you can LITERALLY sleep your way to the top

A new national poll found that Ben Carson is now ahead of Donald Trump by six points in the Republican race. Finally proving that you can LITERALLY sleep your way to the top. –Jimmy Fallon

A new survey found that three out of four children under the age of four have their own smartphone. You can tell it's bad; last night I told my daughter it was time for bed and she tried to swipe left on me. –Jimmy Fallon

Police say a Texas man stabbed his roommate this weekend during a fight over a piece of fried chicken. So even if you don't eat the fried chicken, it will still find a way to kill you. –Seth Meyers

Not GR-R-REAT!

A Canadian pharmacy had to apologize this weekend after accidentally handing out bipolar medication on Halloween instead of candy. The victims say they’re sad that it happened, but happy that it happened. –Seth Meyers

An Ashley Madison user is suing the adultery website for falsely advertising a higher number of female users than it truly had. And if you can’t trust a website that helps you secretly cheat on your spouse, who can you trust? –Seth Meyers

A drunk woman in Nebraska had to be hospitalized this weekend after she broke into a zoo because she wanted to pet a tiger and wound up being bitten by the animal. When asked how she’s doing, the woman said, “Not GR-R-REAT!” –Seth Meyers

they noticed an unmarked van parked in the shower

I saw that Jay-Z and Beyoncé dressed as the characters from the Eddie Murphy movie “Coming to America.” In fact their "Coming to America" costumes were so good, Donald Trump had them both deported. –Jimmy Fallon

It's being reported that the Jets had their locker room swept for listening devices before their recent game against the New England Patriots. The Jets became suspicious when they noticed an unmarked van parked in the shower. –Jimmy Fallon

On last week's episode of “Inside the NBA,” Shaquille O’Neal claimed that someone recently offered him $50 million to go to the moon. Then Shaq reached up and went, “You mean this little ball of cheese?” –Jimmy Fallon

And then Stormy Daniels was like, ‘Second worst.’ (Worst President Ever)

I hope everyone had a good Halloween. It seemed like there were lots of good costumes this year. I saw that The Rock went as Popeye; Heidi Klum went as Jessica Rabbit; and this year's Mets went as LAST year's Mets. –Jimmy Fallon

Congrats to the Kansas City Royals, who beat the Mets to win their first World Series in 30 years. Since the Royals won, they'll get to meet President Obama. And since the Mets blew an early lead and lost, they'll get to meet Jeb Bush. –Jimmy Fallon

“Well, after the hearing, Trump said Mueller’s performance was, quote, ‘one of the worst performances in the history of the country.’ And then Stormy Daniels was like, ‘Second worst.’” --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

And it's just like a Bush to attack the wrong guy, it really is

The third Republican debate was held last night, and RNC Chairman Reince Priebus said he was extremely disappointed with the coverage. And he understands disappointment, because his parents named him Reince Priebus. –Seth Meyers

China has revised its one child per family rule. It will now allow parents to have two children. Chinese parents were so excited, they let their kids have the day off of work. –Seth Meyers

Jeb Bush had a very rough night last night. He finally got time to say what he wanted, and how did he use it? He attacks not Donald Trump, not Hillary Clinton or Ben Carson. Of all people, he attacks Marco Rubio for missing votes in the Senate. Which is something that literally no one outside of Florida cares about. It was embarrassing. And it's just like a Bush to attack the wrong guy, it really is. –Jimmy Kimmel

Calm down, Mom and Dad!

For Halloween, Google Maps has created a Street View tour of the world’s scariest locations. The scariest locations include a haunted castle in Scotland, a graveyard in Transylvania, and the bathroom of a Del Taco. –Conan O’Brien

Analysts are saying that after last night’s dismal performance at the debate, Jeb Bush’s donors are in "full panic mode." Apparently, last night Jeb Bush called his two biggest donors and said, "Calm down, Mom and Dad." –Conan O’Brien

Republican candidate Mike Huckabee has earned endorsements from several members of the Duggar family. And that is a smart political move, since nearly 40 percent of Republican voters are actually members of the Duggar family. –James Corden

I’m not sure I want to see a slutty Mike Huckabee

Carly Fiorina said that after the previous debate, people told her that she needed to smile more. They were like, "Just pretend you're laying off a bunch of people." –Jimmy Fallon

In his closing comments, Rand Paul said that he is running to create a government so small that you can barely see it. Paul said it would be modeled after his presidential campaign. –Jimmy Fallon

This Saturday is Halloween and a lot of people this year are going as presidential candidates. However, I’m not sure I want to see a slutty Mike Huckabee. –Conan O’Brien