Yeah, that really worked out well for us last time (Just something to think about)

March 2023

“Donald Trump is expecting to get arrested for hush money payments. The former president posted on Truth Social, in all caps: ‘the far & away leading Republican candidate & former president of the United States of America, will be arrested on Tuesday of next week’. First of all, at least he’s admitting he’s the former president. That’s progress! Baby steps.” —Jimmy Fallon

“The police are going to be like, ‘You have the right to remain silent now, but also in general. Just think about it. Just something to think about.” —Jimmy Fallon

“And get this, after Trump said that he expects to be arrested, he urged his supporters to stand up for him, writing… ‘Protest. Take our nation back!’ Yeah, even his supporters were thinking, ‘Yeah, that really worked out well for us last time.’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How should we describe the size? (You probably need like a Shaq-sized shoe)

March 2022

“Apparently, there’s some spider invasion coming to the East Coast in the spring. Oh yeah, and scientists say they’re that the size of a child’s hand, and they can parachute from the sky. I love how scientists were like, ‘How should we describe the size?’ and they’re like, ‘Oh, I settled on a child’s hand.”’ —Jimmy Fallon

“You know, sometimes I don’t understand nature. Why did it feel the need to create something like this, huh? Spiders that have parachutes and fly around? You know, with some things, you get why they exist, like how plants put oxygen into the atmosphere, and how birds evolve into chickens so we could make delicious sandwiches. But giant spiders? Was Mother Nature like, ‘People’s nightmares have become too boring; let’s spice things up’?” —Trevor Noah

“You can’t even kill that thing with a regular shoe. Did you see the size? You probably need like a Shaq-sized shoe.” —Trevor Noah

“And, by the way, if you think a giant spider is bad, wait until we see the giant pig the giant spider is gonna become best friends with.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I mean, the dude has been burned twice/He better not be vaping!/Did you know?

During Mr. Trump’s remarks on vaping, he told reporters that the first lady, Melania, had taken an interest in the subject because “she has a son” — an odd reference to the couple’s teenage son, Barron Trump. --Jimmy Fallon

“Or so I hear, I’ve not seen him for a while. He better not be vaping!” --Jimmy Kimmel  (as Trump)

“At least Darth Vader claimed his son. If Trump was the dark lord, he would be like, ‘Luke, she is your mother.’” --Trevor Noah

“The first lady has got a son — together. It’s a mutual son. Of course, I’m very involved with the doings of it, and so is the first lady, who is a lovely mother, together, who I love and know her name. So well that I won’t waste your time saying it out loud.” --Stephen Colbert (as Trump) 

“But, look, you can’t fault Trump for not being super eager to claim responsibility for his son. I mean, the dude has been burned twice.” --Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Red Flags: The fact that somebody had cash, or they wanted to go to Detroit? (A conservative is...)

"And people everywhere are pointing fingers about security. They're saying, 'Well, you know, you should have done this and you should have done that and you should have done this.' And I'm telling you, this terrorist paid cash for his ticket for a flight to Detroit. Now you tell me — what is the bigger red flag in this economy? The fact that somebody had cash, or they wanted to go to Detroit?" –David Letterman

"Oh, how about this? Rush Limbaugh, there's a big boy. He was also in the hospital. He said he had chest pains and I thought, oh he is just trying to get some of those painkillers. That's what he is doing." –David Letterman

"But here's how it works. Here's the official line of succession in control of the Republican Party. If Rush Limbaugh is disabled in any way, then control of the party is passed to Glenn Beck. That's the line of succession." –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”   

After his speech, he's going to demonstrate how to waterboard a trout (please! Get some help)

"Hey, here's big news. Do you remember Vice President Dick Cheney? Do you remember that guy? And I don't know, in the middle of the second term or something, the P.R. people got together and they said, 'Dick, nobody really knows anything about you.' So he went out and shot his buddy in the face. Do you remember that? Boom! And that was good for about two years for us here. Well, listen to this. Cheney has now been invited to speak at the American Museum of Fly Fishing. After his speech, he's going to demonstrate how to waterboard a trout." --David Letterman

"I love this because in one little story, we have what's great about this country and what's weird about this country. A person in Florida calls 911, you know, the emergency number, 911? And here's the emergency -- McDonald's has run out of Chicken McNuggets. This person placed a call three times. I said: 'Rush Limbaugh, please! Get some help.'" --David Letterman

"By the way, ladies and gentlemen, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party. And I'm thinking, if I see any more of Rush Limbaugh, I'm going to have to send my housekeeper out to buy me painkillers." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Rush Limbaugh's stimulus package is just a package containing a big bottle of stimulants (independence, individuality, integrity)

"In Washington, in response to President Obama's stimulus package, Rush Limbaugh proposed his own stimulus package. That's true. You see, that's what this country needs. What we need is a stimulus package proposed by a fat DJ. That's what's going to set the country back on track." --Craig Ferguson

