He was immediately shoved out of the way by Governor Chris Christie

"A new study estimates that Colorado residents will legally smoke more than 2 million ounces of marijuana next year. That's like a reggae festival and Willie Nelson's birthday combined." –Jimmy Kimmel 

"A new international poll finds the least popular country in the world is Iran. After hearing this, North Korea said, 'What do we have to do?'" –Conan O'Brien 

"A woman in New Jersey just found her missing dog after she grilled pork in her backyard and he came home because of the smell. Unfortunately, he was immediately shoved out of the way by Governor Chris Christie." –Jimmy Fallon



Because they feed on each other..

"It's been reported that Californians donated almost $600,000 to Chris Christie's re-election campaign. And by Californians, I mean my monologue writers. They want that guy to stick around." –Conan O'Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced he will star in a low-budget horror movie called 'The Toxic Avenger.' He wreaks havoc. He's a monster. I have no idea what he'll do in the movie." –Craig Ferguson

"We had an election in Los Angeles yesterday. Three measures involved medical marijuana. The one that passed was a proposition that limits the number of marijuana dispensaries in the city. The rule now is there cannot be more marijuana stores than cupcake shops – because they feed on each other." –Jimmy Kimmel 

Governor, of the House of Pancake..

"Minnesota this week became the 12th state in the country to legalize gay marriage. So finally Minneapolis can stop pretending St. Paul is just its 'twin.'" –Seth Meyers



"Prince Harry this week toured the Jersey Shore with New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. It was the first meeting between the Prince, of the House of Windsor, and the Governor, of the House of Pancake.'" –Amy Poehler

You’re less popular with Americans than exercise

“IRS: No one needs to avoid scandals more than you. You’re less popular with Americans than exercise." –Seth Meyers on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"



"Really, Tea Party? Really? You’re surprised that you’re targeted by the IRS? You named yourself after a group of people who proudly and historically violated tax laws! Look, if I had a vanity license plate that said 'Weed 420,' I might expect to get pulled over now and then." –Amy Poehler

I feel like I'm on Oxycontin again

"The Obama administration is experiencing multiple scandals, and the Republicans are having multiple orgasms. Three scandals at once? Rush Limbaugh today said, 'I feel like I'm on Oxycontin again.'" –Bill Maher



"Conservative groups told congressmen that they experienced long delays and were asked to answer unusually detailed questions. They said they felt like black people trying to vote in Florida." –Bill Maher on the Tea Party groups targeted by the IRS



"New Rule: Stop believing Chris Christie when he says he got lap band surgery for his family. He did it because he wants to be president in 2016, and being that obese is kind of a scandal in itself. He did it because there are skeletons in his closet. Of cows." –Bill Maher

It may go as high as Dennis Rodman

"The republicans see Benghazi as a real powder keg. This scandal, they believe, may go as high as Dennis Rodman." –David Letterman 

"This week, Oscar Mayer introduced a new hot dog with bacon cooked right into it. Or as Chris Christie put it, 'Is it possible to reverse that lap-band procedure?'" –Jimmy Fallon 

"If you think Benghazi is worse than slavery, the Trail of Tears, Japanese internment, Tuskegee, purposefully injecting Guatemalan mental patients with syphilis, lying about WMDs, and the fact that banks today are still foreclosing on mortgages they don't own, then your hard-on for Obama has lasted more than four hours, and you need to call a doctor." –Bill Maher



I can literally not contain myself

"They want so bad to find a smoking gun and there just isn't one. There is no smoking gun. How sad is that? Someone in America not able to find a gun." –Bill Maher on Benghazi



"Chris Christie revealed a couple months ago that he had lap band surgery. They're speculating that he did this because they're thinking he's going to run for president in 2016, and he couldn't unless he lost a lot of weight, and this procedure accomplishes that because it surgically pinches off your stomach so you just can't eat. Because that’s what you want in a president, someone with absolutely no will power, someone who says ‘I can literally not contain myself.’" –Bill Maher