He inspired the Mojidiot (Trump's Mt. Rushmore image)

"One of the candidates, Abdullah Abdullah, has dropped out of the running, and they think now his dumb son is thinking about running, Abdullah W. Abdullah." --David Letterman

"This is not the first time a president has inspired a cocktail. We have the Obamarita. And remember George W. Bush? He inspired the Mojidiot." --David Letterman

"The Republicans in Congress voted no on the minimum wage. Wow, that's not the Republicans I know. I think they're confused. We're supposed to apply the economic sanctions to the Russians." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So this is like sending flowers to the funeral of somebody you just murdered (Future generations: I’m so, so sorry)

Donald Trump donated the first three months of his presidential salary to the National Park Service. That tremor you just felt was all four presidents on Mount Rushmore rolling their eyes. Trump is also the one who wants to cut funding to the national parks. So this is like sending flowers to the funeral of somebody you just murdered. –James Corden

This week, the National Archives reached out to the White House and requested that all of the president’s tweets be saved and preserved for history. Future generations: I’m so, so sorry. –James Corden

The NCAA tournament continues, and according to a new study, the tournament leads to a 30% increase in vasectomies. Apparently men schedule the procedure so that they can recover while watching basketball. It is the one time of the year that everyone is thinking about their Gonzagas. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Stop! You are all under arrest (I see you, Bush)

March 2022

“President Volodymyr Zelensky of Ukraine addressed Congress by video link on Wednesday, pleading for more help in his country’s fight against Russia. Yeah, that’s right, Zelensky brought out all of America’s major moments: ‘I have a dream,’ 9/11, Mount Rushmore. You know he was on Wikipedia last night planning this out: [imitating Zelensky] ‘OK, Pearl Harbor, Boston Tea Party — should I mention Hulk Hogan sex tape, maybe?” —Trevor Noah

“And by the way, props to him, I mean he knows way more about America than most U.S. senators know about his country. Like, can you imagine how they would sound if they had to give an inspiring speech using Ukrainian history? [imitating U.S. senator] ‘Uh, people of Ukraine, remember the vision of your founder — I want to say Daniel Ukraine?’” —Trevor Noah

“I’m also impressed that Zelensky was able to dodge so many land mines in his research, because you realize this could have gone very wrong: [imitating Zelensky] ‘And now to 9/11, which as we all know from YouTube was inside job. I see you, Bush.’” —Trevor Noah

“Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky delivered a virtual address to Congress this morning and received a standing ovation, making him the first comedian to actually deserve one.” —Seth Meyers

“You know it is powerful when that many old people jump to their feet. There are knees in that room that were alive during the Roosevelt administration.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Just in case you were confused on how we got here (Vince Lombardi hologram)

February 2021

“Yeah, Tom Brady has cemented his place on the sports Mount Rushmore, alongside Michael Jordan, Muhammad Ali and that fan who took a home run ball to the chest to save his beers.” —Jimmy Fallon

“What a weekend for the people of Tampa. Forty-eight hours of nonstop drinking and partying in the streets — and then the Super Bowl.” —Jimmy Fallon

“While the teams did their best to make the game itself safe-ish, the after-party on the streets of Tampa was a different story. Because following the Bucs’ blowout victory, hordes of maskless fans partied hearty, in a foolhardy display that can only be described as ‘Florida.’” —Stephen Colbert

“Yeah, they partied hard in Tampa. One girl was so drunk, she made out with the Vince Lombardi hologram.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A poet that belongs with the Masters. A magisterial collection. A combination of 

Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Who was the guy who told the NFL to ban the players who kneeled? (Trump’s phone became a $2,000 flashlight)

January 2021

“Many in Trumpland believe that it’s wrong to encourage a corporation to ban someone for their political statements. Which, oh wait — who was the guy who told the N.F.L. to ban the players who kneeled? Oh, that was Donald Trump? I guess that was different.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump started this year thinking he should be on Mount Rushmore, now he can’t even get on Instagram.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Right now, Trump’s phone is stuffed into a pile of rice after being drenched with tears.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Seriously, in one weekend, Trump’s phone became a $2,000 flashlight.” —Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

caught stirring guacamole with your skateboard (The Rescue Plan)

 

