So far, the only person we can rule out is Billy Joel — he’s got an airtight alibi (jacked on enough cocaine to bring down a bison)

"It's been five years since the economic meltdown. And while even I used to be mad at Wall Street -- at this point, who can even remember who wired the global financial system to a roulette wheel, while jacked on enough cocaine to bring down a bison?" –Stephen Colbert

At the beginning of the speech, he listed some of the natural disasters we've endured this year. [clip of Trump] "We have endured floods and fires and storms." And Stormys! Don't forget her! She was one of the most expensive disasters for you, personally. --Stephen Colbert

“House Republicans assigned Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene of Georgia to the Education and Labor Committee this week. Oh, come on! The lady who denies school shootings is in charge of the schools? Why not just appoint Surgeon General Joe Camel? ‘Warning: Smoking can make you dangerously cool.’” —Stephen Colbert

“In the midst of the devastating California wildfires of 2018, Marjorie Taylor Greene went on Facebook and claimed that the real and hidden culprit behind the fire was a laser from space triggered by some nefarious group of people. Who started the fire? So far, the only person we can rule out is Billy Joel — he’s got an airtight alibi.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Billy Joel’s already working on a remix of ‘We Didn’t Start the Fire.’ (just to lighten the mood)

February 2022

“As you know, Russia is now at war with Ukraine. It is a crazy world we’re living in. In fact, today President Biden asked the C.D.C. to find a new variant just to lighten the mood.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Yep, Russian president Vladimir Putin has launched a full-scale invasion of Ukraine. I think Putin has lost his mind. Even Kim Jong-un was like, ‘You’re not actually supposed to do it.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Yeah, World War III, a global pandemic, the queen has Covid, rising inflation. Billy Joel’s already working on a remix of ‘We Didn’t Start the Fire.’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s too hot for turkey, so we’re just doing mashed potato smoothies (Actually, We Did Start the Fire)

September 2021

“Now it’s just normal for friends to show up to dinner in late September looking like they just ran a marathon. Pretty soon the traditional Thanksgiving feast is going to be replaced by a clothing-optional backyard barbecue. ‘It’s too hot for turkey, so we’re just doing mashed potato smoothies.’” —Seth Meyers

“This is how bad climate change is getting: wildfires in the West, floods in the East, freezing cold in Texas. Billy Joel’s going to have to write an update for 2021 and call it, ‘Actually, We Did Start the Fire.’” —Seth Meyers

“No one wants to think about sewage, but we all need to support the water infrastructure that supports us. Because waste disposal is vital to society and sanitation is a human right — unless you’re at an outdoor music festival, in which case, it’s a distant memory.” —Samantha Bee

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And now a dramatic reading from the Starr Report by John Voight and the remaining Oakridge Boy

November 2012

"Everyone is asking how this storm is going to affect the election. I think it’s given Obama momentum because of how he handled it. He approached it so differently than Bush; he showed up." –Bill Maher on Hurricane Sandy

"Obama's been getting bipartisan praise for how he handled the hurricane. Even Fox News tried to praise it. Of course, their heart's not in it. The best they could do was Pat Buchanan said, "You're doing a heck of a job, Brownie.'" –Bill Maher

"Tonight they're having a big benefit that is bothering Fox News on NBC for the victims, with all the stars from New York and New Jersey – Billy Joel, Bruce Springsteen, Bon Jovi. On FOX they said 'where are the conservative performers?' That's right, that's what would help so much. 'Thank you Bruce Springsteen. And now a dramatic reading from the Starr Report by John Voight and the remaining Oakridge Boy.'" –Bill Maher

"They also on Fox News questioned the timing of the benefit. They said, what's the rush? I know, when will liberals get it? Storm victims do not want food and blankets, they want answers about Benghazi." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They’re worried that calling them insurrectionists might hurt their feelings? (It’s kind of his thing, along with horses and nipples)

March 2021

“Someone dust off Dolph Lundgren and get him hunting for Red October because the Cold War is back on, baby, and this time we’re gonna waterboard Billy Joel until he tells us who started the fire. Putin is famous for being a killer. It’s kind of his thing, along with horses and nipples.” —Stephen Colbert

“He’s killed so many people that in 2017, The Washington Post was able to publish a list of 10 critics of Vladimir Putin who died violently or in suspicious ways. His greatest hits are hits.” —Stephen Colbert

