Friday, September 28, 2018

We're saving ourselves for our 25th wedding anniversary (The joke's on them, they didn't find my crystal meth)

Another tell-all book is coming out about the Trump presidency. And according to an excerpt, on the night of the election, Mike Pence tried to kiss his wife after Trump's victory but she turned away and said, "You got what you wanted. Now leave me alone." In all fairness, I'm pretty sure 99 percent of Mike Pence's conversations end with the other person saying, "Now leave me alone." She was upset that her husband had aligned himself with Donald Trump. But don't worry, I'm sure him spending the day with Brett Kavanaugh is bound to win her over. Pence tried to explain why there wasn't a kiss with his wife. He said, "We're saving ourselves for our 25th wedding anniversary." --James Corden

Police in British Columbia responded to an unusual emergency recently. A man called 911 reporting that he had been robbed. When asked what had been taken, he said that the thieves had stolen all of his marijuana and cocaine. He told the cops, "The joke's on them, they didn't find my crystal meth." --James Corden “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

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