runs out of people/None of his missiles seem to launch/took out a city block

"Lebanon. Our president, President Bush, has rejected calls for an immediate cease-fire on the grounds that he'd prefer a 'sustainable cease-fire.' It makes sense. He doesn't want the killing to stop until he's sure it will stop. So, there will be more killing until the president's convinced that there will be no more killing. Or everyone else runs out of people." --Jon Stewart

"The Globe reports that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il raises money by selling fake Viagra pills. What it is about this guy? None of his missiles seem to launch." --Jay Leno

"But as some see mayhem and chaos in the violence, Condoleeza Rice sees chaos and makes 'mayhemade' [on screen: Rice saying, 'What we're seeing here, in a sense, is the growing birth pangs of a new Middle East']. Birth pangs? Yes, I believe today's contraction took out a city block." --Jon Stewart

What's it like to be celibate? (fertile gardens of liberty)

"Condoleezza Rice was in Rome and she visited the Vatican and all the priests were very happy to see her. And everybody kept asking her 'What's it like to be celibate?'" --David Letterman

"President Bush’s speech did have some eloquent, rhetorical flourishes [on screen: Bush saying, 'America looks to the day when the people of the Middle East will leave the desert of despotism for the fertile gardens of liberty']. From the desert of despotism to the fertile gardens of liberty? It's actually not that hard to get to. If you look on metaphorical MapQuest, you head down the Streets of Suffering, get on the Parkway of Progress, pass the Ranch of Righteousness merge onto the Freeway of Being Free, stop at the World's Biggest Ball of Hope, and stay the course, cross over Grand Funk Railroad, and look for the sign, 'Fertile Gardens.' Although, I have to say it's a little confusing, because there is also an Olive Garden around there as well. The trip is only 3.2 miles, and the estimated time of travel will be, what looks like, 1,300 years." --Jon Stewart

Naturally, the media is making a big deal about the president cursing (camels)

"Apparently our fearless leader caused quite a stir at the G-8 Summit when microphones captured him in an unguarded moment [on screen: Bush saying, 'See, the irony is that what they need to do is, to get Syria to get Hezbollah to stop doing this shit and it's over.'] Naturally, the media is making a big deal about the president cursing. Ohh, salty language. Do you know how lucky we are that that's all that was caught? I'm impressed the president was on topic. You know, there's just as good of a chance that the microphones could have picked up him pointing out some [German Chancellor Angela] Merkel cameltoe." --Jon Stewart

"Some of Bush's other comments, however, were less focused [on screen: Bush saying, 'I'm not going to talk too damn long like the rest of them. Some of these guys talk too long.'] Come on Condi, you got to crumble the Ritalin into his food or he's not taking it." --Jon Stewart

"The worst part about this heat wave across the country is  Al Gore walking around going, 'I told you so.'" --Jay Leno

soon every American will receive a voucher for a free popsicle (thermometers)

"President Bush says he is personally working on a solution for global warming. He says thanks to Republicans, soon every American will receive a voucher for a free popsicle." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said he might send Condoleezza Rice over to the Middle East to help solve it. Condoleezza Rice? Send Naomi Campbell. Have her slap a few of those people around." --Jay Leno

"A heat wave is gripping the entire country. This week scientists in Boulder, Colorado, installed what they call 'an early warning system to detect global warming.' The scientists say that they call their global warming detection device a 'thermometer.'" --Conan O'Brien

There are now more weapons of mass destruction in the Bronx than there are in Iraq

"In the debate in the House the other day on banning gay marriage, Democratic Tennessee Congressman Lincoln Davis said we should go one step further and outlaw adultery and make it a felony. Have an affair and you can go to prison. And you thought a lot of congressmen went to jail for bribery. How overcrowded it is going to be now?" --Jay Leno

"On this date in 1969, do you know what happened? Neil Armstrong, was the first man to set foot on the moon. It's interesting now from this perspective: Sure we can put a man on the moon, but we still can't put a man on Condoleezza Rice." --David Letterman

"Despite the heat, President Bush is keeping busy. Earlier this week at the White House, President Bush met with the Prime Minister of India. There was an awkward moment when Bush asked the Indian Prime Minister, 'Now that you're here, could you see why my computer is acting up?'" --Conan O'Brien

