"Tea Party rebutter Michele Bachmann is under fire for saying the Founding Fathers eliminated slavery. Sarah Palin is very upset. Another female Republican trying to steal the dumbass vote." –Jay Leno
"Last night, President Obama gave the State of the Union address. Vice President Biden called it a great speech. House Speaker John Boehner called it a real tearjerker." –Jay Leno
"The terrorist group Hezbollah has taken power in Lebanon and opponents have declared a day of rage. Or as it's known in the Middle East, Tuesday." –Conan O'Brien
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