One-third are still laughing at the word poll

"I heard that Rob Ford's nephew is planning to run for a seat on the Toronto City Council. He has an interesting campaign slogan: 'I'm adopted!'" –Jimmy Fallon



"According to a new poll, two-thirds of people in Colorado think it should be illegal to smoke marijuana in public, while the other one-third are still laughing at the word 'poll.'" –Seth Meyers

"You can tell this drought is getting really bad. Today at lunch, my waiter asked if I wanted a glass of water or a future for my children. I took the water." –Conan O'Brien



We're going to attack you, but first you should eat

"Before the incursion that started yesterday the Israeli's agreed to a five hour cease fire so the Palestinians could get supplies and food - how Jewish is that? 'We're going to attack you, but first you should eat.'" –Bill Maher



"Marvel Comics announced that the next Captain America will be black. He has the same powers as white Captain America except he has to show ID when he votes." –Bill Maher



"Edward Snowden is back with yet another spying scandal. In a new interview, Snowden revealed that NSA employees regularly pass around nude pictures of people they spy on. It got even weirder when German Chancellor Angela Merkel said, 'So, vat do you think?'" –Jimmy Fallon



That's like leaving the house without pants...

"Today is the 30th anniversary of the National Minimum Drinking Age Act, which raised the drinking age to 21. Also turning 30 today: a 16-year-old boy, according to his fake ID." –Seth Meyers



"A federal judge ruled yesterday that California's version of the death penalty is unconstitutional. Apparently the difference is California's version has avocado on it." –Seth Meyers



"Even though both Israel and Hamas fired on one another during the five-hour humanitarian period yesterday, the U.N. secretary general said both sides 'mostly respected' the cease-fire. That's like leaving the house without pants and saying you're 'mostly dressed.'" –Seth Meyers

Real Housewives of the Vatican

"Chris Christie warned against presidential candidates running too soon. Then earthquake experts warned Chris Christie against running at all. 'Cities just aren't equipped to deal with it.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"People love the new Pope, but I think it's safe to say he's gone crazy. Now he's thinking about doing away with celibacy for priests. Are you like me? Are you thinking 'Real Housewives of the Vatican?'" –David Letterman
 


"I don't know if this is a good idea or not. Do you really want a priest showing up for the last rites with a date?" –David Letterman



Hey, my record slurs for itself

Today is National Hammock Day. And just like a hammock, I can't get into it. —Seth Meyers

The 17-year-old daughter of one of the "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" was arrested today for DUI and driving on a suspended license. She's expected to receive 12 months of probation and a spinoff. —Seth Meyers

"This week, our pal Rob Ford faced off against his four challengers in a debate for Toronto mayor. His opponents were, of course, pretty critical of his performance, but Ford said, 'Hey, my record slurs for itself.'" –Jimmy Fallon



Someone confused her horse's urine sample with Prince Harry's

These huge white flags were placed on top of the Brooklyn Bridge. And late this afternoon, word came from the FBI that the New York Mets have surrendered.—Craig Ferguson

Happy birthday to England's Prince George, who turns 1 today. The prince’s first birthday party was a little different. His bouncy castle was an actual castle. And the pony rides were on Camilla. —Craig Ferguson

Queen Elizabeth's horse tested positive for morphine and a mix of other powerful drugs. Sources say the queen is in denial. She thinks someone confused her horse's urine sample with Prince Harry's. —Craig Ferguson

To your right you'll see a fire-breathing dragon

A JetBlue pilot was arrested this week and charged with heroin possession. Passengers could tell something was up when, during their flight, he announced, "To your left you'll see the Grand Canyon, and to your right you'll see a fire-breathing dragon." —Jimmy Fallon

A professor from U.C. Berkeley said we are on track for having the worst drought in 500 years. Which explains why Larry King was overheard saying, "This again?"—Conan O’Brien

Netflix is testing a new feature that will allow you to hide what you've been watching. You just click the button and it says, I want to stay married. —Conan O’Brien