"A Tomahawk cruise missile fell off a truck in the Bronx this week. A cruise missile, isn't that unbelievable? You know what that means? There are now more weapons of mass destruction in the Bronx than there are in Iraq." --Jay Leno 

Jimmy Hoffa on a unicorn (contraction took out a city block)

"We're still on the road to World War III. Things were looking a little grim last week -- all those countries pressuring us to call for an immediate cease-fire, but we stayed strong. Sure, we sent over Condi Rice to negotiate, but she's not there for cease-fire. No, she's there for 'sustainable cease-fire,' which considering the Middle East, is like sending her to bring back Jimmy Hoffa on a unicorn." --Stephen Colbert

"After nearly two weeks of violence and mounting casualties on both sides, help is on the way. U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice finally cashed in her miles today and sprung for a surprise visit to Beirut's 'Oh my God, don't let them shoot down my plane with a Stinger missile' International Airport." --Jon Stewart

"But as some see mayhem and chaos in the violence, Rice sees chaos and makes 'mayhemade' [on screen: Rice saying, 'What we're seeing here, in a sense, is the growing birth pangs of a new Middle East']. Birth pangs? Yes, I believe today's contraction took out a city block." --Jon Stewart

You can't get more involved than that (Don't Hold Your Breath)

"And this Friday, 'American Idol' winner Taylor Hicks will go to the White House and meet the President of the United States. Say what you want about Bush, he knows how to delegate. 'Condoleezza you go to Beirut, I'm going to be meeting with the 'American Idol' on Friday'." --Jay Leno

"Realize if Al Gore is right and the polar ice caps do melt, the entire state of Florida would be under water and he could finally win a presidential election." --Jay Leno

"Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is in Beirut today, not on official business, just cooler there. She just wanted to cool off, get away from that heat." --Jay Leno

"And John Kerry said over the weekend, if he were president the current conflict wouldn't be happening because he would be more involved in the Middle East. More involved? Hey, Bush invaded the place. How could he get more involved than that?" --Jay Leno

What's it like to be celibate? (They did what?)

"Condoleezza Rice was in Rome and she visited the Vatican and all the priests were very happy to see her. And everybody kept asking her 'What's it like to be celibate?'" --David Letterman

"President Bush met with Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki and he spent the first hour trying to pronounce Nouri al-Maliki." --David Letterman

"We talk a lot about Iraq, the Middle East, and Baghdad in particular, which hasn't had what they call utility services. They haven't had water, electric return to the state the way they were before the war, but the United States isn't really doing so great with that here either." --Jon Stewart

"Humanitarian aid in the U.S. has begun arriving in Lebanon. The U.S. Government sent 10,000 medical kits, 20,000 blankets, $30 million cash and today the people of New Orleans said: 'They did what?'." --Jay Leno

Be thankful the Condoleezza Rice character is still black (9/11, The mini-series)

"Today the Democratic and Republican primaries were held all across the country. So far, it's evenly split between those who forgot to vote and those who chose not to vote." --Conan O'Brien

"Today is a very solemn day--the fifth anniversary of 9/11. It's a time for the nation to reflect, come together and watch TV. What better way to commemorate a national tragedy than turning it into a mini-series?" --Stephen Colbert

"The big controversy, of course, is the 9/11 mini-series because people are upset that it's not accurate. Because as you know, nothing is typically more accurate than the made-for-television movie. Why shouldn't 9/11 get the same respect that the Amy Fisher story gets? I mean, these are network executives making decisions about these films. Be thankful the Condoleezza Rice character is still black." --Jon Stewart

They're the first nation to put a man on Condoleezza

"On this day in 1993 Israeli and Palestinian leaders met on the White House lawn and signed the peace accord. Glad they settled that!" --David Letterman

"Condoleezza Rice is apparently dating a Canadian politician. It's a proud day for Canada. They're the first nation to put a man on Condoleezza." --David Letterman

"President Bush said he's often asked why we are in Iraq when Saddam Hussein isn't responsible for 9/11. Bush said all his responses are the same -- 'Dad, quit asking me that.'" --Jay Leno

