and was secretly videotaped by the New England Patriots (outsourcing the job of his wife)

"Southwest Airlines canceled 600 flights because of a plane that suddenly got a 5-foot hole in the roof. You know American wouldn’t have canceled all those flights. They’d have just started charging a $50 sunroof fee." –Jimmy Fallon

"If Donald Trump loves America so much, why does he keep outsourcing the job of his wife?" –Seth Meyers

"This Taylor Hicks. You know who he is? He's the big 'American Idol' winner and he won by 4 million votes more than President Bush won his election. Coincidentally, so did Al Gore." --David Letterman

"Last night, President Bush addressed the nation with a speech about Iraq. The speech aired on all three networks and was secretly videotaped by the New England Patriots." --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 
A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

She is so beautiful, you almost want to let her vote in federal elections

"Saddam Hussein has been on a hunger strike for seventeen days. They had to nurse him back to health with a feeding tube to get him healthy enough so he can go back on trial. And then be put to death. It is an odd thing. Two years ago, we were dropping ten thousand pound bombs on the guy. Now we're feeding him nutrients through a tube. No wonder he's confused." --Jimmy Kimmel

"We won the Miss Universe pageant. Meet Miss Puerto Rico, or as I call her, Miss 'U.S.A.'s Territory with Commonwealth Status' Puerto Rico. She is so beautiful, you almost want to let her vote in federal elections." --Stephen Colbert

"This Friday, 'American Idol' winner Taylor Hicks will go to the White House to meet with President Bush. That's pretty cool, isn't it? Imagine an awkward Southern guy, who nobody thought could win anything, sitting down with the 'American Idol,' Taylor Hicks." --Jay Leno

You can't get more involved than that (Don't Hold Your Breath)

"And this Friday, 'American Idol' winner Taylor Hicks will go to the White House and meet the President of the United States. Say what you want about Bush, he knows how to delegate. 'Condoleezza you go to Beirut, I'm going to be meeting with the 'American Idol' on Friday'." --Jay Leno

"Realize if Al Gore is right and the polar ice caps do melt, the entire state of Florida would be under water and he could finally win a presidential election." --Jay Leno

"Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is in Beirut today, not on official business, just cooler there. She just wanted to cool off, get away from that heat." --Jay Leno

"And John Kerry said over the weekend, if he were president the current conflict wouldn't be happening because he would be more involved in the Middle East. More involved? Hey, Bush invaded the place. How could he get more involved than that?" --Jay Leno

Coincidentally, so did Al Gore (apparently, his father's a Democrat)

"This Taylor Hicks. You know who he is? He's the big 'American Idol' winner and he won by 4 million votes more than President Bush won his election. Coincidentally, so did Al Gore." --David Letterman

"Police in St. Paul, Minnesota, caught the 81-year-old father of U.S. Senator Norm Coleman having sex in the parking lot of a pizza parlor with a 38-year-old woman. Senator Coleman is a Republican, but apparently, his father's a Democrat." --Jay Leno

"The leader of Hezbollah is said to be hiding in the Iranian Embassy in Lebanon. President Bush said today he once spent the night there. Then his staff told him, 'No, Mr. President, those were Embassy Suites.'" --Jay Leno

 

Ann Coulter said Bill Clinton is gay (Pirates of the Caribbean)

"President Bush spent hours talking about a possible solution to the Mid East crisis until staffers had to pull him aside and say, 'Mr. President, that's Taylor Hicks. Prime Minster Blair is still outside waiting.'" --Jay Leno

"And for the most ridiculous story of the week. This week, Ann Coulter said Bill Clinton is gay. I got to admit he hides it pretty well. Ann Coulter thinks Bill Clinton is gay? But she also thinks George Bush is smart, so you gotta take it with a grain of salt." --Jay Leno

"President Bush hosted the 'American Idol' finalists in the Oval Office. Well sure, there's not really anything else going on. Bush is very, very busy. Tomorrow he meets with the Pirates of the Caribbean." --David Letterman

 

Or everyone else runs out of people (Chuck Norris bridge)

"The Hungarian government put together an internet voting thing to let their citizens vote on who a new bridge that will span the Danube River will be named after and so far the frontrunner is Chuck Norris. So either the Hungarians have a very good sense of humor or very bad taste. It's not a bad strategy though, because if war ever breaks out with Hungary what red-blooded American pilot is going to bomb the Chuck Norris bridge? Not one who's seen 'Missing In Action 2,' I'll tell you that." --Jimmy Kimmel

"On Friday, President Bush held a press conference with British Prime Minister Tony Blair and then he met with the 'American Idol,' Taylor Hicks. Those are our two last remaining allies apparently." --Jay Leno

"Lebanon. Our president, President Bush, has rejected calls for an immediate cease-fire on the grounds that he'd prefer a 'sustainable cease-fire.' It makes sense. He doesn't want the killing to stop until he's sure it will stop. So, there will be more killing until the president's convinced that there will be no more killing. Or everyone else runs out of people." --Jon Stewart