote, "We're focused on our elections. We don't get to dictate how other countries operate." "Ha, ha! Good one," said Iraq. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

"Ha, ha! Good one," said Iraq (Just drive)

A man in Australia reportedly returned to his car over the weekend to find a koala bear sitting in his back seat. Even weirder, when he got in, the bear said, "Just drive." --Seth Meyers

When asked today if the Russian election was free and fair, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said, quote, "We're focused on our elections. We don't get to dictate how other countries operate." "Ha, ha! Good one," said Iraq. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And then she winked so hard, her podium fell over (traditional-married for the fifth time)

"Rush Limbaugh criticized President Obama's support of gay marriage, accusing the president of leading a war on traditional marriage. And Limbaugh wants it to mean something if he ever gets traditional-married for the fifth time." –Seth Meyers

White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders today said there isn’t anything to clarify about Trump’s position on NFL players kneeling during the national anthem, because the issue is, quote, “pretty black and white.” And then she winked so hard, her podium fell over. –Seth Meyers

Fast-food chain Arby’s is serving a limited-edition Cookie Butter Milkshake. And any customers who order it will also be limited-edition. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It would be like putting a smoke detector in Willie Nelson's dressing room (strawberry milk for everyone)

Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said yesterday that the White House is not considering conducting lie detector tests to uncover the author of the anonymous op-ed published in The New York Times. Because putting a lie detector in the White House would be like putting a smoke detector in Willie Nelson's dressing room. --Seth Meyers

An all-red cow was born in Jerusalem this week, which some believe fulfills a biblical prophecy to "reinstate purity to the world." While Education Secretary Betsy DeVos believes it means strawberry milk for everyone. --Seth Meyers

According to a new CNN poll, President Trump's approval rating has fallen six points in the last month. If he gets any less popular, they're just going to reboot the series without him. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Any human power can be resisted and changed by human beings (Abstinence saved my marriage!)

According to a new article on Melania Trump, most evenings she

does not have dinner with President Trump. Melania said,

“Occasionally, I’ll join him during his third breakfast.” --Conan

O’Brien

"The first openly gay player has been drafted by the NFL. If you saw

it on ESPN, Michael Sam celebrated by kissing his boyfriend. This

is historic. This is the first time anyone has celebrated being drafted

by the St. Louis Rams." –Conan O'Brien

Sarah Huckabee Sanders said she is unaware of hush money payments made by President Trump to other women. Then Sanders opened an envelope full of cash and said, “I’m sorry, I can’t talk anymore.” --Conan O’Brien

It’s come out that under President Trump, abstinence-only education is making a comeback. In fact, Melania Trump said, “Abstinence saved my marriage!” --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

"Ha, ha! Good one," said Iraq. (Hey, first one's on the house)

March Madness began today with top seeds going to Duke, Gonzaga, Virginia, and, in a stunning abuse of power, Trump University. --Seth Meyers

President Trump today met with the crown prince of Saudi Arabia at the White House. The prince asked for Trump's help fighting terrorism, and Trump asked for three wishes. --Seth Meyers

New York governor Andrew Cuomo has endorsed a new two-strikes plans that would permanently ban people from the subway if they are convicted of two sexual offenses on mass transit. First of all...two?! You're just telling every pervert in town, "Hey, first one's on the house." --Seth Meyers

When asked today if the Russian election was free and fair, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said, quote, "We're focused on our elections. We don't get to dictate how other countries operate." "Ha, ha! Good one," said Iraq. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The parents called the birth a miracle while the airline called it a second carry-on (Dirty look librarians)

According to a new survey, one in four teens say they used marijuana at least once in the past year. While the other three in four teens know a narc when they see one. --Seth Meyers

"A flight headed from San Francisco to Phoenix had to make an emergency landing in L.A. today after a passenger gave birth midflight. The parents called the birth a miracle while the airline called it a second carry-on." –Seth Meyers

"Today Malala Yousafzai and Kailash Satyarthi received the Nobel Peace Prize. And they’re giving an honorable mention to whoever has to announce them."–Seth Meyers

White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders responded to speculation about President Trump slurring his speech on Jerusalem yesterday, and said his throat was dry, and not, as we thought, completely missing. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

She rolled her eyes so hard, she saw brain ("Ha, ha! Good one," said Iraq.)

