"President Bush celebrated Cinco de Mayo a day early today. He would normally do it tomorrow, but Friday is his day off." --Jimmy Kimmel
"President Bush is beating the August heat the same way he always does -- with a vacation on his ranch in Texas. He got there yesterday. This will be his shortest vacation since he's taken office. Usually he takes a full month, this time around because of the wars and everything, only ten days. I guess he's saving up the personal days so he can skip the last three months of his presidency." --Jimmy Kimmel
"I’m surprised Donald Trump isn’t investigating whether Hawaii is an official state. A lot of vowels over there and not enough consonants." –Jimmy Kimmel
“Sarah Palin has written two books, her daughter Bristol has a book coming out – and now Levi Johnston is writing one too. Who would’ve ever guessed that America’s greatest literary dynasty would come out of an igloo?" –Jimmy Kimmel
"Levi and the publisher already have a title worked out for the book. It’s called 'I Need Money' by Levi Johnston.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic.
A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”
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