Rihanna's Holy Crap Moment (Barbara! Google me!)

A producer for the VMA’s says that apparently Rihanna is going to deliver a “holy crap moment.” Donald Trump was like, “Who cares? Try doing that twice a day, every day.” –Jimmy Fallon

The Washington Post published an entire biography of Donald Trump that’s 431 pages long. Trump said it’s a little longer than the books he likes to read, by about 431 pages. –Jimmy Fallon 

The Trump biography also reveals that he doesn’t have a computer at his desk in Trump Tower. Instead, every five minutes he just shouts at his secretary, “Barbara! Google me!” –Jimmy Fallon

Bill Murray knows it's Monday, but... (You're Awesome)

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

we shouldn't be bringing democracy to the Middle East, they should be bringing it to us

"Both Jack Abramoff and Monica Lewinsky went to Beverly Hills High School. Ironically, they both went on to embarrass presidents with scandals about the same thing: getting something under the table." --Jay Leno

"The latest in Iraq: the government has ceased to function. It's kind of like the Bush White House, but with more oil." --Jay Leno

"The biggest surprise of the election: it was the lowest voter turnout ever. A dismal 63.2%. That's the lowest turn-out they've ever had. You know we shouldn't be bringing democracy to the Middle East, they should be bringing it to us." --Jon Stewart, on the Israeli election

The bad news: a head of lettuce will now cost $300 (white people)

"President Bush is in Mexico this week and while he's there, he's going to visit the ancient Mayan ruins. Apparently, Bush is trying to learn from his mistakes because today he promised that FEMA will help the Mayans rebuild." --Conan O'Brien

"The good news is that Congress is cracking down on illegal immigration. The bad news: a head of lettuce will now cost $300." --Jay Leno

"This problem with illegal immigration is nothing new. In fact, the Indians had a special name for it. They called it 'white people.'" --Jay Leno

someone had crossed out Iraq and written in, 'Gay dudes' (nobody could possibly lie to that face)

Hillary Clinton had a phone interview with CNN's Anderson Cooper last night — and she HAD to do it by phone, because nobody could possibly lie to that face. –Seth Meyers

"According to a series of just published letters that Albert Einstein sent to his second wife, he had ten mistresses. He would send his wife letters about his mistresses and then ask her for advice. Or as Bill Clinton called him, 'a trailblazer, a pioneer.'" --Jay Leno

"President Bush on Tuesday reluctantly released portions of the classified report that stated the war in Iraq is adding to the terrorist threat throughout the world. Though suspiciously in some portions of the report, someone had crossed out Iraq and written in, 'Gay dudes'." --Amy Poehler of Saturday Night Live

Hillary Clinton cited an old Mexican proverb (I dare her to put on a leather mask)

"Senator Hillary Clinton said she is in favor of building a wall between Mexico and the United States. After hearing this, former President Bill Clinton said, 'She means a metaphorical wall of silence and resentment. Trust me.'" --Conan O'Brien

Hillary Clinton cited an old Mexican proverb in her speech in Nevada today to highlight the unchanging nature of Donald Trump. A Mexican proverb, or as Trump calls it, "A spell!" –Seth Meyers

"Former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright called North Korea's leader Kim Jung Il a pervert. In response, Kim Jung Il said 'I dare her to put on a leather mask and say that to my ass.'" --Conan O'Brien

all bribe money has to be in a clear plastic bag (perfect timing)

"Good news from the White House. President Bush last week had his annual physical and he passed. He passed his annual physical. No word yet on the mental." --David Letterman

"This week senators passed a limited ethics bill. It's something congress knows a lot about. Limited ethics. Some of the new rules are pretty tough, like from now on, all bribe money has to be in a clear plastic bag." --Jay Leno

A new Earth-like planet has been discovered a few months before an election where Donald Trump could be president. If that's not perfect timing, I don't know what is. –James Corden