All he's asking is they rename it the Trump White House and Casino

“They’re calling it Obama’s charm offensive because he took Republicans to dinner, and then he had Paul Ryan over for lunch. And it’s working apparently. This has been the problem all along. Republicans will put out, you just have to buy them a meal and tell them they are pretty first.” –Bill Maher



“Republicans in Arkansas passed the strictest abortion law ever…they say in the bill that life begins when your sister gets drunk.” –Bill Maher



“After tours of the White House were canceled due to budget cuts, Donald Trump offered to pay for them. All he's asking is they rename it the Trump White House and Casino.” –Conan O’Brien



I must have missed the moment when racism ended

"I must have missed the moment when racism ended. I wonder when it was? The time Ross dated Aisha Tyler on 'Friends?' Or when Keebler added a black elf? Oh, I know. It must have been when they made slavery illegal in Mississippi all the way back in ... four weeks ago." –Stephen Colbert

“Back in 1957 Mr. Strom Thurmond stood up there for 24 hours, pausing only once to impregnate a black lady, so I’m not impressed.” –Bill Maher



“Two key questions emerged from the dinner: 1) whether anything can get done without the Repbulican leadership; and 2) why do John McCain and Lindsey Graham always go to the bathroom in pairs. I’m just going to call them McCainsey from now on.” –Bill Maher



So just when you think a trend is dead...

"A major snowstorm has hit the East Coast. In Washington, D.C., everything ground to a halt – and then the snowstorm hit." –Conan O'Brien 

"Today Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell released a Harlem Shake video. So just when you think a trend is dead, it's made cool again by Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell." –Conan O'Brien



"The people of Venezuela aren't sure who'll replace Hugo Chavez. CBS suggested Ashton Kutcher." –Craig Ferguson 

McConnell bears a striking resemblance to Admiral Ackbar

"In his first interview since losing the election, Mitt Romney says it kills him to not be in the White House. He said he'll always think of it as the one house he couldn't buy." –Conan O'Brien

 

“Obama's sci-fi flub should be the GOP's gain. After all, Republicans and nerds have so much in common. They both live in fantasy worlds, and have no idea how to relate to women. And, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell bears a striking resemblance to Admiral Ackbar.” –Stephen Colbert on Obama's "Jedi mind-meld" gaffe



"If you need more proof that the president is no friend of Israel, just do the math. Back in 2007, President Bush supported Israel with $2.3 billion in foreign military aid. This year, President Obama wants to bring that down to just $3.1 billion. I know it looks like it's going up, but remember: in Hebrew you read charts from right to left." –Stephen Colbert 

What is the opposite of a meeting of the minds?

"The big scandal is that CPAC did not invite the one most popular Republican in the country, Chris Christie, because apparently they're mad at him because during Hurricane Sandy, he hugged Obama. In their world, you're only allowed to touch a black person if he handed you a 7-wood and shot a hole in one." –Bill Maher



"They didn't invite Chris Christie, but they did invite Rick Perry and Sarah Palin – to answer the question, 'What is the opposite of a meeting of the minds?'" –Bill Maher



"Sarah Palin is getting ready for the big CPAC thing by writing words on her hand like "Obama bad. No like." And Rick Perry is getting ready by writing 'Rick Perry." –Bill Maher 

Voters just didn't connect with the Republican message of 'Stop, thief!'

"South Korea's first female president was sworn in. Meanwhile, North Korea said, 'We're just going to stick with men named Kim.'" –Conan O'Brien



"Demographic shifts are making it harder for the GOP to win nationally. Apparently in 2012, minority voters just didn't connect with the Republican message of 'Stop, thief!'" –Stephen Colbert



It will be the first time Jesus' death is blamed on Obamacare

"Fox News host Bill O'Reilly is writing a new book about the killing of Jesus. It will be the first time Jesus' death is blamed on Obamacare." –Conan O'Brien  

"Today 15 Republican Senators demanded the withdrawal of Hagel's nomination and it's no wonder. Senate Republicans have found all sorts of shady associations in Hagel's past. For instance, he was once a Senate Republican." –Stephen Colbert 

"Michelle Obama is actually here tonight to talk about her fitness initiative 'Let’s Move.' Meanwhile, Chris Christie will be on next week to talk about his initiative 'Let's Sit."'" –Jimmy Fallon