“Over two months after the siege of the US Capitol by a pro-Trump mob, injuring 100 officers and killing one, the House voted on Wednesday to award congressional gold medals to Capitol police who defended the building and the lawmakers inside. It was a rare bipartisan vote to honor the men and women who protected our democracy. Nobody could ever oppose that – except for the 12 Republicans who opposed that. Eleven white men and the QAnon follower Marjorie Taylor Greene of Georgia – who objected to the use of the term ‘insurrectionists’ to describe the rioters as the legion of dumb. OK, you don’t like insurrectionist — how about ‘neck-beard fascist neo-Confederate tiny penis treason-humpers?’ These congressmen are a bunch of cowards. The mob came to kill them, and now they’re worried that calling them insurrectionists might hurt their feelings?” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A poet that belongs with the Masters. A magisterial collection. A combination of 

Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

That’s an embarrassing way to admit you’ve never heard of lightning (Billy Joel's Alibi)

January 2021

“House Republicans assigned Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene of Georgia to the Education and Labor Committee this week. Oh, come on! The lady who denies school shootings is in charge of the schools? Why not just appoint Surgeon General Joe Camel? ‘Warning: Smoking can make you dangerously cool.’” —Stephen Colbert

“In the midst of the devastating California wildfires of 2018, Marjorie Taylor Greene went on Facebook and claimed that the real and hidden culprit behind the fire was a laser from space triggered by some nefarious group of people. Who started the fire? So far, the only person we can rule out is Billy Joel — he’s got an airtight alibi.” —Stephen Colbert

“But claims like these require proof, right? Well, here’s Margie’s evidence: ‘Oddly, there are all these people who have said they saw what looked like lasers or blue beams of light causing the fires.’ That’s an embarrassing way to admit you’ve never heard of lightning.” —Stephen Colbert

“’And then the socialist lizard men shot jagged laser things out of the cloud. And that angered the sky so much it went ‘Roar!’ and the sky wept, and then, thanks to QAnon, the sky stopped crying and a rainbow appeared. And we shot it with our guns because rainbows are gay. The defense rests.’” —Stephen Colbert

“So where do these fictional space lasers come from? Well, according to Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene, it could have been a beam from ‘space solar generators.’ A ‘space solar generator.’ So, the sun?” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

New York state of mind (The American dollar is strong)

September 2011

"President Obama addressed the United Nations General Assembly. He opened up with a joke: 'The American dollar is strong.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"During a fundraiser in New York last night, President Obama said he was quote 'in a New York state of mind.' Of course, in a year he might be singing that other Billy Joel song, ''Movin' Out.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Steven Spielberg is going to release a biopic about Abraham Lincoln next year. Right, that's a good way to honor Lincoln – by sending people to the theater." –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

On the downside, he completely ruined Grandpa's birthday (And not 2,000 years too soon)

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo has canceled a trip to Greenland to return to Washington to deal with tensions with Iran. Iran? I didn't even know we were in tensions with Iran. All I knew was we were in the middle of a Constitutional crisis, a trade war with China is wreaking havoc on the stock market, North Korea is launching missiles, and all cable news is talking about is the freakin' royal baby. Iran? get in line. --Seth Meyers

Pope Francis has announced new rules designed to change how the Catholic Church deals with abuse accusations. And not 2,000 years too soon. --Seth Meyers

A man in Idaho recently broke a Guinness World Record after putting 100 lit candles into his mouth at the same time. On the downside, he completely ruined Grandpa's birthday. --Seth Meyers

Today was Billy Joel's 70th birthday, so congrats to the original Avenger, Piano Man. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

He's going to stop making insensitive racial slurs and start focusing on beating the Redskins (one of them is Billy Joel)

Yesterday Dallas head coach Bill Parcells apologized for making an insensitive remark about Japanese people. In his apology Parcells said I'm going to stop making insensitive racial slurs and start focusing on beating the Redskins. --Conan O’Brien 6/8/2004

Despite record gas prices more than 36 million people are expected to hit the roads over Memorial Day weekend. 36 million people. The scary part is one of them is Billy Joel. --Conan O’Brien 5/28/2004

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Just a little something to take the edge off, Ma (even if your voice shakes)

Billy Joel will host the re-election fundraiser for New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo next month, with tickets starting at $5,000. That's ridiculous. If you want to spend $5,000 to see Billy Joel, just pay his bail after a DUI. --Seth Meyers

According to a new report, legal marijuana sales in Colorado have seen a plateau in growth. Apparently, people are still going to the marijuana stores, but they can't remember why they went in. --Seth Meyers

New York's State Assembly is considering a new bill that would legalize alcoholic ice cream. "That's great news," said a five-year-old having a rough day. “Just a little something to take the edge off, Ma.” --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”