President Trump today met with the crown prince of Saudi Arabia at the White House. The prince asked for Trump's help fighting terrorism, and Trump asked for three wishes. --Seth Meyers

After facing attack ads focused on his past derogatory comments toward women, Donald Trump said yesterday, “Nobody respects women more than I do.” And then Melania rolled her eyes so hard, she saw brain. –Seth Meyers

"President Obama released his March Madness bracket this morning, picking Michigan State to win the tournament. In response, Vladimir Putin started moving troops into Gonzaga." –Seth Meyers

When asked today if the Russian election was free and fair, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said, quote, "We're focused on our elections. We don't get to dictate how other countries operate." "Ha, ha! Good one," said Iraq. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

who just saw a roach smoking a cigarette (Now she’s just lying for free)

With Thanksgiving around the corner, Trump will be pardoning two turkeys, an annual tradition. The next turkey to get pardoned will probably be Rudy Giuliani. --Jimmy Kimmel

Former press secretary Sarah Sanders has been interviewed about her potential move back into politics and has said that, despite copious reports to the contrary, Trump reads a lot. In fact, she claims he reads more than anyone she knows. She must know some really dumb people. Now she’s just lying for free. --Jimmy Kimmel

Trump called Fox & Friends and spoke for 53 minutes. Trump has the anger and free time of a sports radio caller. The Fox hosts looked like three out-of-town tourists sitting on the subway who just saw a roach smoking a cigarette. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

And if things escalate, I'm willing to put boobs on the ground (You're gonna need this. Trust me)

Meanwhile, here's a big story from the White House. Today, we found out the replacement for Sarah Huckabee Sanders will be a woman named Stephanie Grisham. There was a lovely ceremony today when Sarah handed Stephanie the keys to the liquor cabinet. She was like, "Here, you're gonna -- You're gonna need this. Trust me. --Jimmy Fallon

Finally, you guys, get this -- I saw that Costco is now selling a giant two-pound doughnut. There's actually a name for that. It is called a cake. --Jimmy Fallon

Everybody's still on edge about the U.S. and Iran. I guess after Iran shot down our drone, Trump ordered a strike on them. But then he called it off, and listen to how he described it. President Trump says the United States was, quote, "cocked and loaded." Cocked and loaded? Of course, the correct phrase is "locked and loaded." Then Trump was like, "And if things escalate, I'm willing to put boobs on the ground." --Jimmy Fallon

During an interview Chuck Todd asked Trump what he'd change if he could have one do-over. Trump said he would not have appointed Jeff Sessions to be Attorney General. Then both Eric and Don Jr. were, like "Whew! Wow, that was close! Oh, man!" --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Who let them have Google?! (Why would anyone need five iPhone cables?)

Sarah Huckabee Sanders was fact-checked by Fox News during a live interview. Sarah was shocked and showed off her “Oh, sh*t face!” She cannot believe she is being fact-checked by someone on Fox News. As soon as that interviewed ended, she stormed off the set and screamed, "Who let them have Google?!" --Seth Meyers

The government shutdown has entered its third week, and I can't say I'm surprised. Shutdowns are a pattern with him. If Trump had a casino, it shut down. He's in charge of the government, it shut down. He married Melania, she shut down! --Seth Meyers

According to Reuters, Google moved $22.7 billion to Bermuda in 2017 through a Dutch shell company to avoid taxes. While over at Bing, you're no longer allowed to flush if it's just pee. --Seth Meyers

The NYPD is looking for a man who recently broke into an Apple store and stole $75,000 worth of products. That is crazy. Why would anyone need five iPhone cables? --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

That’s putting a lot of pressure on Eric and Don Jr.’s lemonade stand (the simplest of tools)

There’s nothing certain about anything anymore. Yesterday, I was confident that America would still have a government. But I underestimated what a wedge we have in the White House. I say wedge because he’s the simplest of tools. --Stephen Colbert

Last night, Mitch McConnell passed a short-term spending bill that would keep the government open till February. 100 to Nothing. Now it didn’t include that $5 Billion that Trump wanted for his Border Wall, but everybody, even McConnell thought he would sign it. Sarah Huckabee-Sanders told Fox News, “We have other ways that we can get that $5 Billion.” That’s putting a lot of pressure on Eric and Don Jr.’s lemonade stand. --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”  

Yes, but for 350 dollars, a guy will come to your table and waterboard a lobster (paid in pelts)

"Over the weekend, Sarah Palin was speaking to a group called the Tea Party Group. And she received a hundred thousand dollars in payment. Now, of course, she was paid in pelts, but still." –David Letterman

"But 350 bucks a plate at Pailn’s Tea Party event a lot of people say, 'Whoa! Dave, that seems a little pricey.' Yes, but for 350 dollars, a guy will come to your table and waterboard a lobster." –David Letterman

"We learned last weekend that Sarah Palin writes notes on her hand when she's giving speeches. You can see the notes right there on her hand. The first one is, 'Hitch up the dogsled,' 'buy Chapstick,' 'clean rifle.'" –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

That would be like putting a smoke detector in Willie Nelson's dressing room (You mean Kung Fu Panda?)

Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said yesterday that the White House is not considering conducting lie detector tests to uncover the author of the anonymous op-ed published in The New York Times. Because putting a lie detector in the White House would be like putting a smoke detector in Willie Nelson's dressing room. --Seth Meyers

According to journalist Bob Woodward's new book, Sen. Lindsey Graham once urged President Trump to encourage the Chinese government to assassinate North Korean leader Kim Jong Un and replace him with someone they control. Said Trump, "You mean Kung Fu Panda?" --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Betsy DeVos believes it means strawberry milk for everyone (You mean my tape recorder?)

White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders held her first press briefing today in almost three weeks. And you could tell she was a little rusty — because she almost answered a question. --Seth Meyers

President Trump on Friday claimed the quotes in Bob Woodward's book were made up and that Woodward uses every trick in the book to demean and belittle. Said Woodward, "You mean my tape recorder?" --Seth Meyers

An all-red cow was born in Jerusalem this week, which some believe fulfills a biblical prophecy to "reinstate purity to the world." While Education Secretary Betsy DeVos believes it means strawberry milk for everyone. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”  

Meanwhile the ruling oligarchy will quietly run the show as they see fit (Except for Omarosa. That's our bad)

Following recent accusations of President Trump's racist behavior, White House press secretary Sarah Sanders has gotten into some trouble of her own. Yesterday she was caught during a press briefing making false claims about the number of jobs Trump has created for African-Americans. Although if you believe Omarosa, the biggest lie was that the White House used the term African-Americans. --James Corden

Later Sanders issued an apology on Twitter, saying, "I'm sorry for the mistake, but no apologies for the 700,000 jobs for African-Americans created under President Trump." She then went on to say, "Except for Omarosa. That's our bad." --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

At this point, think of anything, and there's probably a tape of Trump doing it (Great Job Debbie)

Omarosa's new book "Unhinged" is out. And it's already an Amazon best-seller. That's just because Trump frantically bought up all the copies so no one can read it. --Jimmy Fallon

On "Fox & Friends" this morning, Brian Kilmeade said that Omarosa had outsmarted Trump. But to be fair, Trump also been outsmarted by the child safety locks in his limo. --Jimmy Fallon

White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders couldn't guarantee that there's no tape of Trump using racial slurs. Sarah said, "At this point, think of anything, and there's probably a tape of Trump doing it." --Jimmy Fallon

Home Depot just had its best quarter in company history. When asked what they'll do with the money, Home Depot said, "Hire a second employee." --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Maybe I could interest you in a hot cup of shut-the-f***-up (Flow Chart of LIES)

"Speaking of which, he did not disappoint [on screen: Cheney saying that Obama's actions since he took office have made Americans less safe]. I trust you. So, sir, is that based on you reading the intelligence reports? [on screen: Cheney saying he doesn't read the intelligence reports anymore]. Oh, well then, maybe I could interest you in a hot cup of shut-the-f***-up." --Jon Stewart

"We are very excited to have the President of the United States, Barack Obama here. A lot of people were surprised that the President came to NBC. You'd think by this time he'd be tired of big companies on the brink of disaster with a bunch of overpaid executives." --Jay Leno

"What's amazing, though, is that even though the President travels with this huge group of people -- I mean, he's got the staff, Secret Service, presidential aides -- it's still less people than when we have on Mariah Carey." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Hillary Clinton punched a pillow so hard it turned into a diamond (two years of jazz, and four years of tap)

"Senator Joseph Lieberman said Tuesday that Congress should consider war on terrorism taxes. Or, as they are currently known, taxes." --Seth Meyers

"Earlier today, Senator Barack Obama announced his candidacy for president. Upon hearing the news, Hillary Clinton punched a pillow so hard it turned into a diamond." --Amy Poehler

"Senator Obama answered doubts about his inexperience by saying he has gained tremendous insight from his work as a community organizer, civil rights attorney, constitutional law professor, key club president, 4H treasurer, lunch room monitor, two years of jazz, and four years of tap." --Amy Poehler

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Code red! Defrost the nuggets! (He's foreign and half his age)

We have John Travolta on the show tonight. And this weekend is actually the 40th anniversary of the movie "Grease." To celebrate, President Trump and Kim Jong Un sang a duet of "You're the One That I Want." --Jimmy Fallon

Actually the people at the White House are pretty excited that Trump is back. Sarah Huckabee Sanders said, "Oh. Good." Melania Trump said, "Wait, he's back? Like, NOW?" And finally, the White House kitchen staff screamed, "Code red! Defrost the nuggets! Go, go, go! Go! Get me dinosaur-shaped, dinosaur-shaped!" --Jimmy Fallon

Trump is really excited to tell everyone about the summit. In an interview last night Trump talked about how he and Kim really hit it off — maybe a bit too much. [clip of Trump] "The relationship was really good. He’s got a very good personality, he’s funny. It’s been a very intense relationship. It’s been short, and very intense." Sounds like somebody’s going to the Fantasy Suite! It makes sense, though. Kim is totally Trump's type. He's foreign and half his age. --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”