Preparing for Romney by debating an ATM machine

"Paul Ryan now says that President Obama's foreign policy has 'blown up in his face' and it's time to go back to the Republican foreign policy. Well, let's see, Obama kept Guantanamo Bay open, the troops are still overseas, and the Middle East hates us. Isn't that the Republican foreign policy?" –Jay Leno 

 

"The presidential debate is on Wednesday. Mitt Romney has been preparing for the debate by debating a Republican senator who plays the part of President Obama. Meanwhile, President Obama has been preparing for Romney by debating an ATM machine." –Conan O'Brien



"Arnold Schwarzenegger was on '60 Minutes' promoting his book. He said you can't run from your mistakes. You have to confront them. Yeah, especially if they look exactly like you and keep calling you dad." –Conan O'Brien 

It's like being a Kardashian husband

"Here's another blow to the Romney campaign. Earlier today, that empty chair endorsed Obama" –David Letterman 



"Mitt Romney is doing what he can. He's trying very hard. He wants to unite America, the rich with the wealthy, the poor with the indigent, and the white with the Caucasian." –David Letterman



"The presidential debates begin on Wednesday. Romney has taken two days off to prepare. They're going to have practice debates. They're going to do that for two days, and another full day of spray tanning, and he'll be ready to go." –David Letterman



"These debates are tightly controlled. Each side, Obama and Romney, had to agree to 32 pages of rules. It's like being a Kardashian husband." –David Letterman 

I bet this guy's always in a bad mah-mood

"Ahmadinejad is always shooting his mouth off, ranting about this, ranting about that. I said to myself, 'I bet this guy's always in a bad mah-mood.'" –David Letterman



"Mitt Romney's campaign is $11 million in debt. This is the guy that's going to fix our economy?" –David Letterman

"It's rumored that in a recent Univision interview, Mitt Romney wore makeup to appeal to Latino voters. I can't wait to see Romney's appearance on BET." –Conan O'Brien



He's already surged past Mitt Romney in the polls

"A new book claims the reason Texas Gov. Rick Perry did so terrible in the debates and forgot everything was due to a sleep disorder. Apparently the disorder was he slept through grade school, high school and college." –Jay Leno



"The president of Iran is in New York today. President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is visiting the U.N. He's been in America one day and he's already surged past Mitt Romney in the polls." –Craig Ferguson

"A new poll found that Mitt Romney is behind in Florida by 1 percent. Which is weird because if there’s one group that loves Romney, it’s definitely the 1 percent." –Jimmy Fallon 

Romney claims 47 percent of Americans as dependents

"Mitt Romney on Friday released his 2011 tax returns, which showed he paid 14 percent rate, so just a little less than what restaurants add on for parties of six or more." –Seth Meyers



"The 14 percent tax rate Romney paid is less than the 20 percent paid by the average American. How does he pay such a low rate? He claims 47 percent of Americans as dependents." –Seth Meyers



"In an interview Thursday, Ann Romney responded to criticism of her husband's presidential campaign, saying, 'Stop it. This is hard. You want to try it? Get in the ring.' In response, the interviewer entered the race, and is leading Mitt Romney by five points." –Seth Meyers



Then they had to explain to him what running out of money means

"Mitt Romney just released a new campaign ad aimed at seniors too. It's called, 'Least we can do' — named after how much he plans on doing for seniors." –Jimmy Fallon

"New documents show that Mitt Romney's campaign is $11 million in debt. First Romney's advisers had to explain that he was running out of money. Then they had to explain to him what running out of money means." –Jimmy Fallon



"A new poll says 75 percent of Americans feel little or no personal connection to Mitt Romney. And it gets worse. The poll was of his family." –Craig Ferguson

If Romney gets any darker he's not going to vote for himself

"It's been a rough week for Mitt Romney. Former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty has quit as co-chair of Mitt Romney's presidential campaign. I think the technical term is 'jumping ship.'" –Jay Leno



"I saw a guy today scraping a Romney bumper sticker off his car. It was Paul Ryan." –Jay Leno



"A lot of people are commenting that Mitt Romney is looking extremely tan lately. In fact, if Romney gets any darker he's not going to vote for himself." –Conan O'Brien