"It's Fashion Week here in New York City. Fashionistas can be very nasty. They can be snotty. They can be downright bitchy. I ran into a fashionista today and said, 'Oh hi, who do I call about getting a complete fashion makeover?' And the guy said, 'FEMA.'" --David Letterman

and is giggling a lot as she prepares for the invasion of Iran

"Today in Baghdad, the judge in the Saddam Hussein trial said that Saddam was not a dictator. After saying this, Saddam was furious. He said, 'What does a guy have to do?'" --Conan O'Brien

"The latest polls came out and President Bush's approval ratings have dropped another 3%. In fact, he's so unpopular that the Democrats are going to have to work really, really hard to screw up this election." --Jay Leno

"In his speech to the nation this week, Bush said that we have to fight against people who reject tolerance and despise dissent and anyone who disagrees with that is a traitor." --Jay Leno

"It's been reported that Condoleezza Rice is dating a high level Canadian diplomat. Sources say you can tell because Rice has an extra bounce in her step and is giggling a lot as she prepares for the invasion of Iran." --Conan O'Brien

Hillary Clinton is the family values candidate (Oh, oh, Canada)

"The hot gossip in Washington is that Condoleezza Rice might have a new boyfriend. Secretary of State Rice is being linked to Canada's Foreign Minister, Peter MacKay. It's gotta be awkward dating a fellow diplomat. Like today, MacKay had to promise Condi he would get permission from the U.N. before he invaded her. Actually, I heard that she was trying to learn the Canadian national anthem. They were alone in a room and she was heard going, 'Oh, Canada. Oh, oh, Canada.'." --Jay Leno

"The U.S. House of Representatives passed a bill to build a 700-mile fence along the Mexican border. Apparently, the idea is to keep Mexicans from getting back home." --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton's opponent in the U.S. Senate race, Rudy Giuliani, the Republican she's going to be running against, has been married three times, had an affair with his chief of staff, had two kids with her while still married to his second wife. This is the first time in history that a Clinton is the 'family values' candidate." --Jay Leno

MacKay had to promise Condi he would get permission from the U.N. before he invaded her

"This week, President Bush said he has no plans to invade North Korea. Bush said, 'This time, Rumsfeld and I are going to wing it.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Happy Birthday to Fay Wray, a wonderful actress. She was, of course, in the movie 'King Kong' and would have been 99-years-old today. She was famous because of her love interest with a giant ape, and, wait a minute, that's Maria Shriver." --David Letterman

"The hot gossip in Washington is that Condoleezza Rice might have a new boyfriend. Secretary of State Rice is being linked to Canada's Foreign Minister, Peter MacKay. It's gotta be awkward dating a fellow diplomat. Like today, MacKay had to promise Condi he would get permission from the U.N. before he invaded her." --Jay Leno

I only said those things to you because I sincerely believe you're a terrible person

"Why does Robert Novak hate and why me? It's like I publicly revealed some piece of information he didn't want people to know, and ruined his career. And then, kept asserting it was everyone else's fault, but mine. I don't like this bad blood between us, Robert. If you're watching, and I know you're not, I think it's time to bury the hatchet. We need to get together and talk. We'll meet on neutral ground. You're on Fox. I'm on Comedy Central. How about the Food Network? We can work this out because I know that you're a good person deep down in your thing that they replaced your heart with. I see your redeeming qualities. For example, when I see you on television, you generously absorb all light and oxygen. When you leave an area, it stops raining. And I know in the past I've referred to you as a douchebag, but that's not an air of grandeur, that's just mean. I only said those things to you because I sincerely believe you're a terrible person." --Jon Stewart

"It's rumored in Washington that Condoleezza Rice has a new boyfriend. Allegedly, he's Canada's Foreign Minister, Peter MacKay. Since he's a diplomat and he visits her at the White House, he has to have a Secret Service code name. Do you know what his Secret Service code name is? 'Captain Kirk.' You know why they call him that? Because he's going where no man has gone before." --Jay Leno

You know, we should settle this with an old-fashioned three-way

"In discussing Hillary Clinton's run for the presidency, the Reverend Jerry Falwell said the faithful are scared by Hillary Clinton. To which Bill Clinton said, 'Hey, not as much as the unfaithful. Believe me.'" --Jay Leno