"Actually, Rush Limbaugh's stimulus package is just a package containing a big bottle of stimulants." --Craig Ferguson

"Rod Blagojevich is now out of a job, he's disgraced, he's unpopular. In fact today, he got a note from President Bush saying, 'Hey, welcome to the club.'" --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It does look like the work of terrorists (Please Help Yourself)

"There's a new book coming out about Bill Clinton ... and it says Bill Clinton has had a number of one-night stands in Ireland, France, Taiwan, Rio and London. He flies overseas to have sex. That shows how times have changed. Remember the old days? He didn't even have to leave his desk." --Jay Leno

"Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, the top 9/11 suspect, has claimed he is responsible for the first bombing of the World Trade Center, the shoe-bombing attempt on the airplane. This guy is confessing to everything. A lot of people now are doubting him. Want to hear his latest claim? He says he is solely responsible for NBC's fall schedule. It does look like the work of terrorists." --Jay Leno

"According to a transcript of a U.S. military tribunal released Wednesday, Khalid Shaikh Mohammed admitted to planning the 9/11 attack, saying, 'I was responsible for the 9/11 operation from A to Z.' He then politely asked the interviewer to kindly remove the curling iron from his butt." --Seth Meyers

"Military contractor Halliburton announced this week that it is moving its corporate headquarters from Houston, Texas, to Dubai. A Halliburton spokesman said Dubai was chosen because of its convenient location just outside the long arm of the law." --Amy Poehler

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

America: We Don't Understand Royalty (And Iran was like, "I know, it's crazy, right?")

Kim Jong Un might cancel his meeting with Trump, where they were supposed to discuss North Korea's nuclear weapons. Trump was like, "How could someone just pull out of a nuclear agreement?" And Iran was like, "I know, it's crazy, right?" --Jimmy Fallon

The Royal wedding is just three days away! Which means in just three days, the world will finally get to see the queen do the Electric Slide. --Jimmy Fallon

Dunkin' Donuts is celebrating the Royal wedding by offering a heart-shaped donut, and Chili's is offering special burger-inspired hats. Which explains our new slogan: "America: We Don't Understand Royalty." --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Fox & Friends denied that it was Halloween (a lie spread by Hillary Clinton)

To sway the election, Russian agents posted over 1,000 YouTube videos. But then even Putin was like "Oh, my goodness, these comments are so mean." –Jimmy Fallon

The hosts of the "Today" show dressed up as country singers. The hosts of "Good Morning America" dressed up as superheroes, while the hosts of "Fox & Friends" denied that it was Halloween. Yeah. It's a lie, spread by Hillary Clinton. –Jimmy Fallon

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

These are the same drugs Santa uses to make his reindeer fly (ethical conflicts)

This is the Dodgers’ first World Series in almost 30 years. Since 1988. It is a tough ticket to come by. The average ticket price for Game 1 was about $1,300. To put that in perspective, right now a ticket to the World Series is worth more than the Weinstein Company. –Jimmy Kimmel

There is a major scandal in the world of the Iditarod. It turns out some of the dogs in the race are on drugs. Dogs belonging to the four-time musher tested positive for a banned substance. Officials became suspicious when one of the dogs stood on its hind legs and lifted the sled over its head in celebration. These are powerful drugs. Opioids. These are the same drugs Santa uses to make his reindeer fly. –Jimmy Kimmel

      

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

So including the World Series, 2017 has been a great year for dodgers (pampered rich boy)

John McCain called Trump out for being a pampered rich boy but the good news is it looks like Trump will get out of the military again after suffering from McCain’s sick burn. Trump got out of going to Vietnam five times, and now he’s the president of the United States. So including the World Series, 2017 has been a great year for dodgers. –James Corden

Did you guys see this conspiracy theory that was going around the internet last week? People claim that Melania Trump had a body double impersonate her during an appearance with her husband. And if you think that is weird, Donald Trump has been impersonating a president for almost a year. –James Corden

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

Ahem! This is OUR turf! (bone spurs)

Over the weekend, Sen. John McCain appeared to take a swipe at Donald Trump’s lack of military service. He said that during the Vietnam War a lot of rich people got out of the draft by claiming they had bone spurs. And as you may know Donald Trump famously got out of service in Vietnam due to bone spurs. Now, if you don’t know what bone spurs are, don’t worry, Donald Trump doesn’t know either. –James Corden

But seriously, bone spurs can make walking very difficult, unless you carry a bag of golf clubs; apparently, then it’s fine. –James Corden

      

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

The deadly weapon, of course, was O.J. (Opioid Addiction)

"Earlier today, O.J. Simpson was charged with 11 criminal counts, including kidnapping, robbery and assault. Afterwards, O.J. said, 'Wow. Now I really have done it all.'" --Conan O'Brien

"O.J. Simpson was released on bail today. ... O.J. was charged with two counts of robbery with a deadly weapon. The deadly weapon, of course, was O.J." --Jay Leno

      

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans