Can we talk about this over a drink? (Bill Cosby edition)

A new government report reveals that Hillary Clinton ignored the State Department rules about cyber security. The report states that Hillary’s recklessness, arrogance, and defiance could get her the Republican presidential nomination. –Conan O’Brien

Yesterday, a female judge ruled that Bill Cosby must stand trial. Cosby said to the judge, "Can we talk about this over a drink?" –Conan O’Brien 

Chairman of the Republican National Committee Reince Priebus blasted Hillary Clinton on Twitter for using "bad judgment." Priebus said, "I haven’t seen judgment this bad since my parents named me Reince Priebus." –Conan O’Brien

when members of the Navy do the bravest thing they’ve ever done

Fleet Week is when members of the Navy do the bravest thing they’ve ever done: wear all white on the New York City subway. –Jimmy Fallon

One of the events for Fleet Week is the “Parade of Ships” along the Hudson River. That's one more reason we love you guys — you found a way to have a parade in New York City that doesn't screw up traffic! –Jimmy Fallon

A new study found that students who learn without any shoes on get better grades than students who wear shoes. Then the University of Phoenix Online said, “Just think how well you'd learn without PANTS on!" –Jimmy Fallon

No word yet on how much Hillary’s planning to charge

Troubling news for Hillary Clinton. The FBI says as part of its investigation of Hillary Clinton’s emails, it may call her in to speak to them. No word yet on how much Hillary’s planning to charge. Could be as much as three grand, $300,000. –Conan O’Brien

An Australian man is making headlines after he started treating an abandoned shopping cart as his son, naming it Trevor and giving it a pair of sneakers. Even sadder, he already had a son named Trevor. –Seth Meyers

Don’t be our candidate (Book of Revelations)

Donald Trump is now ahead of Hillary Clinton in the polls. This was reported today in The Washington Post, and 2,000 years ago in the Book of Revelations. –Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump is holding his first-ever campaign fundraiser but says he’s only doing it because the Republican Party asked him to. Yeah. Trump thought he should do this for the Republican Party, since he turned down their first request: Don’t be our candidate. –Conan O’Brien

A recent survey found that Donald Trump is polling very badly among Asian-Americans. After hearing this, Trump said, “That’s odd, I haven’t even gotten around to insulting them yet. I got great material on them.” –Conan O’Brien

pockets/New Mexicans/six years old/What is TAKING so long?!

It’s been reported that the head of security for the TSA has been officially removed from his position. That’s right, he was told to turn in his badge, his uniform, his shoes, his belt, his keys, bottles over 4 ounces, his laptop, and any coins in his pockets. (I repeat! There should be NOTHING IN HIS POCKETS!) –Jimmy Fallon

I saw that today, Donald Trump held a big rally in New Mexico. Which is weird, since he’s spent his whole campaign promising to ban NEW Mexicans. –Jimmy Fallon

Trump criticized Hillary Clinton over the weekend, claiming that her views are “just words” read off a teleprompter. But Hillary denied it, saying, “I’ve had these speeches memorized since I was six.” –Jimmy Fallon

Helen Hunt posted a photo on Twitter to show that her Starbucks barista wrote “Jody” on her cup because she thought she was Jodie Foster. Meanwhile, Jodie Foster is still at that same Starbucks going, “Where the hell is my damn coffee? What is TAKING so long?!” –Jimmy Fallon

Dick Cheney came out as gay (Going Out of Power)

"What a day for the Democrats. They've won the House of Representatives, they are poised to take the Senate as well, Donald Rumsfeld has resigned, and this just in, Dick Cheney came out as gay." --Jon Stewart

 "You know what GOP stands for? Going Out of Power." --Jay Leno

"It's ironic because Republicans always wanted to appeal to minorities. Now they are one." --Jay Leno

"Today, Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld announced he's stepping down. Rumsfeld said, 'I made the decision after it became clear that I couldn't do my job effectively--and then I waited three years.'" --Conan O'Brien

 

and I thought it was tough switching parties (transgender election)

"As a result of this week's election, the new Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, is now the most powerful woman in the country. After hearing this, Oprah Winfrey said, 'Yeah right.'." --Conan O'Brien

"Donald Rumsfeld was known as the architect of the Iraq war. He can feel proud of what he's built, because it's going to last for years and years and years." --Jay Leno

"It has not been a good week for the Republicans. Actually, this election was like a divorce -- they got rejected, insulted and lost the House." --Jay Leno

"In Hawaii, a transgendered woman, who was born a man, won a statewide election. After hearing about it, Joe Lieberman said, 'Wow and I thought it was tough switching parties.'." --Conan O'Brien