Then he laughed for 10 minutes . . . shirtless.

"It looks like the federal government could be shutting down. The legal definition of a government shutdown is when Congress continues not to work, but they do it from home." –Jay Leno 

"Russian President Vladimir Putin said he may seek a fourth term but that's up to the people to decide. Then he laughed for 10 minutes . . . shirtless." –Conan O'Brien 

Drug tests for food stamp recipients

"Under the bill they voted for, states now have to require food stamp recipients to be drug-tested and work at least 20 hours a week – the same thing I was going to suggest for congressional Republicans." –Bill Maher



"The video game Grand Theft Auto 5 made 800 million dollars in one day. People say Americans can't export on values anymore, this proves we can. Unfortunately, our values are car theft and mass shootings." –Bill Maher



"New Rule: If House Republicans succeed in cutting $40 billion from the Food Stamp program, Congressman James Sensenbrenner has to go to a food bank and donate at least two of his chins." –Bill Maher



How about lighting yourself on fire?

"This is the 41st time that they have voted to repeal Obamacare. This is really not governing, this is more like a drinking game; every time they vote to defund, Boehner knocks back a Wild Turkey." –Bill Maher



"The leader in this movement to defund Obamacare is Ted Cruz, the senator from Texas. He said, 'I will do anything and everything possible to defund Obamacare.' Really, how about lighting yourself on fire?" –Bill Maher



"Ted Cruz is half Canadian and half Cuban. The wit of Justin Bieber combined with the people skills of Scarface." –Bill Maher



Arrested for showing up at a Cher concert

"Cher has turned down an invitation to sing at the 2014 Olympics in Russia because of Russia's anti-gay laws. Their anti-gay laws are so strict, men can be arrested just for showing up at a Cher concert." –Jay Leno 



"You know, if I wanted to pick out one thing that best exemplifies our country's peculiar relationship with guns, it's that the phrase 'minor shooting incident' exists." –Jon Stewart on reports that the Navy Yard shooter was previously in involved in minor shooting incidents

705 people saw a woman in a bikini..

"That's right, 705 people saw a woman in a bikini and thought, 'Muslim Extremist.'" –Stephen Colbert, on the fake outrage over Indian-American Nina Davuluri being crowned Miss America, after it was reported there were 705 tweets that mentioned "Miss America terrorist"

"Senate leaders Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell admitted they have no Plan B if the House doesn't avoid a government shutdown. Of course this raised a lot of questions, like: Since when did they have a Plan A?" –Jimmy Fallon 



At least we hope that was his middle finger

"Anthony Weiner did not really exit in a very classy way. After his concession speech, as he was leaving, the press was taunting him, and they got a picture through the window of the car of him holding up his middle finger. At least we hope that was his middle finger." –Bill Maher



"New Rule: Anthony Weiner has to tell us how long he waited after he'd lost his election before he went back to jerking off with strangers online. Unless the answer is, 'What do you think I'm doing behind this podium right now?'" –Bill Maher



Kenyan boomerang

"It's not that easy to go and secure all these chemical weapons. For one thing, the Syrians have been scattering stockpiles of the chemical weapons all over. They've even got some stored here in the U.S. It's called Monsanto." –Bill Maher



"It should be in the dictionary: 'Black-track,' the act of changing one's mind because President Obama has agreed with you. See also: 'Pulling a one-hatey,' or the 'Kenyan boomerang.'" –Bill Maher