I'd buy you a drink, but you'd probably spill that, too. And make me clean it up (The loser keeps Hasselhoff)

"The CEO of BP Tony Hayward didn't take any questions after his White House meeting today. Probably a good thing. He's great at destroying ecosystems, but not so great at talking. Hayward has said: 'No one wants this thing over more than I do. I'd like my life back.' Tony, I'm so sorry you had your summer disrupted. I'd buy you a drink, but you'd probably spill that, too. And make me clean it up." –Craig Ferguson

Huge white flags were placed on top of the Brooklyn Bridge. And late this afternoon, word came from the FBI that the New York Mets have surrendered.—Craig Ferguson

"The U.S. is scheduled to play Germany soon at the World Cup. President Obama and German Chancellor Angela Merkel already have a bet going. The loser keeps Hasselhoff." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Today it was 68 and foggy (He took a little in the wallet)

"Unusual weather for New York City. Today it was 68 and foggy. No, wait a minute, that's me. I'm sorry, that's me." –David Letterman

"Donald Trump is talking about running for president. He hasn't made an announcement, but I want to tell you something. The fake suspense is killing me. I can hardly wait until Trump announces his celebrity cabinet." –David Letterman

 

"This week, President George Bush was in Africa. Have you been following his African trip? In Africa, he is known as Bunda 43. But he's wildly popular in Africa, isn't that interesting? It's like David Hasselhoff in Germany. Nobody knows why." --David Letterman

 

"The guy who Cheney gunned down, he is a Republican lawyer and a big Republican donor and fortunately the buck shot was deflected by wads of laundered cash. So he's fine. He took a little in the wallet." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

They haven't been this excited since Oktoberfest included an all-you-can-eat wiener buffet ($30,000 a day)

July 2014

"Germany is your World Cup champions, ladies and gentlemen. The winning German soccer team received a congratulatory phone call from Angela Merkel. Of course we know this because we're still bugging her phone." –David Letterman

"Congratulations, my German friends. They are World Cup champions. People in Germany were going nuts, firing guns into the air, marching up and down the streets. Then they heard about the World Cup win." –Craig Ferguson 

"Germans haven't been this excited since the release of the last David Hasselhoff album. They haven't been this excited since Oktoberfest included an all-you-can-eat wiener buffet." –Craig Ferguson

"People in Germany went bonkers. Rumor has it that up to half a dozen Germans actually cracked a smile." –Craig Ferguson

"Well, it was an amazing weekend in sports. LeBron James went back to being a Cavalier, Carmelo Anthony, went back to being a Knick, and soccer went back to being a thing you drive your kids to." –Seth Meyers

"Germany defeated Argentina 1-0 to win the World Cup. German fans went absolutely crazy from 9:00 until 9:15." –Seth Meyers 

"Brazil's coach resigned following the country's historic 7-1 loss in the World Cup last week. He says he wants to spend more time focusing on not being murdered." –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If Marie Antoinette came back as a man (Toke-lahoma)

June 2014

"Today was the start of the World Cup. It's that special time of the year when Americans in bars shrug, 'Well, I guess we're watching this now.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The U.S. is scheduled to play Germany soon at the World Cup. President Obama and German Chancellor Angela Merkel already have a bet going. The loser keeps Hasselhoff." –Craig Ferguson

"Pope Francis has pledged to remain neutral during the World Cup. When asked why, the Pope said, 'I picked the Miami Heat and look how that turned out.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Some Northern California counties want to form a separate state. They smoke a lot of weed up there. What would you call a state based on marijuana? Toke-lahoma. Flori-duh. How about Spliffs-consin? Dela-weed. New Hemp-shire." –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Unfortunately, it's the same book President Bush used for Katrina (The loser keeps Hasselhoff)

"I'm sorry the show is on later than usual. It was delayed by the president's speech about the gulf oil spill. Obama has been criticized for not doing enough. To be fair, he's been using every strategy in the book. Unfortunately, it's the same book President Bush used for Katrina." –Craig Ferguson

"Donald Duck and Donald Trump are very different of course. One’s a noisy cartoon character with a feathery a** and the other one’s Donald Duck." –Craig Ferguson

"The U.S. is scheduled to play Germany soon at the World Cup. President Obama and German Chancellor Angela Merkel already have a bet going. The loser keeps Hasselhoff." –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

When someone told me, I said, 'Norway?' He said, 'Yes, way.' (David Hasselhoff will go and collect the prize)

December 2012

"Today the Nobel Peace Prize was awarded to the European Union. The peace prize is awarded in Oslo. When someone told me, I said, 'Norway?' He said, 'Yes, way.'" –Craig Ferguson

"The EU was founded in 1993 to ensure that no European nation ever start another war. By European nation, they mean 'Germany.'" –Craig Ferguson

"I think the EU should expand and bring peace to the world's more troubled region. Perhaps the set of 'Two and a Half Men.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Who accepts the Nobel Prize if it goes to a group? It has to be someone not associated with any one country. Someone beloved by all of Europe for no reason at all. David Hasselhoff will go and collect the prize." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's like David Hasselhoff in Germany (the second worst kind of cheating)

"This week, President George Bush was in Africa. Have you been following his African trip? In Africa, he is known as Bunda 43. But he's wildly popular in Africa, isn't that interesting? It's like David Hasselhoff in Germany. Nobody knows why." --David Letterman

"Program reminder, you know what Sunday is? That's right, the Academy Awards. Academy Awards on Sunday. Side effects include nausea, abdominal pain and sexual dysfunction. The Academy Awards is like a flight on Jet Blue. I mean, you sit there for six hours hoping it will take off" --David Letterman

"You all watch that big Democratic debate last night? There will be 65 more to help us make up our mind. But it got a little a little nasty last night. Last night, Senator Hillary Clinton once again accused Barack Obama of plagiarizing his speech from another politician. Yeah, Hillary said plagiarizing is the second worst kind of cheating." --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

The loser keeps Hasselhoff

"The U.S. is scheduled to play Germany soon at the World Cup. President Obama and German Chancellor Angela Merkel already have a bet going. The loser keeps Hasselhoff." –Craig Ferguson



"Pope Francis has pledged to remain neutral during the World Cup. When asked why, the Pope said, 'I picked the Miami Heat and look how that turned out.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Now, the way I hear it the Iraqi army had some trouble with the insurgents and they just dropped their guns, took off their uniforms, and went home — just like the Miami Heat." –David Letterman