I ain't make none mistakes ever

"I saw the president on TV. I think he's only had three press conferences during prime time. I though he looked calm. I thought he looked confident. I thought he looked focused. That's right, he was drinking again." —David Letterman



"It was a tough press conference for President Bush. He spent the first ten minutes trying to pronounce Fallujah. ... Bush insisted that Iraq is not Vietnam. Of course not, he avoided Vietnam." —David Letterman



"In his press conference last night, President Bush said he could not remember a single mistake he had made in the last two years. The president's exact quote was: 'I ain't make none mistakes ever.'" —Conan O'Brien



Hey, who elected you president?!

"Homeland Security has warned of possible summer attacks by Al Qaeda. And it must be pretty serious because President Bush has already ignored three memos about this." —David Letterman

"'American Idol' got a record 65 million votes. In fact today, Bush and Kerry started taking singing lessons." —Jay Leno

"Newly released transcripts reveal that President Nixon was drunk during the Arab-Israeli crisis of 1973. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'Hey, so was I!'" —Conan O'Brien



"A fiery Al Gore called for the resignation of Donald Rumsfeld, Condoleeza Rice, and CIA Director George Tenet. Bush was furious. He said to Gore, 'Hey, who elected you president?!'" —Jay Leno

Part two: rent a U-Haul

"President Bush said last night that they'll be a new president in Iraq. In fact to give him a chance they're going to give him a 30-second head start." —Jay Leno

"Some possible high profile targets are the Republican National Convention and the Democratic National Convention. So in response, President Bush increased security at the following locations: the Republican National Convention." —Craig Kilborn

"Bush explained his strategy for transfer of power. It's a two part plan. Part one: clean out his desk. Part two: rent a U-Haul." —David Letterman



she gets to wear her birthday tiara all year long

In San Diego near the border of Mexico, the federal agents found a tunnel that is 800 yards long. Which, imagine running a touch down the full length of the field eight times. Thank God for football or I wouldn't have any sense of distance. –Jimmy Kimmel

Today is National High Five Day. Derek Smith claimed he came up with the high five while he was playing for the University of Louisville in 1979. That seems wrong because I'm pretty sure Jesus gave high fives after the loaves and fishes thing. –Jimmy Kimmel

Queen Elizabeth is having her portrait done by Annie Leibowitz. She's releasing a new stamp in her honor in May. There is a public celebration of her birthday. In June there is a service at St. Paul's plus a big parade — and she gets to wear her birthday tiara all year long. –Stephen Colbert

A man whose name is an anagram for “crisp bee urine.”

Harriet Tubman will be replacing Andrew Jackson on the $20 bill. It's truly exciting to have a woman on there. Although, unfortunately, due to the wage gap, it is now worth $17. –Stephen Colbert

The New York primary results were a good old-fashioned Empire State boot stomping by Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. New Yorkers haven't seen a thrashing this bad since any Knicks game. –Stephen Colbert

If you think that you're worried about what is going to happen in this race, just consider Reince Priebus, RNC chairman and man whose name is an anagram for “crisp bee urine.” –Stephen Colbert

he's putting the "ick" back in manicure

A popular designer, Marc Jacobs, is trying to get "#malepolish" going. Like nail polish but for men. He's posting his painted nails on Instagram and he says he's putting the "man" back in manicure. But it really seems like he's putting the "ick" back in manicure. –Jimmy Kimmel

Britain's National Environmental Research Council announced a boat-naming contest a little over a month ago in an effort to build public interest in Arctic research — while there is still some Arctic left to research. –Stephen Colbert

Ben and Jerry from Ben & Jerry's ice cream got themselves into a scoop of trouble yesterday at Capitol Hill protesting against money and politics. The two were arrested — surprisingly, not for the murder of my waistline. –Stephen Colbert

Toilet Wine Toffee Crunch

Donald Trump had a bit of a stumble yesterday. He was giving a speech in Buffalo and accidentally referred to the devastating terrorist attacks of 7/11 instead of 9/11. Of course, who can forget that fateful day when the Coke-flavored Slurpee machine broke and we were forced to settle for that blue raspberry stuff. –Jimmy Kimmel

Donald has actually been pretty quiet for the last week or so. And I don't like it. It's like when the kids stop making noise. Something's wrong. –Jimmy Kimmel

In Washington, D.C., yesterday Ben and Jerry, the ice cream guys, were arrested for being part of a political protest on the steps of the Capitol building. But some good did come out of it. They got a lot of new attention for their cause. Also, they got a new flavor of ice cream, which is Toilet Wine Toffee Crunch. –Jimmy Kimmel