Just behind Bobby Jindal and just ahead of a gun wearing a cowboy hat

"New research shows marijuana is by far the least dangerous recreational drug. Studies have shown again and again that it leads to virtually no recreation. That's how safe it is." –Seth Meyers



"A new CBS News poll shows Chris Christie is ranked ninth out of all Republican presidential candidates. He's just behind Bobby Jindal and just ahead of a gun wearing a cowboy hat." –Seth Meyers



"Boston's city council is considering increasing its alcohol tax. The plan would raise an estimated $900 million billion trillion." –Seth Meyers


A grizzly with the munchies

"Alaska today officially legalized marijuana for recreational use. I think they did this years ago. That's how the Palin kids ended up with those names, right?" –Jimmy Kimmel



"Alaska does have some special rules. You're not allowed to smoke marijuana in public, and you have to follow special disposal rules. You can't just throw a joint in the trash. The last thing you want is a grizzly with the munchies." –Jimmy Kimmel

Bradley Cooper was in the balcony with a rifle

"The FCC has delayed the decision on the Time/Warner Comcast merger. So how do you think those folks like being put on hold?" –David Letterman



"The Oscar telecast went smoothly. It helped that Bradley Cooper was in the balcony with a rifle in case any of the speeches went on too long." –Jimmy Kimmel

"New Defense Secretary Ashton Carter said that he is open to letting transgender people serve in the military. He said there's no reason to prevent people from being generals just because of their privates." –Jimmy Fallon



The top two happiest states are..

"Gallup, the polling company, released its annual well-being index where they rank the health and happiness of residents of each of the 50 states. Alaska finished first and Hawaii was No. 2. It's interesting that the top two happiest states are the ones that are farthest away from the rest of us." –Jimmy Kimmel


"President Obama is giving fourth graders and their families free admission to parks for a year. You can tell kids don't get outside enough, because the last time they saw a sunset they said, 'Hey, there's that thing I saw on Instagram.'" –Jimmy Fallon

He sure sounds presidentiary to me

"Yesterday during a speech on national security, Jeb Bush mispronounced Boko Haram and got confused between Iran and Iraq. When reached for comment, his brother George W. said, 'He sure sounds presidentiary to me.'" –Conan O'Brien



"Do you know who is ready to go with the presidential campaign? Jeb Bush. Jeb already has plans to end the war in Iraq that his brother started. All he needs is a hot tub time machine." –David Letterman



Jeb is well on his way to winning the White House

"Jeb Bush gave a speech yesterday. He had a pretty rough time. He accidentally said that ISIS has 200,000 men instead of 20,000, and then he mispronounced the name of the terrorist group Boko Haram. So if history has taught us anything, Jeb is well on his way to winning the White House." –Jimmy Fallon



"During a trial in Brooklyn this week, it was revealed that a member of al-Qaida posed as a woman to attract less attention from authorities. It would have worked better if he had remembered to shave his beard." –Jimmy Fallon



Christie was spotted at JCPenney, trying on pantsuits

"Last night during a speech, Chris Christie said, 'There's only one Chris Christie, and this is it.' I don't know. It still looks like at least two." –Seth Meyers



"A recent poll shows that New Jersey residents feel Hillary Clinton has the 'right look' to be president, while Chris Christie does not. Then today, Christie was spotted at JCPenney, trying on pantsuits." –Seth Meyers



"Ukrainian officials say that while Vladimir Putin was announcing a ceasefire agreement today, over a hundred Russian military vehicles and weapons crossed into Ukrainian territory. Said Putin, 'Is not Ukraine. Is My-kraine.'" –Seth Meyers