I won't mention you coming home late, if you don't mention me coming home late

"North Korea has ballistic missile capability. Well fortunately, they're in the hands of a stable guy: Kim Jong Il, his father ment-il-ly ill." --David Letterman

"How many of you remember former President  Bill Clinton? Since he was president, he's been out doing public speaking. You can hire him to come to your banquet or church group or your function. President Clinton will come and he will speak. Making these speeches, he's made seven and a half million dollars. Isn't it amazing? It was, of course, all reported -- not like the old days when he did business under the table." --David Letterman

"According to a poll in Health Magazine, more Americans said they'd rather have Bill Clinton as their father than President Bush. Well sure, with Clinton you get away with a lot more, don't you think? 'Look, I won't mention you coming home late, if you don't mention me coming home late.'" --Jay Leno

No word yet on the mental (LFD-biochemical cream)

"Good news from the White House. President Bush last week had his annual physical and he passed. He passed his annual physical. No word yet on the mental." --David Letterman

 "According to a series of just published letters that Albert Einstein sent to his second wife, he had ten mistresses. He would send his wife letters about his mistresses and then ask her for advice. Or as Bill Clinton called him, 'a trailblazer, a pioneer.'" --Jay Leno

"This Taepo-Dong could be horrific. Millions could die from this Dong. A veritable Dong-ocaust. By creating lethal weapons with very silly names, they're making their growing military might seem hilariously innocuous. And you know our president -- you mention Taepo Dong at a national security briefing, and he's taking a two-hour ride on the giggle train. It's not just the Taepo-Dong. Did you know Kim's working on neutron explosive that burns you from the inside out, leaving you a charred husk of flesh? It's called Long Fat ****. Worst of all, when it blows up, it spreads a deadly biochemical cream of sum yung guy" --Daily Show correspondent Rob Corddry

trying to sell more lemonade in Times Square than Gary Busey

The giant meteor hitting the Earth polled particularly well among independent voters, and unsurprisingly, poorly amongst dinosaurs. –Stephen Colbert

Now Trump might be getting a boost in the polls because sources say Trump is vetting Chris Christie as a potential running mate. Christie would definitely help Trump win voters in New Jersey, who are anxious to get rid of Chris Christie. –Stephen Colbert

The source claims Christie has begun the official vetting process, which I believe means trying to sell more lemonade in Times Square than Gary Busey. –Stephen Colbert

Trump has been nothing but nice to them (giant destructive orange balls)

Donald Trump is upset today because so many of his former Republican rivals have not endorsed him. He says he feels like he is running against two parties because none of the guys have jumped in to lend their support. Which makes no sense at all. Donald Trump has been nothing but nice to them. –Jimmy Kimmel

At this point, the Republican Party is like the scientists at "Jurassic Park." Now, it's going to eat us. –Jimmy Kimmel

Thirty-eight percent for Trump, 13 percent for a meteor, which adds up to 51 percent of the people are OK with the world coming to an end. Two giant destructive orange balls. –Stephen Colbert

Trump is planning to feed Jeb Bush to his dragons (a somber holiday)

Last year, two NFL players lost fingers setting off fireworks. That's not a joke. A player for the Buccaneers and a player for the Giants blew their fingers off, which is awful. But it's a good reminder, if you go play with fireworks, play soccer. –Jimmy Kimmel

Not only is July Fourth a dangerous weekend for athletes, it's the scariest time of year for mannequins. Every news channel, they get the mannequins out of Macy's and Sears, and blow their limbs off, all in the name of fireworks safety. It's a somber holiday for them. –Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump says what they're doing is disgraceful and there should be consequences for it. What consequences? I don't know. Maybe he is planning to feed Jeb Bush to his dragons. –Jimmy Kimmel

Obama is trying to figure out where to live if Trump wins

Netflix may expand their service to China. So finally, kids in China will be able to watch shows on the devices they made. –Conan O’Brien

Yesterday President Obama met with the leaders of Mexico and Canada. Obama said he’s trying to figure out where to live if Trump wins. –Conan O’Brien

Fourth of July, of course, is when we celebrate our breaking away from England. And after this week, it’s starting to seem like England can’t keep a relationship going. –Conan O’Brien

today Hillary was endorsed by the CEO of PornHub (loud leaf blower)

New York City is officially making its public bathrooms gender-neutral. So next time you try to use a public bathroom in New York, there could be either a man or a woman living in it. –Conan O’Brien

Hillary Clinton has unveiled a technology plan that would offer broadband Internet access to all Americans. Which is why today Hillary was endorsed by the CEO of PornHub. –Conan O’Brien

Nancy Grace is leaving Headline News in October. The network announced she will be replaced by an especially loud leaf blower. –Conan O’Brien