Finding a job for Kamala Harris (The winner of the election will be...)

The trailer for Mission Impossible 8 just premiered. In this latest installment, Tom Cruise faces his most impossible mission yet. Finding a job for Kamala Harris. —Greg Gutfeld

So in 2024, the republicans control the presidency, the senate and the house. The only things that the democrats still control is Rashida Tlaib’s shock collar. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Pro-capitalists call this freedom (Wait, I Just Shoved It in My Pants)

April 2023

“There were two government scandals from the weekend. First, the leak of classified US intelligence documents, which first appeared on a Discord server weeks ago. According to one investigator, ‘this sh*t was sitting in a Minecraft Discord server for a month and no one noticed’. So national secrets were on a video game chat? Turns out the nuclear launch codes were up up, down down, right, B, A, start.” —Stephen Colbert

“To make matters weirder, the leaked documents were not uploaded. Rather, photos were posted of crumpled documents, as if they’d been hastily folded up and shoved into a pocket. That’s it? The technology was ‘put in pocket’? The movies make stealing national secrets look so much harder. Get ready for the new Tom Cruise movie, Mission Impossible – Wait, I Just Shoved It in My Pants.” —Stephen Colbert

“Posting in all caps on Truth Social, the former president Trump wished a ‘Happy Easter to all, including those that dream endlessly of destroying our country because they are incapable of dreaming of anything else’ among other campaign messages about the wall, socialists, Marxists and communists. What a warm and lovely man he is. Instead of license plates in jail, they should have him write greeting cards. I think that would be a better use of his gifts. At this point, Donald Trump’s brain is basically a bowl of microwaved Peeps.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He’s even brave enough to put his dirty shoes on a Black woman’s couch (hanging off a 163-story building)

December 2020

“Now some people are saying this is a bad look for Tom Cruise, but I disagree. Because, yeah, he’s mad, but it’s for a good cause. It’s like getting recorded screaming, ‘You guys are in big trouble if we don’t get these toys to the children’s hospital! I want to see happy kids, or you’ll never work in this town again!’ You’re angry, but for the right reason.” — Trevor Noah

“But for real, if anything, this should teach people just how serious this corona [expletive] is, because, remember, Tom Cruise is not scared of anything. This dude hangs off the side of a plane like it was any other Tuesday. He’s even brave enough to put his dirty shoes on a Black woman’s couch.” — Trevor Noah

“Yeah, wow. If Tom Cruise worked in the White House we could have had the vaccine back in April.” — Jimmy Fallon

“For the last nine months, that’s pretty much how Dr. Fauci has felt on the inside.” — Jimmy Fallon

“What’s amazing is when Tom delivered that rant he was hanging off a 163-story building.” — Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which, to be fair, are hard to see, because they’re ghost protocols (Tom Cruise does all of his own rants)

December 2020

“While he was on set, Tom Cruise noticed two members — two crew members standing too close to one another in front of a computer screen, violating the movie’s strict Covid-19 safety protocols. Which, to be fair, are hard to see, because they’re ghost protocols.” — Stephen Colbert, on Tom Cruise’s on-set Covid-19 rant

“Now, as intense as that sounds — and it does sound intense — that’s just the audio. He said all of that while halo jumping from a C-17 onto the minute hand of Big Ben. Yes, Tom Cruise does all of his own rants.” — Stephen Colbert

“Now, the recording goes on for more than three minutes. Much like the ‘Mission: Impossible’ franchise itself, it gets kind of repetitive, but it never lets up on the adrenaline.” — Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Even Trump was like, “Why can’t this guy think before he speaks?” (What is start drinking at noon?)

The new “Mission: Impossible” won the box office this weekend, bringing in over $60 million. They’ve already come up with the plot for the next “Mission: Impossible” — getting Rudy Giuliani to stop talking. --Jimmy Fallon

Giuliani has been doing lots of interviews trying to defend President Trump with the Russia investigation. Today he said that collusion isn’t illegal. Even Trump was like, “Why can’t this guy think before he speaks?” --Jimmy Fallon

Alex Trebek is hinting that he might retire from “Jeopardy!” in 2020. When asked what he’ll do in retirement, Trebek said, “What is start drinking at noon?” --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It was a great night for O.J.! (Samsung: The hover board of cellphones)

Other slogans: "Samsung: This message will self-destruct in five seconds." That kind of makes you feel like James Bond, or "Mission Impossible." Finally, we have: "Samsung: The hover board of cellphones." –Jimmy Fallon

Edward Snowden said this week that the public would be worse off if he hadn't revealed that the NSA was tracking people's phone conversations. While the public tried to remember the last time they actually had a phone conversation. 2003, maybe? –Jimmy Fallon

One of the big winners at last night's Emmys was "The People v. O.J. Simpson." I gotta say, there’s nothing better than checking out the news and hearing, "It was a great night for O.J.!" –Conan O’Brien

Chris Christie really wants those two spots

Jeb Bush's campaign and the super PACs supporting him have raised more than $120 million so far. In fact, Jeb's campaign was this weekend's second highest grossing "Mission: Impossible." –Jimmy Fallon

Chris Christie, John Kasich, and Rick Perry are currently fighting for the final two spots in Thursday's Republican debate. It's going to be tough – Chris Christie really wants those two spots. –Jimmy Fallon

I heard ME say it just now. So it's gotta be true.

Tom Cruise is here to promote the new "Mission: Impossible" movie, which I believe is all about Donald Trump's PR team. –Jimmy Fallon

In a speech in Texas, Donald Trump called Hillary Clinton “easily the worst Secretary of State in the history of our country.” When asked what he based that on, Trump said, "I heard ME say it just now. So it's gotta be true.” –Jimmy Fallon