"Hillary Clinton lost 10 in a row. That's not good. If she loses one more, she will be signed by the L.A. Clippers." --Jay Leno
"President Bush told a German newspaper in an interview over the weekend that his best moment since he became president was when he caught a 7-1/2 pound fish in his own lake. See, sometimes these Bush fishing expeditions can pay off." --Jay Leno
"Speaking of Congress, the other day -- very quietly -- they voted themselves a $3,300 pay raise. Why not? Job well done. A lot of added expenses this year: legal fees, criminal defense lawyers." --Jay Leno
"And today, President Obama gave a speech on the economy, saying there would be more pain now, but hope later, to which pro basketball's Los Angeles Clippers said, 'Hey, that's our slogan.'" --Jay Leno
"As you know by now, Captain Phillips was rescued when Navy Seals shot and killed three of the pirates, although, according to Phil Spector's attorney, the pirates shot themselves in the head." --Jay Leno
"There was some nice news this week. The Obamas got a new dog. It's a Portuguese water dog named Bo. Now, don't confuse that with what Dick Cheney had. That was a waterboarding dog. That was totally different." --Jay Leno
"Hillary
lost 10 in a row. That's not good. If she loses one more, she will be signed by
the L.A. Clippers." --Jay Leno
"Mike Huckabee's
campaign is starting to taper off a little bit. Like for the big rallies, Chuck
Norris just sends his stunt double." --Jay Leno
"On
this week on ABC, John McCain
said, no new taxes. You know who else said no new taxes? Wesley Snipes."
--Jay Leno
"Over
in Africa, President
Bush is being welcomed as a hero in Tanzania. See, that's because
President Bush always said one day third world countries would have the same
economy as the United States and thanks to his economic plan, now they
do." --Jay Leno
In
a speech today, Donald Trump blasted Hillary Clinton, calling her "a world
class liar" and "the most corrupt person to seek the
presidency." Trump then said, "Wait a second, I think I’m in
love." –Conan O’Brien
Welcome
to Los Angeles, home of the Lakers, home of the Clippers, neither of whom won
the NBA championship this year which is why we didn't have a parade today.
–Jimmy Kimmel
Trump
said the public doesn't know anything about Hillary in terms of her religion,
whereas we do know that he is a man of deep faith. In fact, his faith is so
deep you can barely see any sign of it. His faith is like one of these
see-through fish at the very, very bottom of the ocean. –Jimmy Kimmel
The
big win for Trump was in Marco Rubio's home state of Florida. Rubio won one
county in his home state, Miami. That was thanks to a last-minute endorsement
from the sound machine. –Jimmy Kimmel
A
disappointing finish for Marco Rubio. A man who fueled his campaign with all
the fire and spontaneity of Vicki the robot from "Small Wonder."
–Jimmy Kimmel
Meanwhile,
our future president, Kanye West, has a new creative mission. Kanye tweeted to
the owner of the L.A. Clippers asking if he could redesign the Clippers'
mascot. If he designs mascots the way he names albums we'll see three or four
new mascots every week. Or maybe instead of letting Kanye redesign the mascot,
they could make Kanye himself the Clippers mascot. –Jimmy Kimmel