"Earlier tonight, President Bush had dinner with the President of Pakistan and the President of Afghanistan. Tomorrow, the president will have breakfast with Count Chocula and Captain Crunch." --Conan O'Brien

"A lot of fighting going on right now in the political scene. Yesterday, Senator Hillary Clinton lashed out at Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice for comments Rice had made about former President Clinton. Today, Bill Clinton suggested, 'You know, we should settle this with an old-fashioned three-way.'" --Conan O'Brien

(Drinking Game #47) Every time you hear George Tenet say 'imminent,' you take a shot

"It's simple. You drink, you forget things -- especially things that could endanger minors. And I know people are wondering why Condoleezza Rice can't remember a July 2001 meeting with George Tenet where he warned her an al Qaeda attack was likely, even though White House records prove the meeting happened. She probably just blacked out. She was playing a drinking game. Every time you hear George Tenet say 'imminent,' you take a shot." --Stephen Colbert

"We're covering a story about a certain congressman. Let's call him. Representative Mark Foley, Republican of Florida. He spent most of his career protecting children from Internet stalkers. Turns out he was doing it so he could have them all to himself." --Jon Stewart

"The number one movie this week is 'Open Season,' about young male pages working for Congress." --Jay Leno

the financially corrupt are now fighting with the sexually corrupt

"Yesterday, Denns Hastert defended himself by saying he had no idea what was going on. Hey, don't laugh. It worked for President Bush." --Jay Leno

"This Mark Foley e-mail thing caused quite a conflict within the two wings of the Republican Party. It seems the financially corrupt are now fighting with the sexually corrupt." --Jay Leno

"Iranian Supreme Leader Seyyed Ali Khamenei ruled this week that masturbation during Ramadan invalidates fasting. I think if that's true, you're doing it wrong." --Seth Meyers

"Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is in Iraq today. See, that's when you know things are bad in Washington -- when it's safer for Republicans to go to Baghdad." --Jay Leno

They actually found some old Al Gore ballots

"There are 300,000 new jobs and Bush said he's confused, 'Can I take credit for good news that I didn't even make up?'" —Craig Kilborn



"Not only will Condoleezza Rice testify, but President Bush has also agreed to meet with the (9/11) commission. He's going to testify, but he said he wants have Dick Cheney there with him. Why does he want Cheney with him? What? Does he have a learner's permit to be president and have to have an adult with him." —Jay Leno



"They said that President Bush's war in Iraq has cost the former Spanish Prime Minister his job. So President Bush isn't losing American jobs anymore, he's branching out to other countries." —Jay Leno



There was an embarrassing moment in the White House earlier today. They were looking around while searching for George Bush's military records. They actually found some old Al Gore ballots.
- David Letterman

President Bush says he is looking forward to the testimony of Condoleezza Rice

"Senator Ted Kennedy said that Iraq was President Bush's 'Vietnam.' When he heard about it, President Bush said, 'That's not true; I went to Iraq."' —Conan O'Brien




"President Bush says he is looking forward to the testimony of Condoleezza Rice. Yes, he is very excited about Condoleezza Rice's testimony before Congress. Well, it makes perfect sense — he wants to know what was going on, too." —David Letterman



"President Bush got a little upset with a reporter for calling him 'sir' instead of 'Mr. President.' Man, how upset is he going to be after the election when they start calling him George again?" —Jay Leno

Hey, who elected you president?!

"Homeland Security has warned of possible summer attacks by Al Qaeda. And it must be pretty serious because President Bush has already ignored three memos about this." —David Letterman

"'American Idol' got a record 65 million votes. In fact today, Bush and Kerry started taking singing lessons." —Jay Leno

"Newly released transcripts reveal that President Nixon was drunk during the Arab-Israeli crisis of 1973. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'Hey, so was I!'" —Conan O'Brien



"A fiery Al Gore called for the resignation of Donald Rumsfeld, Condoleeza Rice, and CIA Director George Tenet. Bush was furious. He said to Gore, 'Hey, who elected you president?!'" —Jay Leno