and I thought it was tough switching parties (transgender election)

"As a result of this week's election, the new Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, is now the most powerful woman in the country. After hearing this, Oprah Winfrey said, 'Yeah right.'." --Conan O'Brien

"Donald Rumsfeld was known as the architect of the Iraq war. He can feel proud of what he's built, because it's going to last for years and years and years." --Jay Leno

"It has not been a good week for the Republicans. Actually, this election was like a divorce -- they got rejected, insulted and lost the House." --Jay Leno

"In Hawaii, a transgendered woman, who was born a man, won a statewide election. After hearing about it, Joe Lieberman said, 'Wow and I thought it was tough switching parties.'." --Conan O'Brien

Cruz locks himself in a transgender bathroom and vows never come out

The Indiana primary was today and we’re this much closer to having a president who starts Twitter fights with Cher. –Jimmy Kimmel

Trump had a big win. Indiana is a basketball state. He’s worried that if he spent too much time there, people might try to grab his orange head and try to dribble it. –Jimmy Kimmel

Trump now leads Ted Cruz by 42 points, which is too many points. Is anybody else starting to feel bad for Ted Cruz? Poor guy probably wants to lock himself up in a transgender bathroom and never come out. –Jimmy Kimmel

Trump is trying to spread the tabloid story that Ted Cruz’s dad is somehow involved in the assassination of JFK. While I’m pretty sure Rafael Cruz didn’t have anything to do with the assassination of JFK, he does look like a James Bond villain from the Sean Connery era. –Jimmy Kimmel

Bradley Cooper was in the balcony with a rifle

"The FCC has delayed the decision on the Time/Warner Comcast merger. So how do you think those folks like being put on hold?" –David Letterman



"The Oscar telecast went smoothly. It helped that Bradley Cooper was in the balcony with a rifle in case any of the speeches went on too long." –Jimmy Kimmel

"New Defense Secretary Ashton Carter said that he is open to letting transgender people serve in the military. He said there's no reason to prevent people from being generals just because of their privates." –Jimmy Fallon