We could have invaded closer to home and saved gas (he thought Venezuela was a planet)

"BBC is reporting that Venezuela may have massive oil reserves, more than even Saudi Arabia. You know what that means? We could have invaded closer to home and saved gas." –Jay Leno

"But to be fair to President Bush, at the time we invaded Iraq, he thought Venezuela was a planet. Of course, today, he corrected himself. He now realizes Venezuela is those horns they blow at the World Cup." –Jay Leno

"People are sweating more than Sarah Palin trying to hire a wedding planner. That's how hot it was today." –Jay Leno

"Well, this week, Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston revealed exclusively to Us Weekly, my bible, that they are getting married. Sarah Palin allegedly not happy about this, because she feels they barely know each other and they are making a big commitment. You know, kind of like when John McCain picked her for vice president." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

JOKES: How could you forget your marijuana? Oh. Right. (men who can lie)

US Weekly released their new cover story on Donald Trump’s children and promised “everything you didn’t know about the Trump kids.” “Is it their names?” asked Trump. –Seth Meyers

Three people were arrested and charged in New Jersey today after leaving behind a pound of marijuana in their hotel room. How could you forget your marijuana? Oh. Right. –Seth Meyers

According to a recent study, men on dating sites are more popular if they mention dancing or cooking. Because if there’s one thing women love, it’s a man who can lie. –Seth Meyers

Then the octopus said...

The hacking group “Anonymous” has apparently declared war against Donald Trump. Of course, hacking him shouldn’t be hard, because if there's anyone who just uses their name as their password, it's Donald Trump. –Jimmy Fallon

Ted Cruz was just featured in Us Weekly’s “25 Things You Didn’t Know About Me” column. And on the list he revealed that he was once bitten by an octopus at the beach and got “terribly ill.” Then the octopus said, “Yeah, it took me a while to recover, too.” –Jimmy Fallon

John Kasich, fresh off his win in the Ohio primary, said that if you can't win Ohio, you can't be president. Then George Washington said, “What the hell is 'Ohio'?” –Jimmy Fallon