August 2020

“I think we should put Trump on Mount Rushmore, but not a carving. I think we should actually put him on Mount Rushmore — no phone, no internet, problem solved.” —Trevor Noah

“And even if there was a process to get on Mount Rushmore, I am pretty sure presiding over the preventable deaths of 160,000 Americans and the worst economic crash since the Great Depression would be disqualifying. That’s like asking your boss at Chipotle when you’re getting your employee-of-the-month plaque after you get caught stirring guacamole with your skateboard.” —Seth Meyers

“Besides, I’m pretty sure the other presidents would be weirded out having Trump next to them. They’d all scooch over to one side of the mountain like passengers on the F train after a dude takes a dump.” —Seth Meyers

“Turns out a fifth president can’t be added to Mount Rushmore because the rocks around it are unstable. Actually, the more I think about it, having something unstable means he’s already a part of Mount Rushmore.” —Jimmy Fallon

“I think Trump’s wasting his time at Mount Rushmore. If he wants something carved into rock that looks like him, the orange hue of the Grand Canyon is a much better option.” —Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Congress has a line of credit with China for up to $14.3 trillion (it was just the Metamucil talking)

June 2011

"Sarah Palin has canceled the rest of her bus trip around America. She had to quit before she got to Mount Rushmore and somebody asked her to name the Presidents.” –Jay Leno

"Senator John McCain is in a bit of hot water after he made an unsubstantiated claim that illegal immigrants caused the Arizona wildfires. He kind of backtracked today. Now he's saying it was just the Metamucil talking." –Jay Leno

"John McCain made his claim that illegal immigrants started the Arizona wildfires without doing his research. The last time he did that we got Sarah Palin.” -Jay Leno

"It has now been revealed that Newt Gingrich had a second line of credit at Tiffany's for up to a million dollars. That sounds like a lot until you remember that Congress has a line of credit with China for up to $14.3 trillion." –Jay Leno

"More bad news for Newt Gingrich. One week after his campaign staff quit, his campaign finance team quit. In fact, Newt was going to pull out of the race, but today the guy who writes his concession speeches quit. He can't do anything." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I don't always trust politicians, but when I do... (Ooops, I've compromised national security)

"Tony Blair meets with the Pope, hopefully he'll get the Swiss Guard deployed to Iraq. Plus, the administration considers closing Gitmo, I assume because it's cheaper to store our prisoners in India." --Stephen Colbert

"Over the weekend, the President Bush kick-started the Holiday Season by pre-taping his appearance for ABC's Christmas Galleria. I believe the Constitution declares him the Christian in Chief. So to everyone who criticizes the president for not firing Alberto Gonzales, give him a break, you can't fire a guy at Christmas." --Stephen Colbert

"The Associated Press has reported that the Bush administration may close the prison at Guantanamo Bay. I know, it's like closing Mount Rushmore -- in that there's a secret prison inside Teddy Roosevelt's mouth. Ooops, I've compromised national security." --Stephen Colbert

A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-

collected-poems-1985-2015.html

This place is a real dump! (Oh crap, the kids!)

"The Today Show" just featured a group of moms in California who said that smoking weed makes them better parents. When asked if their kids agree, the moms were like, "Oh crap, the kids!" –Jimmy Fallon

Scientists just discovered that millions of years ago, flowers had both male and female parts. As a result, President Trump has banned those flowers from serving in the military. –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #repealreplacerepublicans #FeeltheBern #Bernie2020 @BrandNew535 @justicedems 

one day we will have a movie where Nicolas Cage tries to steal that tweet

The National Archives will showcase all the great pillars of American democracy — the Declaration of Independence, the U.S. Constitution, and the “I have never seen a thin person drinking Diet Coke” tweet. –James Corden

On the bright side, one day we will have a movie where Nicolas Cage tries to steal that tweet. –James Corden

Donald Trump donated the first three months of his presidential salary to the National Park Service. That tremor you just felt was all four presidents on Mount Rushmore rolling their eyes. –James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #JusticeDemocrats #Bernie2020

Say Bob, is Barack Obama black? I don't know. Ask Phil, he follows politics (the p---- card)

"How many saw the Republican debate last night? Wow!  Mitt Romney last night in Florida played the p---- card against the Clintons. It's only January and he's not even the candidate. He said the idea of Bill Clinton back in the White House with nothing to do. Now that is a man who wants to be president. He is telling the Republican base, 'You know what? These other posers up here with me, they may have forgotten about the sauce on the blue dress, but I, Ward Cleaver, have not. I am Mitt Romney, Mormon android and I will say whatever you program me to say. I will run on a platform of stopping illegal immigrants from having sex with Bill Clinton until the surge has succeeded.'" --Bill Maher

"On the Democratic side, that's where the real soap opera is. Not that the Clintons always bring the drama. The pundits are now saying that Bill Clinton is down there in South Carolina playing the bad cop, while the two strippers are dressed up as nurses. No, no. He's playing the bad cop because apparently the pundits say he has injected race into the campaign to let people know that Obama is the black candidate. You mean before that people hadn't noticed? Say Bob, is Barack Obama black? I don't know. Ask Phil, he follows politics." --Bill Maher

I pray he doesn't have one more giant f--- up in him (Mount Liesmore)

"This week marked the one-year-left point in the Bush presidency. Folks, I'm with you, but stop cheering. He is still allowed to touch things. I pray he doesn't have one more giant f--- up in him, because, you know, he does keep trying. He tried to screw up Social Security, right? He tried to appoint his cleaning lady to the Supreme Court. He tried to get a war cry going to attack Iran. It's not like he's going to quit. He's going to be the worst president ever to the very last minute of the very last day. So I'm still nervous about this last year. I have the same feeling about this last year of his in office as I have when I'm on the highway and I have to go to the bathroom and I just passed a sign that says 'Next Rest Stop: 28 miles.'" --Bill Maher

"Fred Thompson dropped out of the race. Critics said he ran somewhat of a lackluster campaign. That may be a little bit true. His campaign slogan was 'Tanned, Rested And In Remission.'" --Bill Maher

Trump has a job for Mitt Romney after all! (Mormon tabernacle choir)

We're a little over two weeks from Trump's inauguration. Typically, you've got a bunch of stars there at the inauguration to perform for the new president. Reagan had Frank Sinatra, Clinton had Fleetwood Mac, George W. Bush had Ricky Martin, Obama had Beyonce. So, obviously, for Trump, everybody who's anybody is going to be there, except for anybody. Because he's having a wee bit of trouble getting famous acts to perform. –Stephen Colbert

Turns out the Mormon tabernacle choir is scheduled to perform, but over the weekend, a choir member resigned because she didn't want to perform for Trump. Now the choir needs to fill that empty spot with a Mormon who has free time and can sing — Trump has a job for Mitt Romney after all! –Stephen Colbert

Bill and Hillary Clinton will attend Trump's inauguration. I think that's very nice that she's being a gracious loser. And if you count the popular vote, a gracious winner. –Stephen Colbert

he has the same hair as an extra on The Walking Dead

Donald Trump says that by the 100th day of his presidency the wall on the border of Mexico will be designed, the immigration ban on Muslims will be in place, the four horsemen will be scheduled to appear. He'll get to work chiseling Roosevelt's face on Mount Rushmore and replacing it with his own. –Jimmy Kimmel

We drink on St. Patty's Day for the Irish. We drink on Oktoberfest for the Germans, and we drink on Thanksgiving to forget what we did to Native Americans. –Stephen Colbert

Trump has graciously said that he's willing to consider some of his previous Republican rivals [for vice president], as long as they don't remember any of the things he said about them. So we might be looking at the ticket of "Trump/Liar '16,” "Trump/Low Energy '16,” "Trump/A Face Like That '16,” and "Trump/Lil’ Sweaty Guy '16." All winning tickets. –Stephen Colbert

But there's one candidate who remained standing: Bernie Sanders. Bernie scored a huge upset victory that raised his campaign from the grave. Which explains why he has the same hair as an extra on “The Walking Dead.” –Stephen Colbert

It was just the Metamucil talking

"That's pretty amazing. The baby stopped crying as soon as the president held it. Obama should try that with John Boehner." –Jay Leno



"Sarah Palin has canceled the rest of her bus trip around America. She had to quit before she got to Mount Rushmore and somebody asked her to name the Presidents.” –Jay Leno



"Senator John McCain is in a bit of hot water after he made an unsubstantiated claim that illegal immigrants caused the Arizona wildfires. He kind of backtracked today. Now he's saying it was just the Metamucil talking." –Jay Leno