Teeny-tiny sausages

"At the Olympics, the Russian men's hockey team was knocked out by Finland. Vladimir Putin was said to be furious. He was yelling, waving a sword around, threatening to send people to Siberia. Then the game started." –Craig Ferguson



"A 101-year-old man is running for Congress. Now in what state do you think that is? You know what state — Florida, of course! He's a member of the tea party — the Boston Tea Party." –Craig Ferguson



"A new survey named Vienna, Austria, the world's best city. Vienna came out on top in this survey because it was No. 1 in three important categories: public transportation, clean air, and the quantity of teeny-tiny sausages." –Craig Ferguson

He wants to let women vote

"The big event in the Olympics will be the U.S. playing Canada in men's hockey. This is the most that Americans have wanted to see Canadians beaten since they sent us Justin Bieber." –Conan O'Brien



"Russia won the gold medal in women's figure skating. The Russian skater said she was inspired by her family, her coaches, and what happened to the losing, and now missing, Russian men's hockey team." –Conan O'Brien

"In Florida there is a guy running for Congress who is 101 years old. And despite what you might think, the guy is actually quite a progressive. He wants to expand Medicare. He wants to fix Social Security. He wants to let women vote." –David Letterman

Or even see one up close

"Today the Russian hockey team lost and was knocked out of the Olympics. People in Russia haven't been this depressed since last week." –Conan O'Brien



"We have first lady Michelle Obama on the show tonight. Security's very tight backstage. Before I came out, this one guy spent like five minutes patting me down — and then the Secret Service showed up and said, 'Who's that guy groping Fallon?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new report just came out that some companies, especially tech companies, are not hiring enough female employees. But guys who run tech companies say they'd love to hire more women. Or talk to them. Or meet them. Or even see one up close." –Jimmy Fallon

Uh, mammal?

"Making his first visit to our show tonight is Bill O'Reilly. Bill is here to promote his book 'Killing Jesus.' I'm going to have to tell him someone else sold a book on that subject and it sold quite well." –Jimmy Kimmel 



"When asked what kind of meat they use, a spokesman for Hot Pockets said, 'Uh, mammal?'" –Jimmy Fallon



"Today at the Olympics the Russian men's hockey team, which was favored, was eliminated by Finland. Then an hour later, the Russian men's hockey team was eliminated by Putin." –Conan O'Brien



It's still better than a hotel in Sochi

"I know climate change is a hoax – of course – but places that have never seen this type of winter weather got hit by it. More than a half a million southerners have been left in the dark --- and then the storm hit." –Bill Maher 



"New Rule: This Valentine’s Day Americans must remember that politicians are like a box of chocolates. We bite into them to find out what's on the inside only to discover that Democrats are too often soft and gooey and Republicans are mostly nuts." –Bill Maher 



"In Sochi, a man who criticized the Sochi games was sentenced to three years in a prison colony. After hearing the sentence, the man said it's still better than a hotel in Sochi." –Conan O'Brien



There is a big difference between Ted Cruz and snow

"I'm glad you were able to tear yourselves away from the Winter Olympics. The sporting event that answers the question, How many different ways can white people injure themselves on ice?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Bob Costas had to take a break from hosting the Olympics coverage due to an eye infection. In fact, his eyes are so bloodshot, he's been made an honorary member of the U.S. snowboarding team." –Conan O'Brien

"Ted Cruz, of course, was furious that the big storm back east shut down the government. He said, 'That’s my job!' But you know, there is a big difference between Ted Cruz and snow. Both are white and everyone’s sick of them – but eventually snow goes away." –Bill Maher



The only thing higher than the temperature

"Organizers for the Sochi Olympics have had trouble filling seats for the biathlon. This is because Vladimir Putin is warning people away from any event containing 'bi.'" –Conan O'Brien 



"There are rumors that the Russian government placed cameras in the hotel bathrooms in Sochi. Russia said, 'Don't worry, our cameras don't work either.'" –Conan O'Brien 



"Today at the Winter Olympics, temperatures reached almost up to 60 degrees. In other words, the only thing higher than the temperature were the U.S. snowboarders." –Conan O'Brien