On the formula for
allocating Homeland Security anti-terror grants: "It's believed to be the
total population of your city divided by square mileage times Baptists over
synagogues divided by the square root of the number of Waffle Houses over
swimming holes. All that times the ratio of guns to Spanish language radio
stations times zero. Plus, whether or not where you live voted for Bush. To
most Americans, New York isn't even in America. It's more like part of
'Gayjewistan.' If you want to truly preserve the iconic American community, you
have to throw money at a certain small town -- a place where everyone knows
their neighbor, where you can leave your doors unlocked without fear, where
hard work and traditional values are all that stands between you and a better
life. It doesn't exist, but it just got $500 million from Michael
Chertoff." --Daily Show correspondent Rob Corddry
"Good news -- the
price of gasoline continues to fall. It's dropped 15 cents over the last two
weeks. Gas prices have dropped so much that Dick Cheney was put on suicide
watch." --Jay Leno
"The
big story still is the big terror plot foiled in Britain. Earlier today, a top
official in England said, 'Britain is living through its most frightening time
since the second World War.' Of course, he wasn't counting that three-year run
by the Spice Girls." --Conan O'Brien
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